The Acid Crap Attack (?)

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Editor's note: the technique described by the author below mystifies me. Can anyone figure out what he's trying to accomplish?

What happened to me? What happened to me was a little thing I like to call the Acid Crap. Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds: it burns when it comes out, and it burns for the rest of the day.

Everyone experiences the Acid Crap at one point or another. For me, it was a crisp April afternoon. Everything seemed normal and peaceful that day. I ate a good breakfast and lunch, but I think the trouble began when I foolishly washed down my cheese-and-jalapeno quesadilla with a Frappuccino from the Starbucks down the street. My bad: dairy on dairy was never meant to be. But clearly I just wasn't thinking.

I felt it come on, slowly at first. All of a sudden, my bowels were crippled by the impending natural disaster. My upper lip began to sweat; but, being the seriously shameful shitter that I am, I couldn't very well walk into the bathroom and let it rip. After all, I had company in the next room.

I struggled to keep still, but I was in agony. My ass was on fire, my mouth was dry, my eyes were tearing -- and yet I couldn't even cry out. It took every ounce of strength I had to keep myself from shitting out my insides. But I did it.

So the moment passed. Now comes the time you all also know: the time when you think you're in the clear. No more upset bowels, muscle cramping, or gas pockets. "Wow," I thought. "I beat the worst crap in the history of the universe."

Yeah... not so much.

A half an hour later, my company has departed. "Great," I think. "Now I can go into the bathroom, take care of this, and continue my day."

Then it happens. My colon goes nuclear. World War III. In my ASS. It was like that scene in Armageddon when the comet retaliates.

Editor's note: I don't know if the following is the exact scene to which the author is referring, but I think it's a good approximation:

"On the one hand," I think, "if I try to make it to the bathroom, I'm going to crap right here on this chair. On the other hand, if I don't try, I'm going to pass out and crap unconsciously on the floor."

So I devised what has now become known as the Acid Crap Attack. It is the only method of crapping that will work against the Acid Crap. Admittedly, its appeal is geared mainly towards Shameful Shitter in-home use; but the Shameful may employ it in public restrooms as well.

Basically, there are two things you need to keep in mind when using the Acid Crap Attack: A) shit and B) seal.

I will now outline the steps that must be followed exactly in order to combat the Acid Crap (and other equally shitty shits).

  1. Let it out. Let it rip. No inhibitions. Get it out, quickly, as fast and as hard as you can.

  • Seal the edges of the toilet with your arms and flush with your elbow until the tank stops running. This sucks out both shit and air, minimizing both olfactory and visual unpleasantries.
  • *** Wait a second before you start your second round. You'll need all your energy. And you want to give your bowels time to refill with acid crap. ***


    1. Repeat step 1. Crap volume should decrease.

  • Wipe, quickly, just to freshen the canvas.
  • Repeat step 2. No change.
  • Repeat step 1. Final round. Purpose is to minimize the fiery, pungent aftermath.
  • Wipe the volcanic chasm clean.
  • Seal, flush, and relax... it's over.
  • The Acid Crap Attack is a tested, proven theory. Luckily, I made it to the toilet. My butt still burned for a good two hours; but that's certainly better than your average, debilitating ten to sixteen hours.

    52 Comments on "The Acid Crap Attack (?)"

    doniker's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    Strange.

    I guess he is trying to say that the suction from a "sealed" toilet bowl sucks the shit out of your ass faster, minimizing the time the shit is on your bunghole.

    But unless you sit on the bowl, there is a gap between the seat and bowl plus unless you have some type of suction from the toilet....ahh forget it...this is stupid.

    Anal About Poop's picture
    l 100+ points
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    What? How? I'm confused. Did she make it to the toilet or not? How do you "seal" the toilet with your arms and flush? Do step 1 but not 2 and 3 then back to 2? I agree, this was stupid. Plus I think your acid shit was caused by ACID, not dairy. Jalapeno and coffee are highly acidic. acid X acid = acid square.

    The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
    k 500+ points
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    See therein lies the problem Anal just the jalapenos alone would bring on an acid crap. Its just like when I make hot peppers. I make very good long fried hots but I also know that this could incur a particularly acidic dump and actually its really NOT the acid so much as it is the pepper seeds remember folks SEEDS DO NOT DIE and apparantley do NOT lose their punch. Now I liked the description of your technique that was good and courteous too I might add. I wish females were a little more shameless they are so far and few between. Dont be so dainty and sweet which I am sure you are. But in these matters where your colon is at risk and holding it in is unhealthy. Its gonna stink, its gonna be loud you should just accept it. You will feel much better believe me!
    _______
    The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

    AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

    Miss Simone Scat's picture
    k 500+ points
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    I am visual.....diagrams or pictures,please. This may clear up any confusion.
    Producing waste since 1967

    Producing waste since 1967

    Di Verticula's picture
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    The gargoyles in the picture add a nice touch. It's as if they are watching your exploding ass with sinister satisfaction.

    feces's picture
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    Hey cool story, I once had acid poop and ended up givng me a rash.

    Anal About Poop's picture
    l 100+ points
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    I like the picture also.
    Anal fiddles while Paris burns.
    Mwahahaha!

    Shitake's picture
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    Nothing kills a good day like a burning anus post acid crap. While I am not quite flexible (or skinny) enough to manuever the seal method, my prayers are still with you, as I feel your pain...literally.

    Deja Poo's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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    Q: Can anyone figure out what he's trying to accomplish?

    A1: Get sucked down the toilet with with their disgusting Acid Crap.

    A2: Find out how much equity is in the house not that the interest rate on the sub-prime loan has reset.

    A3: Summon the spirit of R M Nixon.

    A4: Practice their contortionist act.

    A5: Read the most recent revision to the Senate's proposed Illegal Immigration bill in the only venue that make's sense.

    A7: Free Willy.

    A7: Keep G Bush's idea of peace in the Middle East in its rightful home.

    A8: Bedazzle and Befuddle the best and brightest of the new American literati.

    A9: Call Paris Hilton on the only phone available at her new residence.

    A10: Get published on PoopReport.com.
    _______
    Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

    Yo quiero Taco Bell.

    Anal About Poop's picture
    l 100+ points
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    Caca, you do not LITERALLY feel her pain. You would have to be conjoined twins attached at the ass hole!

    Damn, I'm cranky today. I think I'll give myself a time out until I can play nice.

    DungDaddy's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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    Thou shalt not crap acid.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    Disappointing. I thought he was going to explain how to shit LSD!!!

    Mickey's picture
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    Ah yes - the good old suction shit. The original "EVACUATION". Problem is it's almost impossible to get that airtight seal without a special gasket. Here's another approach. Keep a Fleet Enema bottle filled with a mild bicarbonate of soda solution. Get on the potty and push hard to get all the battery acid out of your rectum. Then immediately insert the enema and squirt, letting the antacid coat your rectum and your burning asshole.

    Will definitely bring a smile and an "OOOOooo, that better" to your lips.

    By the way there's a similar trick for the monster turd that stretches your hole so wide you think its going to split down the middle and leaves you in searing pain even after its all out.

    If anyone is interested ??

    namcampoo's picture
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    I honestly thought this story would be some drug induced crapping of the pants.
    Dear writer you had me laughing till I almost craped my dress.
    Thanks

    Pile Driver's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    I didsome good acid craps after hittin the ol LSD back in the 70s. ever try drivin a big rig stoned? its mind alterin

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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    No, but I do remember my friend Kevin Hanzak driving us around Euclid at midnight while we were tripping in the summer. If we were lucky, it would be a Saturday night. Every Saturday one of the local radio stations would play Maggotbrain at midnight. Nice.

    The few times I've had poop like this, wiping quickly was the most important thing to remember.


    _______
    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    Pile Driver's picture
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    yeah generally it was harley davidslayers and the snake bitten few (a local death metal band) that showed us the way when I was in town, bunch of times when I was on the road truckin id get a buzz goin on to pass the time, and believe it or not the acid usually made me a better driver but it gave me the shits something awful, guess that's why they call it speed, it speeds up your craps

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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    I always thought if LSD gave you the shits, it was because it was old tabs. Some people say "strictnine shits", but I think that's an urban legend.


    _______
    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    Butt Dumpling's picture
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    Splash cold water on your ass !
    it works.

    Pile Driver's picture
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    might of been bad tabs daphne, bumpass virginia (yes it is a real place, mapquest it if you don't believe me) wasnt and still aint exactly nyc or la, quality smack was hard to get locally, usually you had to go to richmond or norfolk or virginia beach to get the hi qual jenk

    GottaGoGirl's picture
    i 2000+ points
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    I stopped reading at "jalepenos". Mystery solved.

    And I just do not understand the arms-sealing-the-commode thing, at all.

    Di Verticula's picture
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    "By the way there's a similar trick for the monster turd that stretches your hole so wide you think its going to split down the middle and leaves you in searing pain even after its all out."

    You mean there is an episiotomy to prevent massive birth anal ripping?

    Fudgepump's picture
    l 100+ points
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    I've read this thing several times now, and my best guess is that the author is trying to contain the stench of the acid shit. I think paragraph three holds the key: this person is so "seriously shameful" that he(?) couldn't even take a dump in his own place because he had company in the next room. That's truly sad - this person seems to have NO comfort zone. As for the arm-seal technique, I'm with G3: I don't get it. When you're sitting, the only gap is the 1/2 inch between the bottom of the seat and the rim of the bowl (and the space between your thighs). I would advise Acidcrapper that well-timed courtesy flushes are very effective for stench suppression. I really think this boils down to a case of extreme Shamefulness.

    Mary Queen of Scats's picture
    l 100+ points
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    The closest I can come to relating is when you have nuclear diarrhea for a few days straight.

    Your butt burns because you've wiped it a hundred times and you finally have a solid poop...*shudder*

    _______
    What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

    Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

    Teddy's picture
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    _______
    teddy Let clear up what he is saying..If when he puts his arms around the top of toilet then flushes.He will create a suction as the water goes down pulling fumes and gas out of the bowl simple as that .The gap between the seat and toilet itself will be where fresh air is sucked in .I don't think it will remove as much odor as he says.Cause when the shit hits the air before he flushes is still there....My thoughts on it .teddy

    teddy

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    Just to clarify the suction theory. I don't mean that the rancid air is actually sucked out by using the arm technique and that vacuums are created. To me, and maybe it's only psychological, sealing the gap between the seat and the bowl minimizes the dissipation of the stench into the rest of the bathroom, a tell-tale sign of a badly dropped deuce. Being the most shameful shitter in history means minimizing the public exposure my craps get.

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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    Who let Teddy out again??? God damn it, now I have to go get my aluminum foil hat again.

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    Dry-Wipe's picture
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    oh just let it rip and stink up the house. i never understood the shamefull. sure, one has to have a measure of respect, im not gonna rip a fart im front of a nun, but if its my house and im in pain u better clear out cuz there will be no pausing, stalling, avoiding or aborting the anal evacuation. and to be honest, ive never bothered with courtesy flushes. if im at home then i close the door and turn on the fan or crack the window. if im in a public restroom then anyone else whos in there or walks in knows there was risk involved by the sheer nature of the place. if bathrooms were supposed to smell like roses then people wouldnt shit there.i refuse to suffer internal physical PAIN because of someone elses minor olfactory UNPLEASANTNESS. than said, i mix coffee (w/ milk or cream) with mexican (w/ dairy) all the time and i must say ive never had the acidic shitties.


    _______
    oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

    oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

    Frank2401's picture
    l 100+ points
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    Dry-Wipe, someday you will have an acid crap. It's only a matter of time my friend. You will call it- "the diarrhea scream".

    TooterHole's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    huh?
    _______
    underwear are to catch the drippings!

    underwear are to catch the drippings!

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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    Um... Hmmm.... I would have to agree with the people who say it must suck the smell out, not the shit. Still, I agree with Doniker that the smell would still creep under the toilet seat. There is no real seal.

    Then again, I couldn't make much sense out of this whole article. It must be my current state of utter exhaustion.

    _______
    What if everyone farted at once?

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    Dry-Wipe's picture
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    i have had the acid craps... beer and taco bell are staples of my diet so trust me, i kno... but when i get the acid shits i simply find a bathroom and proceed to exercise the demons, regardless of my location or who may be around


    _______
    oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

    oh man, i feel soo much better. i think i lost a few pounds... dont even think about going in there for at least 20-30 minutes. dont worry, i left the fan on.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    he forgot to post wipe w/ tp soaked in cold water. ahhhhh it feels like angels sprinkling snow flakes on your brown eye......wonderful!

    PileOhMy's picture
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    I seriously don't get this one sorry :(

    Chief Manyfarts's picture
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    Always eat jalapenos, serranos, habaneros, etc. with a bag of marbles. Take a bite of pepper, pop a marble. Bite of pepper, marble. When the pepper comes out, just when you think you can't take the burn any longer, a marble drops out, splashing water up on your ass.

    CrispityCrappity's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb
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    There is a whole lot of hate rolling around this post people. While I feel at being ashamed of anything that your body doesby design is silly, I also respect that some poeple cannot wrap their heads around that concept. Let the coward share the idea of trying to minimize the smell, and move on. One day God wil judge them all, and those who cannot take peasure in the simple things, will surely not be allowed greater pleasure.


    _______
    If want something done right, send a midget.

    If want something done right, send a midget.

    Daddy DooDoo's picture
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    i have had the acid shits for two days now, but thanks to your detailed stepped process on how to side step this demonic shit explosion, i have curbed the problem and will hopefully be taking solid shits soon!

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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    This topic is interesting to me because one of the foods we use to aid digestion is spice--hot peppery spice, including habanero and cayenne. I have, of course, had burning diarrhea on occasion, but never from eating hot pepper, rather from either some disease or from having too much grease (e.g., from certain types of pizza). Carbonated cola drinks give me the worst runs, so I simply avoid them. Spices (in moderation, to be sure) are healthy for my digestion; had some nice spicy food yesterday, and I expect a nice painless normal b.m. sometime fairly soon now (it's 5:05 a.m. here).

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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    MSG is right about chilies. Friends told me for years that I would ruin my stomach with the amount of hot spicy food I eat. Somewhat concerned I asked my family doctor. The doc. said eating hot chilies makes you secrete more saliva. Saliva is a digestive fluid and larger quantities help you digest you food more thoroughly.

    I eat jalapenos for breakfast and use "El Yucateco Salsa Picante de Chile Habanero" on almost everything I eat. It is delicious. If you travel to countries where vast quantities of hot spicy foods are eaten you will seldom meet an old person who says,
    "I can't eat spicy food anymore." Only a few times in my life have I experienced
    what, here in Tennessee, we call a "shit in the creek" bowel movement

    The seal the commode method I think could only be performed if you were an octopus.

    _______
    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    ChiliKahKah's picture
    j 1000+ points
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    Counteract the acid with a strong base....maybe some baking soda....if you want to have a mixture let these two combine to buffer the PH.

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    How about some advice on how to avoid acid poo? I know I never wanna experience it again....

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    I think what he meant for the suction was to eliminate the smell and mess around the bowl lol as the water washes it and the suction of the toilet causes it to pull in the air, not sure what's meant by sealing the edges with your arms though?

    Anonymous Coward's picture
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    Is anyone else fascinated by the fact that this was written by a female?

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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    No AC, No fascination here. I discovered at a rather tender age that girls also have assholes and use them for the same purposes as men.


    _______
    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Anonymous's picture
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    I know it will say anonymous coward as my nametag because I'm not registered so for the purpose of this desperately needed post I will call myself DragonDump (cos I'm Welsh). I just think it needs to be made clear that shit isn't sucked away when you flush, it's the addition of a large volume of water to the bowl from the cistern that pushes the shit away. So even if you did create a seal no vacuum would be created as the volumes of air and water would remain a constant. It's the same reason the level of water doesn't rise when you have a massive shit/piss.

    Anonymous's picture
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    BRILLIANT!
    This made me laugh so hard I cried.
    Thank you so much for posting this. :)

    Anonymous's picture
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    Another tip, if it was an especially painful crap attack I would not advise looking at the toilet paper after you wipe, am I the only one who does this?

    The reason being, I did earlier and I swear I saw some red smears. I guess five spicy home-made burritos, I make my hamburger extra spicy, was not a good combination.

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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    Just curious anonymous but how do you know when your ass is clean if you don't look at the paper after you wipe?

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Anonymous's picture
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    ever heard of lactic acid einstein?

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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    Dairy products are classified as alkalizing, slightly alkalizing or acidifying. Some refute the fact that dairy products can be alkalizing. This is because they contain lactic acid, which is a very weak acid. While it is considered weak, it does contribute to a low oxygen environment and fatigue. The lactic acid in dairy products is produced by bacteria that feed on the sugar (lactose) in it. However, milk contains large amounts of alkaline minerals including calcium, magnesium, and potassium. It also contains phosphorous, which is necessary for calcium utilization. When one of these alkaline minerals, like calcium for example, binds with lactic acid, a neutral salt called calcium lactate is produced.Thus, while milk contains lactic acid, it also contains the minerals required to buffer it… and then some. The fresher the product is, the less amount of lactic acid it will contain, and the more alkalizing it will be.

    Jalapeno peppers may be hot and spicy but they are classified as an alkalizing food.

    How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

    Anonymous's picture
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    I like the world war III/nuclear holocaust analogy.