While one the commentators is disappointed to find people out there who adhere to a shitting schedule, the fact is every body has some form of weak link -- whether it's muscular, nerve related, bone, tissue or otherwise -- and they have to find ways of dealing with it. Some people (certainly myself) happen to have weak "links" as our weak links, and thus develop methods of helping the process do its thing.

Sometimes shit just happens unpredictably, but by and large humans around the world are creatures of habit. Doctors everywhere recommend getting on a shit schedule if you are having irregularity problems. The squirrel that sits outside the window shits out there, too, and usually on a schedule. Would that we could all shit comfortably wherever and whenever we chose... but in general, shitting on a schedule is indeed the most common shit that happens.

That doesn't mean I don't admire someone's ability to shit anywhere, anytime. I think we could use a forum on how to gain the ability to shit perfectly anywhere, anytime.

This may or may not be a good time for me to offer any insight, as I just finished a harrowing couple of weeks dealing with something called an "anal fissure," but I thought this writer's technical approach to the act of letting the turds flow reminded me of my own search for the smooth move - that is, dropping logs without struggle. This is for the turdletter who wants to have more success turding smoothly.

First of all, struggle shouldn't take place on the toilet. One should never push to birth the brown baby. Occasionally one feels one might have to help out, but I am here to tell you that constant pushing each time you go to the toilet leads to a weakening of the blood vessels down there, and then to other more serious problems down the road -- such as hemorrhoids; or worse, anal fissures; or, even worse, the dreaded fistula, which is more horrible than it sounds, I guarantee you. Think Alien.

There is also something called "outlet dysfunction," which is a fancy way of saying your sphincter can't relax/dilate enough for full evacuation -- but we'll leave that for another time (file that in the same category as Irritable Bowel Syndrome and other related problems of a more tricky nature).

How do you avoid the struggle? If you have problems releasing perfect steamers, you might just need to make some simple dietary/lifestyle changes. Fiber (soluble and insoluble), adequate water intake, exercise and timing consistency each day all seem to play a part in passing the perfect stool.

Psyllium husk is available at most health food stores and is one of the more recommended types of fiber. Just remember that you especially need to take in water when you take fiber. It is recommended that you take this fiber supplement before going to bed. One thing that you should notice if you've never taken the psyllium husk fiber before is that the first fiber-assisted shit is a doozy. If you have been shitting clods, spattering bits and clumps, or just draining a soggy mess, this will be quite different, and quite exciting.

(Before we get too far, let's define the perfect stool: well-formed, but not compact or hard. A perfect stool is one that will break up easily after a few moments in water. Most importantly, it is slick, like it's been coated with a thin layer of gel. I had the pleasure of passing a few of these just before my problem took a nose dive, and it was like my insides were tickled as the critter literally slipped out of me. That was sheer joy. There was no struggle, just a little tightness (due to my affliction) at the first crowning; then it was like one of those marine mammals going down the slide. Yes, to pass these angels is nothing less than Heaven.)

Posture? Well, I've read that squatting actually aligns the rectum way better than Western-style sitters. (Statistics point to more constipation in the modernized countries with the throne-style toilets. Most everyone else squats. Apparently, children are birthed this way, too.) Choose you own way on this -- you can squat on a western toilet, too, if you have good balance.

I live in Japan, so I have a squatter which I have rigged for either a high-knee position sit, or a squat style -- whichever I feel in the mood for. Once I get past the danger zone with the fissure thing, though, I will probably work on the the squat technique more.

Here in Japan, there are some unique plumbing apparatuses that really add to bathroom hygiene. Once a toilet is flushed, the water used to refill the tank comes out of an exposed fountain, designed expressly for washing one's hands. They even have a towel on the wall there to dry your hands with. Remember, it's tap water that fills the tank up, so it's not like you're sticking your hands into the toilet bowl or anything.

Once I have successfully dumped, wiped, and cleared what I take to be the totality of shit particles from around my anus (with a little extra digging, too), the last thing I do is dampen a piece of toilet paper and give the whole area a minor bath. Then with one or two last dry sheets, I blot the area, and consider it a job well done.

-- Joel