College Pooping 101: The Four Poopers Of The Girls' Bathroom
First day of college. We've all been there. You just moved in. It took four carts, but most of your important possessions are finally safely stored in your new closet, sometimes referred to as dorm. Your parents just left, but not before taking you to one of the finest restaurants in town. There you order your last real dish of food. Your last morsel of mashed potatoes. As you wave your parents goodbye, the harsh reality hits you. No, not the fact that you won't be seeing your family for months to come; and no, not the bone-crushing fear of massive amounts of text to read; what hits you is the sudden urge to drop a load into the porcelain Jacuzzi.
So you walk to your dorm and then something else hits you. Not only are there four toilets, but hark -- you share them with twenty of your closest friends. Strutting into the bathroom, you glance about at the strangers. All of the stalls are barren, doors swung open, welcoming and inviting. "Come on in," they cry. "The water's great!" There are some girls looking into the mirrors and a couple even decided to brave the showers; but there are a few -- a rare few -- who are just standing there, staring, desperately trying to figure out what to do. You are one of them. Part of the crowd who fears what all of humanity has done since the beginning of time: the fine art of passing poop.
There are four types of shitters in the college world. And each of them is boldly represented on my floor. The first group, the largest group, are those who are unable to shit. It's just beyond feasible to them. You know this group. They are the ones who set their alarm clocks to have a middle of the night rendezvous with the bowl. They quietly tiptoe out of the room and into the bathroom where, much to their surprise (come on ladies, what's the real surprise?) there is already someone in there taking advantage of the silent shit. It's beyond perfection -- midnight shitting -- truly the only much-needed one-on-one time that you desperately need to have more frequently with yourself. These girls are big fans of the "lean back, flush, and quickly poo while the water makes a ridiculous amount of noise" tactic. This works terrifically as long as your intent was to both disguise the noise of pooping and to attract as much attention to yourself as possible.
A fairly small percentage of this group never has to worry if they can't hit the toilet at the right moment. They are the type who go home every weekend to "do their laundry," which we all know is code for "take a giant-ass dump;" and who can blame them? They've got it all. Blue freshness in their toilet water, a silent room, reading material, even the fresh scent of flowers to brighten them up as they leave. Its poo-fection, if you will.
Secondly, you have a smaller group of those who will poop in public (these people are usually the ones whose homes are really far away). But they tend to do it in uncharted lands. That's right, the ladies on the honors floor. They practically never shit. They are always into their studies, and who the hell cares if you take a shit in their bathroom -- they don't know who you are. These are the type of people who can only shit with really close friends and complete strangers. It's the role of acquaintances that really fuck 'em.
Third. This very, very small group contain the girls who don't normally shit. You know these girls as the ones with the anorexic meal plan and Abercrombie tee shirts. They usually also have giant sequined bags and a tendency to puke in the showers on Thursday and Saturday nights. They've got their bases covered -- because without eating, and drinking only to puke, their bodies completely forget to shit. Classic.
Fourth, and the group with probably the healthiest intestines, are the girls who just let 'er rip. There are usually about three of them on the floor, and I'm putting money on the fact that they are lactose intolerant. That's right. Drink milk -- hell, even eat cheese -- and their ass hugs that bowl for hours. They have gotten so good at shitting in public that they think nothing of it. They are also the girls who think enough about shitting to value it as an important part of their day. Sometimes, they even write about it.