Ways of Wiping.

// // 388 Comments
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Back in April, I got this email from Steve. It's been sitting forgotten in my inbox for months:



the other night, a bunch of us from work were out at the bar, drinking. and
the conversation came to toilet paper. It was really interesting, I just
figured everyone dealt with toilet paper the same way I did, but there were
some huge differences:

it was split half-and-half between people who like the new sheets to come
over the front of the roll, or behind the back. some people were extremely
adamant about their own way being the best.

wiping style was pretty varied. I just assumed "everybody folds" but I was
surprised to see that wasn't true. some were folders, many were bunchers,
there was even one wrap-around-the-hand-then-bunch.

were you aware of these fundamental differences? would you be interested in
conducting a poll on poopreport? do these differences have anything to do
with gender, religion, region, race? LET'S FIND OUT, DAMMIT!


Yes, let's find out indeed.

So what's your story? Do you fold or bunch? Do sheets come over the top or from the back? What's your wiping technique and, more importantly, how did you develop it?

388 Comments on "Ways of Wiping."

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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For me, the toilet paper must be hanging from the front of the roll. For me, it is easier to find the beginning of the roll if that first sheet is stuck to the roll. When I wipe, I take about 5 or 6 sheets , fold, and wipe. I need not wrap the paper around my hand as I don't plan on having my entire fist up there. Crumbling is just a mess. When you crumble your finger is more likely to find a direct passage to your anus, and unwelcome shock for sure. Smelly, painful, embarassing. And when I wipe I don't stay seated, nor do I stand. I hover. I lean forward, lift my arese about 5 inches from the bowl and wipe with my neatly folded paper, dispensed from the front of the roll. Oh, but I do flush the toilet using my mouth. That may be considered odd.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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I fold, then crumple. What's interesting is that I was taught as a kid to stand when I wipe. I was taught that only girls wipe sitting. But as I grew older, I realized it was simply more efficient to wipe while sitting. I always felt like I was going to the bathroom wrong if I didn't stand to wipe. But why would you want to stand? Your cheeks get all bunched up, increasing the probability of a nasty smear.

Jaybowel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I use a variation of "the bunch" called "wadding". Wadding is basically unrolling around a foot or two of paper, rolling AND then bunching it. You form a nice "wad" that can be held 'twixt the thumb and first two fingers. As for the wipe itself, I'm as close to sitting as I can be for maximum expansion. I wipe "up", meaning I start at what would be the bottom of the "great divide" if one was standing erect. I've heard legends of people who wipe "down", which perplexes me. Does that not create a dingle-meets-love-organ-of-choice problem?

Jaybowel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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As for roll configuration, I demand "over the top", even to the point where I'll fix it if I find it that way in bathrooms outside my own. As for you "behind the sun" people: How could you? The roll is *designed* to be "over the top". Must you defy the best practices of modern humanity in every aspect of your lives? Mother of Creatures!

Jenny McFarty's picture
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I wrap the paper around my hand and THEN withdraw my hand. It is very quick and efficient.

Hillbilly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Due to my t.p. holder getting ripped off the wall during a party (along with my towel rack) my t.p. sits atop the toilet tank. I like the fold method while sitting. Ive tried the other ways and this seems the easiest.

PORCELAIN GODDESS's picture
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well, being the oddball that I am, I have to have the toilet paper facing DOWN, and like jaybowel, I always fix it this way whenever i see it placed incorrectly .. I cannot fathom using toilet paper "the normal way" because rules are made to be broken you know .. another reason i do this is so that its a lot easier to pull out a big huge line of paper, rather than it beign positioned in the front, risking it to break mid-way through pulling on it, soto speak. I grab it by the masses, roll it around my hand, then bunch it up and wipe from bottom to the top, anus area first, then i wipe my "front" area and .. DAYYUUUUM! I feel about 5 pounds lighter!! hehehe

Steve's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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if it's hanging in my bathroom, it's hanging over the roll. that makes so much more sense, when it comes to access and controlling how many sheets you get. I tear off a few sheets, fold it once (if it's double ply,) and get to wiping. balls to back. then I take a look/smell at what the score was, fold the paper over once more, and wipe again. there may be one more fold-wipe combo, space permitting, before that one is disposed of. repeat as necessary. look with pride at job well done. flush. wash vigorously.

Matt's picture
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The roll sits on my counter. the only thing on the roll holder is my empty tube from the last time my mom visited and replaced the roll that was sitting on the counter and put it back on the toilet paper holder.
i wipe sitting and i also bunch up the sheets(15 to 20) or slices as i like to call them
Matt

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points
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I would bet those folks who are wrapping several feet of toilet paper around their hand, thus creating ass gloves, are the same folks responsible for the majority of clogged toilets. This clogged toilet epidemic will be the downfall of this great democracy. May God have mercy on your souls!!

gibson's picture
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I just crumple it up and wipe my ass. Sometimes if you spread your cheeks apart when you poop theres nothing to wipe because it comes out without touching anything

Sam's picture
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When I was very little I used my hand. My mother would scream at me. Now that i'm older (not more mature) I use my sleeve, if im not wearing a shirt I iust use kleenex, it works really well.

Kurtis Lieske's picture
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I just use my penis.

Amy's picture
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Gibson... you're a genius.

Anyways, I prefer the start of the roll in the front (I always thought that it was some sort of unwritten toilet paper law.) and I usually pull off about a foot or 2 (give or take a few inches; depending on texture and thickness of the toilet paper) of toilet paper and bunch it. (Yes, this is extremely similar to Jaybowel's "wadding") Compared to the "rolling the toilet paper around your hand" technique, this technique seems to save more toilet paper; therefore, you save more money. *shrugs*

Mandi's picture
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I wipe my ass from front to back to avoid having a pile of shit arround my cunt hole...hehehehe

Clarissa's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I like to have the tp off the holder so that i can just grab it. but if its on the holder i dont really care. (NOT a tp freak) i usually pull about three feet off, sort of fold it but i spread it out then make a wad, wipe, and i look, then i fold it , and wipe and look, then i fold it again.. but if im just urinating i will just wrap a little around my hand.

lowlife's picture
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Nobody here mentions getting the paper wet first. Of course you have to be near a sink or bidet, but a damp wad of TP is so much more effective. Even if I'm in a public stall, I'll at least spit on the paper to increase its cleaning ability.

yanni's picture
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I personally like to spread eagle after my irradication and then, hoping for no klingons, wipe between my legs in one failsafe swoop.

Amy's picture
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That is very interesting, Royce.

Professor Lump's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I like to use an old, dried up piece of corn-on-the-cob like my great gandpappy used to use.

Timo's picture
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I bunch, and wipe from the front. This somehow came up in conversation with my friends who said I wipe like a girl. Actually I think it's the opposite - women are more likely to wipe from the back to keep from getting infected up front. Guys can do it from the front safer, and it's a lot more efficient. Problem is, most guys are tought how to wipe by their mother, who wipes from the back - see? It's not me, but all you back-wipin guys who are wipin like girls!

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Whatever, dude. We'll just call you 'shit-sack' from now on.

Jaybowel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Timo -- It's moments of clarity like your comment that restore my faith in humankind. Rock on, man. Rock on.

chuck's picture
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I take two sheets per wipe, and fold them together. I agree with Jeff that crumpling can lead to accidental finger-anus interaction. And you know, if you get enough fiber in your diet, you barely need to wipe at all. If you're making a big ol' mess down there, you should really re-evaluate your food intake.

Pbmax's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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There have been some very good points made on this subject. As to the question of over the top or behind the roll, I have no preference. My wiping style has evolved like man from an apelike creature. When I was a boy, I crumpled. The finger touching the anus senario happened one too many times and I began a life of folding. As I grew into a man, and with my manhood came hair surrounding my asshole, I developed a new method derived from the fold method. Instead of a sweeping wipe motion, I blot my ass clean. This way the shit does not smear into my thick jungle of ass hair. If needed, and available, I wet the tp to really clean things up. It is a very effective method that should be experemented with.

Thomas Jones's picture
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My girlfriend says that over the top is the right way to hang your TP. Behind the back is just plain wrong. Her argument is that if you hang it over the front (especially important in public restrooms) that you don't have to worry about touching the wall in order to grab the toilet paper. Do you want to be touching the wall where someone dipped their dirty hand in their crack and just possibly left an invisible poopsmear behind? I very much doubt it.

As for me, i wrap the paper around my hand, pull the wrap off, and squash the wrap to form a neat wrapped fold.

My girlfriend on the other hand, wraps the paper around her hand, and PINCHES one and, creating a sort of BUNCH at the other end. She also added that she must look at the paper every time to see what color is. (she wouldn't want to miss seeing a rare green turd by covering it with toilet paper)

Diaper Doug's picture
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i find it most conveniant to potty in my diaper, thus
i have no preferance as to what way TP is hung but over the top is the right way to hang your TP, it's just too simple. Mommy wipes me back to front with my legs in the air, if diaper rash is any kind of indicator this method works very well and i recommend it wholeheartedly!

Trevor's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Well I wasnt really taught by my mother, she would just do it for me, until i was quite old. I would remember either me or my brothers screaming. "I am finished!" and she would come and wipe us.

As an adult i prefer my toliet paper with the tp out, not under. And my wiping style I find is efficent and cost effective. I will tear off about a foot and a half of toilet paper then fold it in half.

I will then place the tp in my hand being held as a square by the thumb. And with the first wipe I will WIPE, then LOOK, then FOLD. the first wipe is will be and upwards motion away from my penis.

I will then fold (the paper is a neat square now) then I will wipe forward, towards my penis. Then I will FOLD, LOOK and wipe again away from my balls.

I usually then take a shower soon afterwards, since I work at home, and just loathe the feeling of a stinky booty.

OBD's picture
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I have no preference for any particular roll orientation. I have discovered this great new product, it is wet ass wipes for adults. I wipe a couple of times with the wet sheet then I pat dry with tp.

Stinky McDermott's picture
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Wiping? What's wiping?

MM's picture
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Well, I always remember my dad yelling at my brother to stop rolling the tp up into "balls" and then using because it always clogged the toilet. So anyway, paper coming from underneath on the roll--if not, then you risk breakage of it. oh, and no particular wiping style, just wipe till its clean!

hairy butt's picture
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I too have a very hair butt any seem to wipe with no end. So I started shaving my butt and now I average about 2 to 3 wipes and I'm out. And If i'm in a public stall and someone comes in. The poop session is haulted untill the coast is clear.

alaskan style's picture
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i like to grab a bunch of leaves from from my favorite bush outside my neighbors house and squat down and cut loose on the grass. gives you a outdoorsey feeling and brings mankind back to nature. as for the roll, everybody knows leaves hang over the front and i like to crumple a bunch in my hand and smear away! one time i had to use my girlfriends silk panties to wipe as it was winter with no leaves to be found, and we all know how silk smears! it was a bad ordeal! snow works great also as it sucks the hemmorhoids right back to where they came from

the phantom crevice's picture
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First off, buy a cat...that solves the problem of wiping at home as cats eat just about anything. Just kidding, but on a more serious note...I like the TP over the front for ease of access, but the reverse hangdown style allows more sheets and less breakage. I am a wrapper, remover, and folder. I pull off about a foot of TP, wrap around my hand, then remove my hand and proceed to wipe, back to front...It just seems a more natural motion for the wrist. And if you're doing a good, careful job you need not worry about scrotal contamination. I then check the status of the paper, and fold and repeat as needed. On rare occasions, a new wrap of paper is necessary. When faced with a very determined layer of dingle-smear, the wet approach may be needed, but this necessitates a sink in close proximaty (or a tub). And finally, I like to do a little ass dancing before I release my mud bunnies....I set one cheek on the seat, lean to that side and then push off to get maximum spread and then, while holding the other cheek in full spread, pin the other cheek to the other side of the seat to achieve a hands-free spread. And for God's sake people!!! Provide some acceptable reading material (porn is always good) in your bathrooms! Thanks!

Jaybowel's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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hairy butt: You shave your butt in public restrooms before wiping? Wow.

Eeeee Gads!'s picture
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The phantom crevice is right about the 'wrapper, remover, and folder' thing, cause that's what I do, then wipe from scrotum to crack. I am obsessive when it comes to wipage, though, as I'll wipe so thoroughly that it looks like I got blasted with a hose.

Oh, as a side comment, you people are all sick bastards.

Eeeee Gads!'s picture
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As a side not, paper hanging over the top is the right way to do it *nod*

Jayson's picture
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1. I prefer babywipes...durable..they do a better job, only downside is your asshole is moist for about a minute.
2. When TP is the only available option..I like the beginning behind the roll.
3. I reach around the back to wipe...I always have. I think it could be because I have huge nuts(it's true ask my wife) and just the possibility of them getting in the way...the collateral smear..no thanks

Jayson's picture
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P.S. I am a folder

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The problem with baby wipes is that they are bad for your septic system... they don't disentigrate like toilet paper, so they can clog pipes. The new moist toilet papers from P&G and Kleenex solve the problem, however. I haven't used them too much, but they moisturize while they clean! how wonderful

Rick's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Most of you people use WAAAYY too much paper. Here's the secret: Take 1 (and only 1) square. Fold it in half, and half again and tear off the corner that is the middle of the two folds. Keep the torn out piece to be used later in these instructions. When you reopen it, you will have a hole dead center of the square. Now, push your index finger through the hole. Wipe your delicates with your finger, and then wrap the TP around your finger and pull off, cleaning off your finger. Then, take that little piece you tore out of the middle, and use that to clean out your finger nail.
You can get hundreds of wipes per roll this way.

eeyore's picture
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I usually read the newspaper while "doing my business." Once my colon is empty, I tear about a 2 to 3 inch wide strip of newspaper, moisten it and wipe back to front. Outside of the occaisional nasty paper cut, it works well. Worst case scenario is if the paper cut gets infected and there's pus in my stool. I don't like that much. A nice dollop of vaseline on my sphincter relives all, though. P.S.: Don't use the slick paper like the Sunday coupons, it just smears. Also, the colored ink could cause rectal cancer.

Dan "Clean Butt" Fowler's picture
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I like my paper over the top of the roll, from there I'm a "wrap around the hand guy", then I do my business front to back. (Scrotum to mid back, then I check the mirror to make sure I have a nice racing stripe). Actually I stop right past the pucker zone. Then repeat the process. THANKS FOR ASKING!

Stinky with  A Wiper Warning!'s picture
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It is important to always wipe up towards the back not down. For men this could cause the poop to stick to the hair and nuts.

Stinky's Wiper Warning Continued's picture
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Ooops! I clicked to fast.As I was saying........... Once the poop is stuck. It will cause poop stains and that can be ugly. It is called "Turdynads". For women this can cause the poop to go into the snatch. It can also cause poop stains. This is called " Poopy Kooch". So remember to wipe up or try investing in brown undies. Don't expect to get much lovin' if you don't wipe up.

sick people's picture
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this shit is gross! but funny, lol!

todd's picture
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yes i just returned from my magnificent porcelain throne where i gave birth to an eight pound baby boy. He was about 13 inches long and a diameter of about2 inches. While launching out such magnificent shnoiters as this one...thurough wiping is required. My toilet paper hangs on the little rack. so i fold it very neatly and try to get it as wide as possible for quicker, more efficent wiping. After i fold about 6 of those...i will then go to work at cleaning. And everybody please remember....shitting is a sport...shitting is art....

Richard Slade's picture
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When in fine hotels, I enjoy sticking one end of the shoe buffer up my rectum and pressing the button. The soft spinning buffer gets me incomparably clean. When at home, I usually flush out my ass with a turkey baster, then dry it with women's sanitary napkins. I suspect this is not a common practice due to the fact that the clerk at my local CVS looks at me with a strange expression when I purchase the napkins.

brad's picture
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Damn this is some funny...shit! :D

Dookey Howser's picture
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First, I must suggest my preferred method of shitting. I hold my cheeks apart as I sit, this makes for an open environment that makes cleanup a cinch. Now, as I child, I too was told to wipe while standing, I actually remember having a conversation in high school where my friends and I compared sitting vs. standing techniques (we standing-wipers were in a minority). But after coming to college, I was something of a shamefull shitter and couldn't stand the idea of someone noticing my footshuffling while I stood to wipe. Long story short, after four years of shitting in public dorm toilets, I've converted to a sitting wiper and cannot fathom standing to wipe, I'm just too lazy now. I still, however, do the pre-cheek spread and wipe with paper folded...I'm not picky how the paper hangs, just have to have a good thick pad of paper to wipe with. I have trouble when I go home though, because I'm used to the cheap single-ply government surplus paper that disintegrates if you sneeze on it...when I go home to the good stuff I habitually use to much and clog the damn toilet. I guess college has changed me in more ways than one.

Jessica's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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right now i would like to wipe my butt with my little brother's face....he is a pain in the ASS. get it? hahahahahaha

Brett's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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At home the tp sits on the tank--it's too much work to put 'er on the roller. First, I stand up, flush to prevent clogs and roll the paper around my index finger from about waist height down to just above the floor (about 3 feet). I tear and fold twice. I hold a cheek aside with one hand and wipe bottom to top with the free hand. I then use the other clean end of the yet-moderate-length stream from bottom to top again. I refold the same length to reveal more clean areas until the length is spent. When I run out of poo with the bottom-to-top method, I go between the legs and do top-to-bottom. At this point, it's clean enough to do the top-down method without making a mess and usually there's enough poo still there to justify the extra effort. I think most people are unaware of the poo they leave by neglecting a *reverse-flush* of the pipe. This poo will, if you allow it, ferment and make your farts smell that much worse. After a few more wipes--bottom-up, I flush again to dispose of the tp. I've always folded. I vaguely remember my dad showing me how when I was very young. The rest I've developed over the years.

PS--Sweet site. It's the coolest thing since the "Log of logs" my roommates and I keep.

jeffg's picture
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On the subject of roll orientation, I'm a die-hard over-the-top man at heart. The reality of having playful cats, however, made me bend that conviction. I wipe from nuts to spine, folding a variable length and number of times depending on the quality of the media at hand.

Like Trevor, I was spoiled as a child, as my grandmother took care of the task. On my first day of preschool, I screamed my lungs out -- "I'm FIN-ISHED!" -- waiting for somebody to come wipe my ass. It took one of the teachers wondering why the hell I'd been gone so long to get anything done about it.

Poop is good food's picture
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first of all, over the top is the only way to go. i hate having the start of the roll hiding in the back, as i spin the roll furiously forwrd trying to get it started. while i don't condemn the back-rollers, i feel that this is something that should be regionally standardized (like which side of the road to drive on). then, when we go to europe, we would notice how quaint the brits are for their back-flowing rolls in the WC. to aid in my quest, i must note that if the TP isn't on the roll, i'm about 40% to put it on; however, if it's "backward", i'm batting 1.000. now, on to the meat of this post...i was very disturbed that roll direction, standing vs. sitting vs. squatting, folding vs. clumping, etc., was discussed at length, whereas the real style debate, front-wipers vs. back-wipers, was glossed over in relatively few posts. i (a man), am a front wiper. allow me to educate you on what this means. with my left hand, i pull my balls up and to the left, and with the right, wipe by bunghole from the back to the front (towards the nut sack). any differing in style is like throwing left-handed. i cannot fathom leaning forward and reaching around the back in an unnatural contortion to wipe from the back. the one argument the back-wipers try to throw at you is "if you front-wipe, you'll get shit all over your balls/cunny." this is stupid. do you, as a back-wiper, get shit spread all up your spine? of course not. perhaps on females, there are certain health issues, but we are men. we pee standing up, and should wipe from the front! front-wipers unite!

Chadickus's picture
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My faviorite is when the tp gets bunched into little balls,and stuck in your ass hair, because of this, i just wait to shit, before i take a shower, then i shit, flush and wash my asshole in the shower, makes me feel fresh and clean

pooper scooper's picture
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I neever even new you could wipe sitting down...

crystal's picture
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i am a girl so i squat above public toiles... i wrap the tp around my hand squat pee wipe and flush wrapping it around the hand is easiest i wad the tp up to wipe from front to back i hover squat because toilets are to dirty to sit on

Becca's picture
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yeah I agree 100% w/you crystal.But usually some people take some toilet paper and put some on the toilet seat so that you don't have to squat.

proshitta's picture
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the paper's got to be over the top or on the counter(the subject of my first battle with the wife), hanging it around back only makes it hard to find the end, and then starts the spinning and then a half roll on the floor. This just won't do, once the reading is done, its time to end the session and get on with things.
best fold is to take about a foot and a half and fold it in about thirds. you know, one fold part way up the length and then another back over it, it goes pretty quick if you hold each end in a hand and fold it onto your lap. if the first end gets folded over again and you end up with 4 layers in one area, no problem, put your finger behind it for extra strength. this gives me a piece long enough to cover from my finger tips over my whole palm. that way if there are any scatterblasts on the cheeks from mud splashes, you're covered.
Always been a from the back sittin wiper, why stand any more than necessary? Besides, wiping from the front gets your hand below the rim, which is an only as needed kind of thing for me. Just rock over onto one cheek and wipe away. in a foreigh hopper, I always hold the creature away from the dank inner bowl surface (gotta respect your tools). one pass per slab, no repeat wiping, that's just asking for a re-smear or the dreaded funk finger. front to back for most cripe categories, the ate-too-much-bbq-tar problem can require some extraordinary measures: same set up, put the paper in place and pull back with the finger, then pinch forward with the thumb, seems to give more leverage and containment. Sometimes a full backward wipe is warrented for up-crack migration, always staying well clear of the front end baggage.
The hair problem seems to be creeping in for me too. So far, i figure if it doesn't come out on the paper, it's there to stay until it gets a blast in the shower.
The ass spreading idea is an interesting one, after all, it seems to work pretty well for my dog, no wiping, clean as when he started.

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points
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I wholeheartedly agree that tp should hang over the top. It's just the natural way to go. Of course, that is assuming that I actually took the time to put on a fresh roll instead of just setting it on top of the tank.
As for the fold versus wad debate, folding is the only way to go. Wadding decreases the exposed surface area of the tp, meaning one has to use more to acheive the same coverage.

Steven Smear's picture
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People, people, we sit here an argue while the point of the issue passes us by! It is not how one wipes or presents ones roll, it is whether or not the blast zone is truely cleared. As a wiseman once told me, "Go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with sticky fingers." I think we all need to consider that.

Julie's picture
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Actually it isn't the toilet paper that is important when it comes to wiping...it is the position on assumes while wiping. It has come to the attention of myself and my husband that the world is broken into 2 groups of people...those who stand while they wipe and those that remain sitted and tilt. Start asking your friends, you will see.

Hannibal's picture
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In these days of giant corporations clear cutting old growth forests, I think an environmentally sound method of wiping is this. Three squares are all you should need. One for the up stroke, one for the down stroke and one to polish. Of course if the fecal matter in question is highly viscous, then a few more squares could be used. In my opinion we should all strive to use less paper products in our daily lives. Try it out. It's good for the environment....

Poop's picture
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Usually I'll take a small wad of toilet paper and use it to wipe my pussy. Then I'll take another moderate wad of TP to wipe my ass off once. After that I'll take another wad a little smaller than the first just to make sure I got everything. I usually wipe away from my pussy. I also don't care which way the roll starts out, just so long as it's within reach.

RectalBlast's picture
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I just realized I'm too lazy to wipe. I think I'll install a bide......

Adam Johnson's picture
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i wipe my ass every time i take a shit. Do other people do this? I don't have a technique i just shove it up my ass and let it stay there.

Dookie Master's picture
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After discussing with friends these subjects, this is what I've learned:
1. Those that wipe standing up were never taught how to wipe by their parents.
2. Being a guy, you should do your business, and get out of there. This is Howard Stern's advice, and despite the temptation to read in the office, don't. Don't plant yourself down on the toilet until you're about to go, and don't dilly-dally once you're done.
3. After you've taken a nice big schtein, lean forward, and wipe from anterior to posterior.
On a personal note, I like the TP with the roll hanging in back. For those who are obsessed with it in front, how hard is it really to find where the roll begins? Also, using the excuse as it's more sanitary for a front hanging preference is ridiculous....the person before you touched that same roll no matter which direction the TP hangs.
As for wiping...I take about 3 double ply squares, and start rolling it up from one end. I don't roll it tight, just roll it enough to form a sort of cylinder with thickness to it. Pinching the roll/cylinder by the free end, I wipe using the opposite side, using where I pinched the rolled up TP to prevent the roll from unravelling. After inspecting the surface that had contact with my ass, I toss it in the bowl. ALWAYS be careful on the 1st wipe...make sure not to smear. If there is very little poop on subsequent wipes, its okay to wipe more than once with the same roll...as long as you're not smearing anything.

Artie Fartie's picture
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Oh my gawd, this is the funniest thing i've ever read on the Internet!

Brian's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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After the last alien deboards the UFO of crap, I grab my entire package, move it out of the way, and clean myself from the front. Though it takes both hands and a bit of practice, it is the best way to cleanse ones anus.

Jerrusha's picture
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For me the toilet paper must bve hanging from the front if somebody puts it on the wrong way then I will put it toward the front. Most of the time I grab some and bunch. Everyonce in a while I will fold and wipe. You don't need to be so damn pickey about how you wipe as long as you dont get poop on your fingers because that is just grose. but it must hang from the front.