The Acid Crap Attack (?)
Editor's note: the technique described by the author below mystifies me. Can anyone figure out what he's trying to accomplish?
What happened to me? What happened to me was a little thing I like to call the Acid Crap. Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds: it burns when it comes out, and it burns for the rest of the day.
Everyone experiences the Acid Crap at one point or another. For me, it was a crisp April afternoon. Everything seemed normal and peaceful that day. I ate a good breakfast and lunch, but I think the trouble began when I foolishly washed down my cheese-and-jalapeno quesadilla with a Frappuccino from the Starbucks down the street. My bad: dairy on dairy was never meant to be. But clearly I just wasn't thinking.
I felt it come on, slowly at first. All of a sudden, my bowels were crippled by the impending natural disaster. My upper lip began to sweat; but, being the seriously shameful shitter that I am, I couldn't very well walk into the bathroom and let it rip. After all, I had company in the next room.
I struggled to keep still, but I was in agony. My ass was on fire, my mouth was dry, my eyes were tearing -- and yet I couldn't even cry out. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep myself from shitting out my insides. But I did it.
So the moment passed. Now comes the time you all also know: the time when you think you're in the clear. No more upset bowels, muscle cramping, or gas pockets. "Wow," I thought. "I beat the worst crap in the history of the universe."
Yeah... not so much.
A half an hour later, my company has departed. "Great," I think. "Now I can go into the bathroom, take care of this, and continue my day."
Then it happens. My colon goes nuclear. World War III. In my ASS. It was like that scene in Armageddon when the comet retaliates.
Editor's note: I don't know if the following is the exact scene to which the author is referring, but I think it's a good approximation:
"On the one hand," I think, "if I try to make it to the bathroom, I'm going to crap right here on this chair. On the other hand, if I don't try, I'm going to pass out and crap unconsciously on the floor."
So I devised what has now become known as the Acid Crap Attack. It is the only method of crapping that will work against the Acid Crap. Admittedly, its appeal is geared mainly towards Shameful Shitter in-home use; but the Shameful may employ it in public restrooms as well.
Basically, there are two things you need to keep in mind when using the Acid Crap Attack: A) shit and B) seal.
I will now outline the steps that must be followed exactly in order to combat the Acid Crap (and other equally shitty shits).
- Let it out. Let it rip. No inhibitions. Get it out, quickly, as fast and as hard as you can.
*** Wait a second before you start your second round. You'll need all your energy. And you want to give your bowels time to refill with acid crap. ***
- Repeat step 1. Crap volume should decrease.
The Acid Crap Attack is a tested, proven theory. Luckily, I made it to the toilet. My butt still burned for a good two hours; but that's certainly better than your average, debilitating ten to sixteen hours.