Wiping B.C. (Before Charmin)

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Humanity hasn't always had toilet paper. It's only recently in our history that we've been able to wipe in colored, scented, quilted, two-ply comfort. Toilet paper didn't really hit the masses' asses until the late 19th Century; before then, according to ToiletPaperWorld.com, people were likely to use anything from sheep's wool to snow to the ol' stinky southpaw to buff their bums.

This PoopReporter recently accepted an assignment with a retro rear-end quality to it. Put succinctly: our fearless leader (not so fearless that he wouldn't assign this project instead of doing it himself!) asked me to review the wiping effectiveness of various items that were employed by the general public before the advent of ordinary TP. After much deliberation, the eight retro items chosen for review were: a corncob, Sears catalogue pages, an old sock, a finger and water, an old newspaper, smooth rocks, the green leaves of summer and, for the finale, a vinegar-soaked sponge. I feel that some measure of human progress allows me to fairly dismiss considering rope, hemp, burlap and rough-edged rocks as too abrasive and potentially painful to experiment with. (Can you say "Ouch?" I thought you could.)

To ensure parity of testing conditions, I needed to make sure that every wiping substitute had the same type of turd to contend with. So, as a control, I used the scientific method: every day during the test period, I took the same nutritional regimen. Orange juice and mineral water to drink; applesauce, raisins, turkey hash with red onions, diced tomatoes, chilis, banana slices and vitamin supplements to eat. On a daily basis, this diet produced a consistently firm -- but not rock hard -- six- or seven-inch turd that was softer at one end and arrived right on schedule during my usual naked morning crap at home. In the course of my experiment, I attempted to wipe as I normally do: standing up and facing the bowl, pulling apart my left ass cheek with my left hand as I wipe with my right.


I ate an ear of corn (the one addition to the nutritional regimen posted above), and then microwaved the cob for about a minute and left it out on the kitchen counter overnight to dry. The next morning it was completely dry, but not overwhelmingly stiff, as I took it with me into the bathroom.

During wiping, I inserted the cob into my ass crack with my right hand and twirled the area around the tip several times slowly. It felt surprisingly soft; and when I extracted it, the entire lower third was a solid brown color. I carefully inserted it a second time, twirling it slowly once again -- this time, closer to the middle of the cob. There was still a small amount of fecal material remaining, but the first two passes had absorbed nearly all of it.

Overall, the cob was reasonably absorbent. As a checkup measure, I did a quick pass with toilet paper after I was finished. I found almost no shitstain to speak of.

VERDICT: Corncobs are a viable option, if there are dried corncobs lying around or prepared for this purpose. The problem is they don't grow on trees if you're caught outdoors; but our pioneer ancestors had the right idea keeping a supply of them in the outhouse.


Going out to the local Sears store to pick up a catalogue, it took all the control I could muster not to reveal my purpose. I was sorely tempted to blow the salesman's mind by saying: "Could I have one of your catalogues, please? I'm not interested in buying anything, I just want to wipe with it!" But my saner side prevailed, and I merely thanked him when he handed it over.

...but would you wipe with it?

My, how times have changed! The Sears Catalogue is no longer one big, anvil-like tome. Now, it's divided into two separate publications -- one of which concentrates on Craftsman Tool kits, benches and the like; and the other focusing on clothing of all kinds. Being a guy, I decided to use the Craftsman pages to wipe -- it just seemed like the macho thing to do. I tore four pages ripped out of the catalogue, ripped them in half, folded those halves again and then wiped with them as flat, quartered squares. The stock on which the Craftsmen products appear is neither the pulp newsprint kind nor the slick National Geographic variety, but somewhere in-between.

The modern Sears Catalog is grossly ineffective for wiping from any standpoint you choose. The first two squares I used collected a lot of softer crap; but the odor (upon inspection at a modest distance) was very objectionable. Six squares later, there were still smudges, and still a lot of odor. This time, the quick follow-up toilet paper produced a substantial amount of muted asswipe.

VERDICT: Sears Catalogue pages completely lack absorbency, and your bunghole gets very sore after all those ass passes with something so stiff. This couldn't have been any easier or more effective for previous generations; in many cases, it must have been the best they could do.


A worn-out white ankle sock, to be specific. It was a very pleasant experience. I was able to insert the sock into my crack using my fingers as a pressure point behind the fabric. A modest brown circle or spot resulted. A second penetration produced a fainter circle. A third produced nothing, and a follow-up toilet paper wipe was spotless. The sock was far more absorbent than the catalogue pages, and somewhat more absorbent than the corncob.

VERDICT: If you can truly spare the sock, this is not a bad wiping alternative. There is a lot of surface to work with. I suppose you could wash one that you intended to reuse, but -- ewww!, on principle.


This was the option to which I was least looking forward. Just because I'm well known as a Shameless PoopReporter doesn't mean I enjoy putting my finger in my poop. This was the only experiment in which I did not stand -- instead, I squatted in the bathtub with a bowl of water to handle any messy eventuality. This technique was not much different than many people's morning tradition of jumping into the shower after pooping and just reaching down there -- except they get to use soap, of course. I used my right index finger and scooped out my crack as best I could, then dipped the finger into the bowl of water and rubbed it thoroughly with my thumb. A bit of residue floated to the bottom and slightly discolored the water.

...but would you wipe with it?

Two passes later, my finger was clean, so to speak, though it did not smell too good; and the water was somewhat murky.

VERDICT: Fingers and water will certainly swab the poop deck, but the concept may be distasteful to some; and without a bit of soap for a wash-up, the process will turn you into that infamous James Bond villain, Stinkfinger.


Next to corncobs and the old Sears catalogue, I'll wager this was the item many people used most often in the turn-of-the-century outhouse. As with the catalogue, I tore a newspaper page in half, folded it into fourths, folded the fourths into squares and then wiped with them. Absorbency was greater than with the catalogue pages, but less than with the corncob. There was some odor and a lot of smearing, as a final toilet paper check-up revealed.

VERDICT: You are just as likely to get ink on you as poop off you. Absorbency is the issue here. You'd do better to use the newspaper for reading purposes.


I have some rounded marble chips of various sizes as landscape accents around my backyard deck. I lifted a few and took them into the bathroom with me.

...but would you wipe with it?

Absorbency, of course, is not a factor with rocks. The aim here is to use them as scraping devices, much as you would your finger. Therein lies the problem: you can only do so much clean-up scraping, although you can get the major muck out of the way. There's just no way that you can totally get rid of that final fecal film that coats your asshole -- and my checkup TP wipe proved it. (Do you suppose cavemen used rocks, or went au naturel après poop?)

VERDICT: By using rocks as scraping devices first and then dipping them in water as a follow-up second might just pass inspection. It avoids direct finger contact, at least.


I picked several handfuls of leaves off the Bartlett pear tree in my front yard and pressed them into duty as wiping warriors. I had to bunch and layer them together, fanning them out a bit like a hand of cards in order to get any surface and substance out of them. They did a passable -- but hardly exemplary -- job of crap clean-up combat in that formation. As you might expect, absorbency was again a problem, as was smearing; there was no way they could completely vanquish the vile enemy.

(As a boy, incidentally, I was able to observe my brother using dried fall leaves to wipe himself during an emergency outdoor crap. The problem there was that the more brittle leaves tended to crumble, leaving an ass-residue -- as he confided in me later, when he had a chance to use actual toilet paper -- resembling peanut butter and Frosted Flakes.)

VERDICT: Leaves are truly a last resort. There's no absorbency, and you can't really bear down all that hard and scrape the way you can with rocks, unless you can get hold of a stiff magnolia leaf or two. And if you are careless and pick out the wrong leaves, you could be sticking poison oak or poison ivy up your ass, which is just itchin' for trouble.


I saved this one for the 'serious' finale because these devices were both used in ancient Roman toilets and were mentioned as implements used to torture Christ during his crucifixion. I purchased the closest thing to what might the Romans might have had (a small loofah sponge) and soaked it in some white vinegar I had on hand in the pantry. As with the Sears catalogue, I felt slightly subversive purchasing something in the Wal-Mart cosmetics department that I actually intended to wipe my ass with.

...but would you wipe with it?

The vinegar-soaked sponge was a pleasant experience. Absorbency was high during several passes, and the vinegar completely masked any unpleasant fecal odors. I had steeled myself for possible stinging, but there was none. The check-up wipe revealed a spotless sphincter.

VERDICT: I am now wondering why the manufacturers of the fussier brands of toilet paper don't inject vinegar, rather than lotion or aloe vera, into their products. I felt extremely refreshed after this technique.


While all of these options will do in a pinch -- and while some acquit themselves surprisingly well in the wiping wars -- ordinary toilet paper is still a technological triumph. For the proof, I only need point out that I used it as the backup mechanism to determine just how effective the other methods were. Even something as advanced as a bidet -- a water-driven cleaning device --- relies on toilet paper for that final 'flush of confidence.' Leave rocks and leaves for wilderness survival fanatics and reality show contestants; I'll keep squeezing my Charmin.

94 Comments on "Wiping B.C. (Before Charmin)"

still_shitting_in_Atlanta's picture

you failed to mention that the pages of the Sears catalogue, which are now glossy, used to be somewhat newspaperish, which would skew your results. Please redo the experiment (you can skip the corn cob part, you sick bastard!)

ThreePly's picture

Man, I felt like I was watching an episode of Mythbusters. Way to research what our ancestors went through to clean the old stink hole. Though I don't think I would've bothered with the finger and water routine. That's pretty much a gimmie.

Dare I ask where you disposed all of these items after wiping with them?

hey ya's picture

OMG, that was a weird experiment!!! (vinegar ACTUALLY didn't hurt????? my goodness!)
Finger must have been torture!!!!!!!!!

if i ever dont have toilet paper, i'll use my sock! good advice!!

third post rules!

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

First post doens't rule if first post is moronic.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

Sorry, but I have to say this.

I am sure you enjoyed the corn cob the most.

"I carefully inserted it a second time, twirling it slowly once again"

First post rules.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

To clear up a few points: I disposed of all these items in a trash bag with a tie handle.

Insert in the crack (with corncob or finger) does not mean insert into the anus. It means just what it says--using the various devices to clean the area around the crack and outside the anus.

I mentioned that the current Sears catalogues are neither glossy nor newsprint, but halfway in-between. At any rate, I also used newsprint, so all bases were covered.

And, yes, I was surprised that vinegar didn't sting. But I don't have 'roids or any sort of rectal bleeding down there, so all I can do is repeat that wiping with the vinegar-soaked sponge was very pleasant.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I commend you for taking this challenge, without shame, in the name of Poopreporting.
Excellent report - reinforcing what we know to be the best method to clean our shitty asses.
Viva TP!!

a young friend's picture

Well...it looks like regular toilet paper has many more years to be tortured by us. It was probably hopeing a substitute would be available to relieve it of its services. Guess I will go into the bathroom and put it to use.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

You truly are the Big Wiper. (I suspect this is why Dave chose you, because your named has destined you to all experiments on wiping).

I am extremely surprised a corn cob works so well. Very informative.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Fellow Pooper's picture

Smooth rocks, dry corncob, toilet paper, the final wipe, what's next?

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Most cultures that wipe with their hands reserve their left hand for wiping and their right hand for eating. You should have tried with your left hand. Oh well.

Back in the 1850s or whatever, the Sears Catalog was indeed much more like an absorbant newsprint. Like the texture of a paperback book from the 50s -- much more pleasing to the touch, and much more likely to absorb. Today's Sears Catalog is only worth wiping your ass with figurativley.

Bravo on your report, TBW. I haven't seen this much going above and beyond the call of doodie since Ass Phlegm wiped with his left hand in the Journal of Ass Production, or perhaps when Dave jammed that Turd Twister up his ass.

Sitting Wiper's picture

I have found dock leaves quite effective,though I must admit that at the next opportunity I have done the once-over with toilet paper.

TBW I live up to my name, and wipe while sitting, lifting my right bum-cheek and wiping with my right hand. I haven't enough power in my left hand. I can't wipe effectively while standing, but TBW your way of pulling apart your left cheek cheek with the left hand and wiping with the right might be a good idea when in natural surroundings. I'll try it sometime.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Fellow Pooper, I am guessing that an ultrasonic device will be aimed at the asscrack, and the waves will shake the lingering shit into the toilet.

dookie dog's picture

Couldn't do the finger, I bite my nails. Intresting article my sister wiped with poison oak once, that was great it was right after she exlaxed me for stealing her refer, anyway thanks.

Shawn St James's picture


You grab one ass cheek and pull it aside. Then grab the other and insert same hand fingers into your butt hole and wipe and rinse several times. Works perfect.

Craptain 'N T'neal's picture

I've been in a pinch before, and I've walked away with a clean ass and no underwear.... Or, a clean ass and no sleeves / pocket on my T-shirt. I'd never have thought to use a sock though. I used the sleeves while painting a house, so it seemed ok. This was before I started carrying the "Shit-kit" with me.

The Craptain

midnighttoker's picture

It was a right fine experiment. But it falls short of genious. You really still need to find out what one used to wipe a bung hole before recorded history. I would presume it would be seasonal as far as use, I mean some places the snow basically covers everything. My wife is Philipino she said her family talked about how some of the older generation did not wipe at all.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

A few takes on the interesting comments of my fellow poopers:

Shawn St. James: while I would certainly agree that the only really good final ass wipe measure is taking a shower, the point of this experiment was to detail methods used before modern plumbing occurred. Pressure showers as we know them now (and not merely pouring a bucket of water over your head as a one-shot measure) were not in the mix.

midnighttoker: the 'before recorded history' was addressed in the segment on rocks. I even mentioned the prospect of not wiping at all (going au naturel). You also brought up the possibility of snow covering everything one might wipe with. Actually, I strongly considered the possibility of wiping with 'snow,' which, in my case, would have meant using a handful or two of shaved ice as an approximation. In the end, however, that result would not have been any different than a finger and water, except that it would have been a lot colder wipe down there. Guess I just wasn't willing to freeze my ass off for the cause, so to speak. Brrrrr!!!!

As for the old Sears catalogue issue versus the newer ones and the difference in absorbency brought up by Ty and others, I do think that got covered by my also wiping with newsprint. You still get the same effects of ink rubbing off on your asshole and general vicinity.

daph: I, too, was very surprised by the corncob wipe. That and the fact that the vinegar in the sponge didn't sting me, for which I was thankful.

I appreciate all your comments and am glad you enjoyed the article.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

We love you, Big Wiper!!

Hey Dookie Dog,
She stole your spliff? Oooh, that poison ivy was paramount to dogma, I think. That's dead wrong.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

dookie dog's picture

If you knew my sister yould know she deserved it, she once got me fired from a job I had for 8 years. I let her stay with me here in Santa Barbara, I have one of those one in a million cheap apartments near the beach impossible to find, she told the local police I was a serial killer hopeing they would arrest me and she would get my place, they watched me for three months, but I got her back, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.........

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Well, dookie dog, I am glad you did. You know, the family you get isn't always the one you want. And, no one should ever touch your stash.

And, I like the name Bigboy Humperdink, don't you? It sounds like a porn star's name.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

dookie dog's picture

Actually the name kinda scares me alittle, but it's a good choice I wish my mom would have named me that not that Dookie Dog is bad, well not any more since I moved out of the house I don't have to eat my Wheaties with dookie all over my face anymore, 42 is a good age to move out, I'm a grown up dookie dog now.

will's picture

TBW...thanks for a great story & also thanks for giving us a very descriptive narration on your usual wiping techniques.

I would vote for the old sock or the vinegar soaked sponge...those were certainly around when Caesar & Brutus were dueling, & they seem to have the best effect, according to your story.

Leaves, Sears catalogue..forget it..

Maybe the corncob worked, but somehow I don't like the idea of a cob down my ass...

mimi's picture

Now I've read everything. No more reason to surf ever.
Will superDave delete this? I hope not.

Ibrahim El-Muckbutt's picture

Mr. Wiper,

You very nice American person to include rock wiping technique as required by Mohammad. I will tell you though that this use of rocks can lead to some very big whopping hard discomfortable dingleberries I must say seriously. And you should hear the noise of them clattering together when one runs through the night. Oh my yes!

Also when the rock dingles become numerous in one's butt crack, then it makes for very tough riding on a camel, I must tell you seriously.

Nonetheless, I thank you for including the mandated Islamic way to clean the butt with rocks, Mr. Wiper.


Drano Max's picture

This seems like some fun fun.... the experiment seems like it was a good one.. but in olden days.. up to the idea of making paper to just wope yourself... they used things like hey, regular paper, grasses, leaves, sea shells, wodden spoons, but sometmes they would not wipe and just wait to stick their ass in water... not the cleanest ways but still logical... next time try it with thoes objects.. and be carefull

Bill Calypool's picture

I just left India and aquired the squirts, as we cll them. I was sweating as to how I was going to manage in the rural factories w/o TP. The finger and water is the best as there is no corn available, altho I think that might be fun, no rocks in latrine, and certainly no place to put the sock as I didn't want it in my pocket. Where do those sock get left when in public places?

The Wanderer's picture

In India, people wipe by using their left hand in conjunction with a small container of water that is poured by the right hand. Virtually every bathroom I've been to India had a bucket of water with a small cup in it for this purpose.

Willie Big One's picture

One problem with your experiment as I see it. You see I noticed that my grandfather rubs his toilet paper together when he dumps. One time I asked him about it and he said it was a habit. You see he used the Sears catalog while growing up and they would get a piece of the sheet (make it into 4 smaller sheets), and grab each side and rub it together untill it is pretty soft, and although I haven't used it as toilet paper, I did use a sheet of school paper and make it soft and I don't think it would be to back, took me awhile to do so though. Perhaps you will try this method?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

A very well-designed and reported study. Controlling poo consistency was important for this first comparison, but it seems to me that dealing with variability in consistency is the next critical variable to explore. For instance, what is best for the really sticky poo that requires multiple passes with conventional toilet paper? Might the corncob really shine here?


Hatake Kakashi's picture

I use the "Indian" method and wash my fingernails thoroughly with soap. Feels good.

Biff McGuire's picture

wiping with TP is a primitive and unsanitary method of cleaning, which will soon go the way of the horse drawn carriage. Those who study the history of wiping will become the "Revolutionary War Buffs" of the poop community.

Ric's picture

Is there any truth to the story that people used to wipe with one square of toilet paper. They would stick their finger through the middle, use their finger (similar to finger & water routine), and then wipe their finger off with the TP. I remeber hearing this when i was growing up and don't know if it is historical fact or a joke. Thanks.

Plunger of Doom's picture

To all my esteemed colleagues, I find it very fitting and comforting to split one roll of toilet paper into two rolls. There's nothing like the feeling of freshness and cleanliness! The only crude method I have tried is the green leaf and I found it to be sub-par at best. Good luck to you all.

film maker's picture

i am looking forward to have you video document all your reports.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

TBW, do you normally wipe standing up??? Strange, as a sitting wiper I believe we have less crust contamination from a messy load. While in the sitting position cheeks are properly apart meaning a clearer exit path so a less strenuous wipe is required. PS, In a pinch, pardon the pun, I've found the cardboardish subscription inserts in magazines to work wonders if bent but Not folded.

Poopgirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I think I will know what to do in a TP emergency now.
Poop on!


Poop on!


Curious Pooper's picture

What i think everyone want to know is what can be used to wipe in an emergency when you have the sqirts as this is most likley when you will need emergency equipment?

Full_of_It's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I think this may be the funniest thing I have ever read. Im planning on camping in a few weeks and I'll definitely avoid the leaves. Maybe I'll purchase the PHESS Bidet

Eaglenation's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Did anyone ever consider the possibility that wiping with rocks is dangerous?? Think about it. What if one of the rocks you are wiping with, accidentally slips out of your grasp, and gets lodged inside your rectum, and you can't get it out??? Then you have to call 9-1-1 and have it surgically removed. How humiliating would that be?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

You'd have to apply quite a bit of pressure to lodge a rock in your rectum. Not to mention that any rock should be used gingerly for the purpose of wiping.

I can see someone doing this to someone else only as a form of torture--i.e., pushing a rock in with enough force to lodge it inside.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

GROne's picture

I have never, ever, heard of a person wiping whilst standing up. Wouldn't that squish the left over poop together and get it over your butt crack whilst getting off the toilet to a standing position? That's crazy. Annnnyway, having a crap in the ocean is always good :)

turd turdgutson's picture
l 100+ points

Have you ever tried wiping with a belt sander? It creates a nearly-orgasmic sensation as it rips the dook from your ass, but you have to be careful not to stay in contact with the sander too long, or it'll rip your flesh away very quickly.

In the absence of a belt sander, high-grit sandpaper also works quite well.

"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I have attained knowledge from this posting that will change my world view. I am enlightened, I have experienced an epiphany. I'm wishing I hadn't read it so soon after lunch. Ewwww.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Thanks, Wiper. Now I don't have to answer these questions for myself. I was not looking forward to doing so.
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

The Emir of Crapistan

Viper's picture

All of this was very fascinating and entertaining.

But I have discovered the best wiping method ever. The problem is that it can only be done at home.

Hang your ass over the edge of your bathtub. Work a large amount of liquid soap into a high-quality wash cloth. I prefer Kirk's Castille. Turn on the hot water and go to work. It starts out soaping and sudsy and as you rinse you are also rinsing out the wash cloth. The soap keeps the shit from penetrating the cloth, so you end up with a fairly clean cloth at the end of the process. Dry with a bath towel. Presto! Good as new! And if you want to get intimate with a lover, you don't have to worry about presenting an odoeriferous underside. Give the cloth an extra rinse and hang-dry in an inconspicuous location - you don't want your guests reaching for it to touch up their faces.

The problem is how to stay regular so that you are defecating at home only. I know there is some advice online about inducing the exclusive bowel movement at dawn. Seek ye and ye shall find.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

All good commentary, Viper. However, those of us who travel quite a bit for a living can't always induce 'doo-doo at dawn.' I do try, however, to stay regular, and I have to admit that I'm usually able to conjure something up first thing out of bed or shortly after breakfast.

That's no guarantee, however, that I'm through for the day. From my stay here on PR--now more than three and a half years--I can state that many poopers have multiple visits to the crapper throughout their working day.

Your excellent routine would require a full bathroom and some measure of privacy, as you state. Pooping at Home Base Only is not something I worry about too much because it's just not practical for me.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Mrs. Poopie McCrap's picture

This was a very informative study/report. Of course, I do think you went about using the Sear's Catalogue all wrong. When I was in Iraq on deployment there were many times I would find myself in a Port-a-potty with no TP.
The trick is to take a regular piece of paper and to crumple, unfold, crumple, unfold over and over again until it is the softness you desire and to wipe with that.
Iraqi's also use their left-hand to wipe, and they squat over the toilet, rather then sit(which means standing on the bowl).
Maybe your next study can include a crumpled piece of paper vs. just a folded up sheet.

pastageek's picture

I found this a very funny and almost clean humor. lol Anyway I think that what you are doing is a great leap for science and taking a small risk for science is healthy. I myself took a risk for science when I ate seed cores that some say contain cyanide. I am still alive and well. lol

ZK's picture

please check this out and give us a review:

It's the Iranian Aftabeh which is supposed to be highly popular. Every house in Iran apparently has one.

briank's picture

wow I thought I was board most of the time

Turdinator's picture

I have often wondered what people did! Thanks for telling me. One way to avoid the hassle of messy wiping at least some of the time is to have an irregular diet whereby you alternate between days of the soft stuff and an extended period of days where no wiping is required and then drop a rock hard log. In my experience, clean-up is minimal except for a little blood (no hemmorhoids here, just sort of a back door episiotomy!) There follows one problem, though, "How is that log going to go down that small hole?!?!?!"

watts's picture

actually, your fingers and water is more comfortable than any plyed roll

Anonymous Coward's picture

finger and water is still practiced by middle easterns to this day .

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

TBW, I lost it around the old sock experiment and had to finish reading the rest at home. The tears from laughing so much clouded my eyesight so I couldn't finish reading the rest of your story plus from the laughing I started a farting fit and that brought more laughter. What a great way to end my day. Thank you!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Hey Big Wiper, You forgot to try the 3 seashells!
John Spartan wants to know how to use them!

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

Amazing what people have wiped with!!! Still, needs must ....

TBW - you are right about us travellers. I can't 'induce a doo-doo' anytime, anyway! You just never know when it will strike!!

TP researcher's picture

"water and finger" is incorrect actually in India in the pre-tp time they used "water and their LEFT HAND" and i would also like to see how just defecating in a river would work out.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

It is written: "A man defecating in a river must always go with the flow."

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Newswipe's picture

ADBC = Anal Dump Before Charmin.

I am only in my early twenties, but I had some pre-Charmin experiences as a child. I wiped my bum with newspaper, when I went to stay with my paternal grandparents. My dad was still using it when he first got married, but my mum objected to the newsprint on his underpants. His own parents were old-fashioned, and never wasted anything, and never spent more money than they needed - commendable attitudes in many ways. They wouldn't have had large carbon footprints.

My auntie - my dad's sister - was prepared to stand up to her mother more than my dad was. When her little boy - my cousin older than me by 3 years - first went to stay on his own with the grandparents, his mum gave him some toilet paper to put in his case.

Newspapers were never wasted, and one job which he had to do was to rip sheets from the 'Radio Times' or a tabloid, into a size suitable for cleaning one's rear end. (Making sure that staples were removed!) Then a punch made a hole in the corner, and they were threaded through with string, and hung on a hook on the wall behind the toilet within easy reach. The seat stretched from wall to wall, but the middle section lifted up for the benefit of males on MOST of their visits. Each morning you had to let grandma know when you were going to sit on the toilet. (I don't know what her granddaughters said - for boys it was a euphemism for a more indelicate description.) My cousin duly went with the 'imported' paper in his pocket. After undoing his trousers he climbed onto the old fashioned seat, and it WAS a climb. Grandad thoughtfully tied some strong string onto the chain when the grandchildren visited, ensuring ample reach. (He had done this for his own children when they were small.) Mission accomplished, my cousin got out his paper, applied it to the needy part of his anatomy, pulled the chain, and adjusted his clothes.

A few minutes later Grandma called him to say he hadn't wiped bis bottom. She had checked before he went in, how many pieces of paper there were on the string, and the number wasn't reduced, when she went to look after he had been in. He told her that he had brought his own. She upbraided him for being one of the soft younger generation. On subsequent visits, he tore some sheets off the string, to fool her.

Before I went to stay for the first time, my cousin told me the best procedure, including tearing off some pieces of the newspaper! But my auntie also told Grandma that I was quite capable of looking after myself in the toilet, and that if I took my own toilet-paper, it was nothing to do with her.

I DID decide to use the newspaper sometimes on later visits - I suppose it was a bit of an adventure - and my dad and my cousin had said that it was a good idea to crumple it in your hands while you were sitting. It was reasonably soft and absorbent. Sometimes there was a crossword on the paper, which I did while I was evacuating. Grandma called out to ask if I was OK as I had been in a long time. I said I was doing a crossword. She rarely laughed, but that did amuse her.

My grandparents died several years ago, grandma first, and grandad soon after. The house, although old fashioned, was in a popular' area for weekend cottages for the better off. It sold easily, and could be modernised. My auntie and my dad shared the proceeds. Needless to say, our grandparents' frugality meant they left quite a bit of money, with a tidy sum for each of the 4 grandchildren, to be invested for house-buying when they were ready. (We had never received presents as such for birthday and Christmas, but money to be saved)

Clearing out the house was quite a task - a veritable Aladdin's Cave - which the children and grandchildren shared in doing. My male cousin and I did our turn together, taking our sleeping bags for several nights. It was Summer time, so quite warm. There was no central heating or hot water system, and water for washing came from a kettle. Actually, we took electric ones with us with adapters. The sockets were very old fashioned, and there was a very old gas cooker. The family had taken some post-Grandma toilet rolls. Each of the three mornings we boys sat on that ancient toilet for the very last time, with much nostalgia. It was a very comfortable seat. I remembered how when I was little, I just undid my belt and zip and jumped up onto the seat, so as not to trip up over my jeans, and then pulled them down to my ankles along with my underpants, when my bottom was securely ensconced. On these last few occasions both of us took our time, enjoying the whole process. And then we wiped, yes, with modern paper.

I suppose that we are grateful that they DID provide for us in the way they did, even though we never had much warm affection for them when they were alive.

My cousin put his share towards buying his own house soon after. Part of my house-warming present to him was a large stock of toilet-rolls!. Now I have started work after university, I have decided to get on the property ladder, together with other bits of capital I have saved, and a tax-free amount from my maternal grandparents. This is a good time for a first buyer, at a time when house prices are dropping in the UK. Our grandparents' frugality and hidden generosity towards us have given us a better start in adult life than many of our contemporaries. My cousin has promised to reciprocate my gift to him when I move in. I can't afford to buy a newspaper! (Both of us have lived off family cast-off furniture to begin with.)

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Between turd turgensons comment and the thought of wiping with your finger, I'm disturbed. Good story though. I don't know about the Sear's salesman but I definatly would have told the Walmart cashier, "Hey, I'm buying this to wipe my ass with it." My saner side doesn't keep me from saying crazy shit anymore.
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Annonymous Coward's picture

No one has mentioned moss. Soft, plentiful in the woods. Hell, bears use it!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I finally figured our the best method to clean one self. everyone should get a pet dog for they like to lick themselves all the time and obviously they never co,plain too much either. Weren't they supposed to have good noses, or was it tongues? Just take your pet everywhere you go. alright, back to the sock right?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Goddammit, who let Bilge's cat's comment through?

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Sears catalogs have changed a lot over the years. Most of the pages have always had a bit of slickness about them but not the old index pages. If I remember correctly the index pages, years ago, were green and had a bit of absorbancy about them. In the days before playboy many a country boy sat in the outhouse and wanked away while looking at the catalog's women's undergarment section.
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

So, when granddad was showing me what side of a tree moss grows on. Was it for orienteering proposes, or how to find natures toilet paper?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I have read that medievel folk wiped their bungs with moss. This was supposedly discovered my digging around in old privy sites, not a job that I would approach with any amount of enthusiasm.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

wipe to red's picture

You did a great experiment for human


but I suggest you can try bamboo slice next time.
It feels not bad

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

I suggest using my most recent quarterly mutual fund statements. They are not good for anything else and I will not need to look at them in the future !

JodyLeeJones's picture

This was one of the funniest articles I have read.
Thank you, I could use more articles like this.