I used to be a smoker, and I once dropped my cigarette while I was seated on the throne, and wound up with a nasty burn on my leg. So, sorry, I won't be taking flammable materials into the can with me. I do agree with you about the air freshener. Can't they come up with some other fragrance other than flowers or potpourri that would mix better with the smell of shit?

I couldn`t afford to replace a blown up toilet each time I struck a match.

There must be someone who can develop an air freshener that can react with the emerging turd to give a fragrance of the food that produced the feces. Then you`d be able to know whether you`d want to eat that food again, depending on the quality of the shit it made.

"Fuck me," he groaned on pebble-dashing the bowl, whilst sniffing the aroma of curried goat coming from his new air freshener, "I won`t be eating any more of that Jamaican shit from The Stoned Rasta Restaurant again."

I'm with you Bullroarer. I have been complaining for years that air freshener makes poop stink worse. The old fashion sulpher match eliminates odors the best. Its hard to find a match in a bathroom these days since few people need them to light the heater. I like the citrus or lemon scented Oust if I have to choose aerosol. Hospitals have M3 which works well also.

Hahahaha!! Those answers cracked me up--what a brilliant idea from Thunderbox.

Just so you know, though--mythbusters thoroughly busted the urban legend about blowing up toilets with a lit match. Flash point's too low.

Anyway, you're supposed to light the match after you get up, wave it out, THEN drop it in!As sittingpretty pointed out, it's the sulphur that does the trick, not the burning match...gotta check out that M3 hospital stuff, hmmmm!

Years ago, we used to pick up cookies at a commercial bakery in trailers. They would send someone into the trailer to sniff for odors, and would reject it if they detected any smell. We would solve this by throwing a handfull of (unused) ground coffee on the floor, and it would take away even the foulest of odors in a few minutes. A small bowl of grounds in the bathroom does wonders, and lasts about a week. (I don't recommend brewing the grounds afterwards though)

Ah, one can wax poetic about the many benefits of coffee--thanks for adding yet another reason to love the stuff, PD.

Thanks to all for these excellent insights!
I'd often wondered what the idea of striking a match was all about...
Not to mention that, as teenagers, I had a friend who was tall and skinny and claimed he could roll himself up and look up his own arse. We suggested to him that he would be able to light a fart and see the flame up close.
One night he decided to give it a try, so he dropped the duds, grabbed a lighter, and rolled himself up on the floor.
As 'old chocolate lips' began to speak, he flicked the lighter.
Chocolate lips was not in the mood for roaring- only a long whisper came out. The resulting blue flame ran up his arse-crack and burned all the hairs off like a little bushfire. He yelled in pain, unrolled double-time, and raced off to the dunny to run some cold water down his crack.
Hilarious to us, but not to him.
Ever since witnessing that, I've been a bit wary about getting a flame anywhere near farts.

At the hunting camp, after we all stopped smoking, and didn't carry matches anymore, we put the can of spray pine for this purpose. We would come out of the shitter after a a 'camp' dump and claim we'd just shit a Christmas tree..
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-While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.-

Great Idea, My fathers side of the family has always used matches in the bathroom, those big, wooden kitchen matches you can strike on your thumbnail-Somehow leaving a box of matches on the toilet tank for guests puts too fine a point on it, and I can see how people might think air-freshener is "classier", somehow.

Somebody with an inclination for engineering could rig-up a system that holds a wooden match in a holder on the side of the tank, connected to the flusher. When the toilet handle is depressed, the match strikes, Then drops into the toilet. Then a new match is spring-loaded into the holder, ready for the next flush.

Ever since Bilgepump sent me that case of Poopouri, I've sworn off any other type of scent or deodorizer. It works very, very well.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The best way to get rid of toilet brew stink is to go in there immediately after someone else has dropped a deuce and let blast with your own brown. As Fat Bastard would say "everyone loves their own brand!"

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I just go to the neighor's. The courtesy part comes when I crap at someone else's house next time.

Sulfur, AKA Brimstone. According to experts, that's what hell is supposed to smell like. The authors that wrote that had no idea that in the future, Renuzit would come with something so much worse.

My gas is so noxious I am afraid I would set the house on fire. Seriously I have taken dumps that have made me leave the house. A match would make my shituation a real travesty if lit.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

If you are still offended by ass emanations, I suggest that you start a desensitization regimen of riding the subway with me. It may be heinous while you're on the train, but your senses will no longer be irritated by the smell of digested chili.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

OMG!!! I didn't read any comments... I just wanted to say that my dad in law takes his daily dump at around 6:30 in the AM, and he is such a shameless shitter he DROWNS his bathroom (the hall bath)with Renuzit!!! It's AWFUL!!!! I even put a box of good ol fashoned strike anywhwere matches in his bathroom, nad he says we will know what we that he took a dump if we smell the match. WELL WTF do ya think we are smellin now?!? Flowers and poo.
Lovely.

Courtesy match? Bluh! Just open the door and let the whole house share your glory!

The question really is, does the match work? Is it just (as stated above) a cover-up like those sickening air fresheners or does it actually burn off the gas fumes? Someone should study this. [If it wasn't already mentioned by another commenter, since I'm a lazy bastard and didn't read them all.]

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Born right the first time.

I need to time my bowel movements every day to avoid embarrassment. I share a bathroom with 3 other apartments on the upper floor of a house. Usually the longest known stretch of time when nobody uses the bathroom is from 2am to 4am. So I have a bowel movement at 2am and pray no one needs to make an unusual trip to the bathroom. 2 hours is USUALLY long enough for the bad smell to dissipate.

The problem is that my bowel movements have a high specific gravity due to my UniMart hot dog diet. The bowel movement particles therefore tend to stay at a lower level, significantly uneffected by the open window. The particles also tend to colesce with the porcelin and the paint on the walls. They form a film on water that prevents evaporation. It's a 'sick' bathroom by now -- I've lived here 2 months and my apartment mates are infuriated with me.

...Also, I won't even fully descibe the aftermath of the time my bowel movement wouldn't flush down and Nixon's plumbers had to be called in. All I'll say is that the toilet took on a new, slightly darker tint.

Ya know, I might've guessed that the most articulate writers with the best senses of humor would be found right here on the Poop Report..most other blog sites I've participated in have a preponderance of semi-literate anal types (pun definitely intended!)

In my office, we have experimented with many odor-neutralizing materials, yet we all agree that none is cheaper and more effective then a match. (Especially a wooden one) Scented candles take a close second.

We have found that lysol and other sprays now remind us of the sent of other people's poop mixed with flowers. My best friend purchased a bottle of odor neutralizer for me as a Christmas gift. (just a few drops in the toilet and poof-most of the smell is gone especially with a courtesy flush) This seems to work good as well. It is also the best option if you are dating someone new and spend the night...in this case, the matches are a giveaway.

I feel the whole point of odor neutralization is to make everyone feel more comfortable while pooping amongst others in close quarters.

Back in my younger years, there were times that I would hold it in til I got home from work...what a sin! Now, I release with pride....all thanks to a trusty matchbook! Hooray Matches!

-Happy Crapping!

Maybe bathrooms could have a little box of matches on the back of the toilets for that purpose, b/c I couldn't agree more, I'd rather just smell poo thanpoo withthose overpowering flower air fresheners
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

A few years ago, I went hiking with my brother and after a long, hard day's slog, finally wound up at camp. Needless to say, I needed to drop a load after my failure to evacuate in the morning. The combination of a quickly eaten breakfast, various trail mixes, and the previous night's dinner caught up with me. I dumped and dumped, and finally emerged, looking mighty pleased. My brother went in after me, and quickly came out, to throw a box of matches straight in my face, yelling "you bastard, get in there and light a match".

Combined with the hellfire and brimstone that explodes from my ass, in a molten, diarrheal likeness of the river Styx, whenever I take a dump, the lighting of a match and its smokey extinguishing would surely transport the subsequent shitters on a sensory excursion into the bowels of Dookie's Inferno.

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"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

aye-aye, cap'n!
nothing worse than shit & flowers. the combination somehow manages to smell worse than the shit itself...

Time for a derail...........I was a smoker,
While I was in the Air Force, and indulged often. Once, while taking a whiz, I left Willie dangling by himself as I fished in my pocket for a box of wooden matches with which to light up a cigarette. The match ignited and broke at the same time.

The smoldering sulfur landed on Willie
One Eye and welded itself to the back of his helmet. I would have been the envy of anyone competing in "Dancing With The Stars" as I did the funky chicken, the Charleston, the Watusi, the foxtrot and several other dances all simultaneously.

I pissed all over my uniform and provided no joy to my girlfriend for several days. No sir..........no matches in the bathroom for me. A burned weenie
fears the fire.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

The only thing I can say after that Chief is,
did it smell like breakfast sausage.

You know, TSV, that's a good thought.

Why were the first two posts so against it? It seems harmless enough to me.

I have actually forgotten about this. Hasn't crossed my mind, unless I see it in a movie or something. I shall take up this banner! I live alone, and don't care how bad I smell, (don't even care how bad others smell) I shall put a book of matches on my lid and spread the shameless word! I keep boxes everywhere, actually. A pile in the kitchen cabinet, one in my truck, and one in my jacket. I don't even smoke, but I hate lighter smell. HATE it. When someone needs a light, I offer them a match that they usually don't accept. They come in handy too. Never know when you need a campfire, or to burn a string off a garment, or burn something in your vehicle for whatever reason.

lmao, Nilla. Dookie's Inferno.

LMAO Chief, that was bad times. I say good comment time.

PD & Poonanza............The smell was something like a whole hog being barbecued over one of Satan's sulfur fired pits while being basted with urine.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

"and he is such a shameless shitter he DROWNS his bathroom (the hall bath)with Renuzit!!!"

Wouldn't that be an act /of/ shame? I personally enjoy "tagging" places I visit with Eau de Cheeks.

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Don't worry, I do it, too!

I find that if you mix 3 to 4 cans of different aerisol sprays it doesn't leave that flowered soaked feces smell. But since I don't own 4 cans of anything, and frankly the smell makes you really buzzed and unable to taste anything but flowers for like an hour, I too have resolved to use a match or just smoke a cig while i'm in there. that usually covers up the smell. Why don't they just invent a toilet that sucks the smell down with it?
Chief... that was borderline TMI, but I laughed my ass off anyways.

This entire situation is nothing but a 'lose lose'. You use air fresheners, it smells like somebody just shit a pinecone, or a partially digested grapefruit...or, it smells like somebody is burning shit in the bathroom. Nothing works. So, no sense in creating a big stink, AND having an open flame 'waving around' in the bathroom. Just shut the door behind you, and pray that nobody knows it was you

I, personally, like to chase mine with the odor of freshly squeezed model glue. When you do this, it leaves the next in line wondering if you were sniffing glue and they automatically place the blame for the poo-odor on the person in front of you.

chiefthunderbutt i have to ask did it leave a scar? you poor guy i thought only shit like that happened to me

My grandparents kept matches in their bathroom. I honor that tradition today. I recall after a really stinky drop, grandparents would take match to one toilet paper square, let it burn to within inches of finger, then drop in bowl. More stink burning flame I suppose. Burning TP is not my preference, though.

Instead have a cheap scented candle and matches on my toilet tank. Candle wax scent covers some musty odors. Flame helps when turd smell takes over.

Aerosol sprays practically indict turd dropper, and exaggerate an already bad situation. Potpourri is overkill and oveproduction. I find vanilla scented sprays humbly mix well with cabbage methane odors.

I have a friend who is a forward air controller so I usually get him to call in a napalm drop on my bathroom after a particularly stinky poop. For normal poops a flame thrower usually does the job.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I have found that the best odor absorber is fresh coffee grounds. I keep some on a small plate. Not only does it work well, but it smells good also. A word of caution to those frugal ones out there. Don't brew a pot with them after they have done their bathroom duty.

Prairie, in a related move I have known people who used toilet paper as a coffee maker filter. No filter, no problem. A few TP squares will do the trick.

As will a paper towel.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Or a relatively clean pair of underwear.

The match has been banned as it contributes to global warning... The irony is the renuzit, ruins the ozone layer !

I'm just curious if flushing wooden matches can cause any plumbing damage, septic problems, sewer, etc.

I don't know about the wooden matches...
...but I once had a wooden horse, and wooden you know it- wooden shit.
I also had a wooden car- it wooden go.
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.