Professor, If you've thought about this so much, surely you have tried to correlate what shit to what you ate?

"Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?" Romans 9:20.

One mud wipe and you get in the shower. Questions?

Well pooped, doctor. I absolutely see your point.

Some people read the horoscopes, others read the tea leaves and still others read the chieftan's entrails in order to find out what lies in their future. PS, it appears, reads the TP.

Your Triple S routine should be amended in order to avoid or lessen the impact of BADs, PS. "Shower, Shit and Shave" is only an expression. The correct order should be "Shit, Shower and Shave." This kind of error can be prevented in the future by observing the Five P Principle: Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance.

That's a grand idea, Dumpster. We'll deal with this the same way the Romans dealt with their occupation issues: one pain in the ass, two boards and three nails.

DungDaddy:

Thanks for your comment. But, keeping track of diet, correlated to bowel movements is easier said then done.

Nevertheless, I will endeavor to create some type of "log" that will make possible a better understanding of what type of food produces what type of stool.

Of course, it may not that easy since there are so many other factors involved, i.e. emotional, environmental, genetic factors.

At present, I work in China, and I notice a distinct difference in the "quality" of my daily bowel movements from what I experience in the US. And, obviously the types of foods eaten in China are much different than what I usually eat in the USA. So, you see, this is much more complicated a project than you might think so, at first.

See for yourself, over a two or three day period whether or not you can monitor your diet. Perhaps, "we" could apply to the federal government for grant to enable a thoroughly systematic and scientific investigation of this phenomenon.

Nihuma, PS! How long have you been in China and how has your diet changed? I'm guessing that you don't eat as much beef, but what about meat in general? Also, has your digestive tract had enough time to adjust to the change in time? When I used to do international travel, I usually suffered from diarrhea for the first few days in a new place. At first, I attributed this to a change in diet. Later, I just decided it was the effects of jet lag, since I also get diarrhea when I get struck by insomnia.

In any case, do you really think that the federal govt needs to spend more money studying shit? Seems to me that the feds have already thrown enough money down the crapper.

I feel your pain. I have the exact same problem. On the bad ass days, I immediately concede that I must waste about $1.50 worth of TP just to wipe. I budget plenty of time for the long, drawn out ordeal. I commence with wiping and around wipe # 5, I start spraying the TP pom poms with a light spritz of water from one of these cheap water misting bottles. This helps to clean the valley much quicker once the major mud is out of the way. On bad days, I might need to spritz 5 wet ones after 4 or 5 dry ones. Then I finish up with 2 dry ones.

I give thanks to God that I have a large tank capacity toilet that can handle this high volume traffic. I must work the plunger but I can get 3 or 4 wipes down with one flush.

If I had a low volume toilet tank, I would probably commit suicide. I know that chocolate is a main contributor to the bad ass days so I usually know when I'll have to pay the piper. Low water intake / dehydration is a contributing factor also.

Happy crapping Professor.

I know what you mean by "confidence" for the upcoming day-- when you're sure you've crapped completely and don't have to worry about it, you can spend your time focused on other things. But when you're pretty sure there may be more coming down the pike at some indeterminable, inopportune time later and of questionable consistency, it can really put a crimp (or cramp) in your day.

Thankfully, I've never had to deal with the variable of various numbered wipes-- always get the job well done in 1-4. Moistened paper if needed is best! I actually look for the feature of having the sink within reach of the toilet when searching for a new place to live....

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Toots and Jammer are right on the money, Professor, and you'd do well to try their technique. On those mornings when you're smearing mud, try a couple of damp wipes after the first dry ones (Jammer's spray-bottle idea is great if the sink isn't right next to the toilet). Also, I gather from your post that you are a paper folder, rather than a buncher. I'm thinking that folders may find the damp wipe technique a bit risky, and perhaps less effective than Jammer's aptly named "TP pom-poms." Damp pom-poms have saved me from spackling my cheekal region many times over the years.

Fudgepump, I'm cracking up at "toots and jammer"-- sounds like a band or something.

I hadn't even considered folders vs. bunchers! Should we do a poll or something? I'm pretty new here, maybe it's all ready been done....

Bunching is best! More textured surface area I think....

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Of course, I've tried various different paper techniques. Bunching, folding etc. I've dampened the paper and used wash cloths. Nevertheless, there are days when, it just won't come clean. And, it baffles me.

Thanks for all your comments.

I like the idea of a bidet but in our culture, and where I live at the present time, they aren't readily available. First chance I get, I'm going to give the bidet a try.

Professor, you suffer from what is known as the dreaded million wiper. Above commentors have mentioned diet changes and I have noticed that the fattier I eat and the more junk the worse the million wipers are. Also, complete vegetarianism does it to me (for some odd reason). Make sure to get plenty of calcium and low-fat meat in your diet and those million wipers will clear up in not time. And NO fast food!!!

Others here have mentioned a bidet. CEP mentioned a shower. It is very easy to climb into your shower and run your ass under the running faucet without turning the main shower on. This should remove the crusty debris. But please, for the love of God, wash things out afterward! A wet wipe will probably finish the job on the freshly cleaned bung.

I hope for more good ass days in your future!

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If a man farts and no one's around, does he make a sound?

I think that if you're having to wipe wipe wipe everytime you go, you may be opening yourself up to a raw anus, and then you'll be smearing shit into an open wound. I'd say, increase your fiber/water intake, and don't start wiping till you're sure you're finished.

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Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

Toots hit the nail on the head. It's not the wiping, it's the the feeling of "unfinished business" that makes for a "bad ass" day.

This sounds similar to what I was going through a few years back.

This could be nothing more than a dietary realted issue, but it could also be signs of IBS.

Firstly, change your diet, or monitor what you eat that gives you the million wipers, and the cramped blocked feeling. If it is IBS, Digestrol will do a phenominal job of relieving your symptoms.
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I am winter's hurricane, I am the great blizzard of 1899, and no body shall be exempt from my wrath.

You need to try a Wash-o-let, from Japan. Solves the 'never ending wipe' everytime!

Reminds me of a ground hog, if you see a shadow its a day of shit, but if its nice and clean your off the hook, till next time. I have the same problem too though but usually it starts out as a badass day and end on the goodass whipeless kinda day.

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poop makes the heart grow fonder

I have to agree with the previous poster that the Toto Washlet is an amazing invention. I spent 3 weeks in Japan a year ago and have been spoiled for life. However, in most ladies' rooms in Japan, there is only one toilet so equipped. The others are the "squat" type. I wasn't able to develop the finesse to use these for my BMs. For those who are interested, the Toto Washlet is available in the US online. It can be installed on a standard toilet. It has two functions, the bidet and the ass washer. A little wand comes out and sprays warm water in the selected location. In Japan, the Toto toilets come fully equipped with the washlet as well as a padded and heated seat. Heavenly!

What sensualism to discover i am not alone! For years I have pondered over the scarcity of perfect poo's. The absence of contenment after wiping is after all rather soul destroying. One can feel inferior when gazing upon the imperfection ingrained into the 'n'th handfull of TP. I read the above posts with great interest and will endevour to eat less fat and see how things progress.

Sir, there is one simple solution to all of this. It's called: Baby Wipes! I became familiar with baby wipes after becoming a dancer, because in a dancers life, clean holes are pretty much everything. Of course, you can still have a multi-wipe day even with the baby wipes, but it definitely takes the edge off. Here's why: Wipes are pre-moistened, so there's no trying to judge how much water is necissary. They are much less rough than a washcloth and much more durable than wet toilet paper, which brings me to the main point - butt scrubbing. See, you can do your first inital wipes with the baby wipe, and get your muck or goo or whatever. It is much better on a baby wipe because the scent of the baby wipe takes the disgust factor away when looking at your butt goo. Throw the first one away. Wipe again, getting the extra stuff. Fold that wipe in half, reach around to your ass, and scrub it, back and forth - no need to be extra gentle. After you've finished scrubbing, fold again, and wipe again. Now here's the part guys might have a little trouble with, but it must be done. Take either a fresh wipe or the one you're using, and fold it into a little square, and place on your butt hole. Now, slowly and gently, press your finger and the wipe into your butt a little bit. Look at the brown star it made on the wipe! See? There's poop inside your butthole you can still clean that may try to stain your underwear later if you don't get it! Seriously, you don't gotta go that far in, maybe like, a quarter of the top part of your finger. That's not much, you can do it. Your butt will be so fucking fresh, man. It'll feel like you cleaned it with minty toothpaste or something! Seriously, this take the edge off of your Bad Ass Days. Also, what you eat does effect the amount you're going to need to wipe.
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Strippers Poop Too!

I agree that baby wipes do take the edge off the problem, but behold another problem...how many wipes to use? I find one is simply not thick enough, but more than one becomes too slippery to handle with confidence. Maybe my dexterity is not what it used to be, but a recent 'finger slip' incident, whilst using the afformentioned wipes, humbled my belief in them. Also, you're left with a rather wet butt afterwards, and if you attempt to wipe with TP after a baby wipe, the TP shreds on contact with the moisture and adheres to the rectum, creating small hanging 'decorations' not disimilar to Xmas baubles!

LOL! I don't use any more than three wipes, but it depends on what kind of wipe it is. The Kandoo style ones for toddlers are a little bit smaller. Anyway, if you just pat the butt dry with the regular TP it wont stick. Oh, and although I think one baby wipe is quite enough thickness, there are some baby wipes that are really really really quilted. They're a couple bucks more expensive but you would only need one for sure, at least, one at a time anyway.
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Strippers Poop Too!

i kinda know what you mean.
if i have a healthy shit, i usually have a good day

but when i have a crap attack, my day usually sucks.

you're not alone

_I did have a problem like you Professor....Wipes are the answer. Thanks to Stripper Poop( the "brown-star) post I have a interesting technique to try.______
Producing waste since 1967

Gee, i did a search for ass wipe curse to find this page. I'm pretty miserable seeing that most of my days are bad ass days and I mean really bad. About 2 years ago I discovered that I had to wipe not only over the pooper but way above it as well and next to it on the inside of the buttock sometimes both. So thats 8 on the pooper, 8 above and 8 next to. Is this normal? Put an end to my misery please tell me am i cursed?

keeping baby butt wipes in every bathroom is a beautiful thing. we have a box of butt wipes at all times. start with the wet wipes, two or three, and dry off with toilet paper. saves toilet paper, toilet clogs, and your ass from being rubbed raw.

Agreed with Stripper Poop, you gotta get into that hole to totally cleanse it. A small part of a well covered finger in won't hurt anybody as we can all agree on how amazingly large the things are that come out. Anotehr thing I like to to towards the end of the wipe process is the “six-pack”, as I like to call it. This is started with the six-pack hold, the thumb and forefinger in a claw position, then joining towards the center of the anus to clean the taint and crack completely. One little finger into the butthole and you're D O N E!

I've had the same problem for as long as I can remember. In the U.S., certain products work better than others. I use dry Charmin Ultra for the early wipes, then follow with Cottonelle Flushable Moist Wipes until everything is clean. The moist wipes are large, soft, and thick enough to handle anything, and most toilets can handle about 2-3 wipes per flush.

Also, if you ever have to deal with a clogged toilet, the best and easiest solution is buckets of hot water. Wads of toilet paper, clumps of moist wipes, and humongous amounts of poop are no match for a few buckets of hot water. Of course, pour it in slowly and wait; everything will go down in a few minutes. Of course, flushing more frequently usually prevents clogs in the first place :-)

PS: I love you all!

i cant believe nobody mentioned "spread the cheeks" this works well for me since i have a very hairy ass. this keeps all poop confined to the anus region and in turn helps to make clean up easier.

a combination is great -- paper for the worst of it, then baby wipes -- and is especially nice while camping since getting the itches later while hiking is just_not_cool.

I have 9 bad ass days for every good ass day. I'm killing far too many trees. Sometimes I'll get in the shower and wiggle a soapy finger as far up my ass as it will go, and even then I can come out, grab a Tucks or baby wipe, and still manage to get a little color on it. I've despaired figuring out what causes this. It can happen with pudding poop or a handsome well-formed torpedo. Somehow I can't just come clean...Can there be some physiological problem which explains this????

It is possible you sat on a magic marker. The ink won't last long.

"I actually look for the feature of having the sink within reach of the toilet when searching for a new place to live...."

yuppppp.

I'm sure it is a lot to do with diet. Alcohol, chocolate, wheat, spices and onion, caffein and dehydration are big ones for me.

They have sinks and toilets, with running water, in cardboard refrigerator boxes?

Yes, Bilge even ice makers. This is 2008.

What the hell? I better find me some new digs!

Say...you suppose, PD, that I could get one of those wide screen high definition TV boxes in one of those new fangled 'fridge boxes?

Wont make sense unless you have the hi-def digital cable service in your 'hood.

Made myself a sat dish out of some foil, an old bullhorn, duct tape, and a couple tp cores...I should be good.

Hope you saved some tp cores to amuse your dogs.

Got plenty, most of my furniture is fashioned from them. Word of caution, they make really fucking lousy pillows.

I don't think fiber is the answer, because I eat buttloads of it. I'm going to try the meat thing.

Sounds like you are a dumb ASS!

I am nearly always a million wiper guy, owing to being overweight in addition to having a poor diet. In fact amongst myself and my friends, it is so rare to see the first wipe clean that we call it a Flawless Victory.

A few strategies to assist this dilemma:

- Before sitting down, spread your cheeks manually (but not so far as to make it uncomfortable).

- If you stand up to wipe, make sure you do your first wipe before fully standing... lean forward and rise as little as possible so that your cheeks are still spread, which prevents the mud from getting squashed and thus occupying far more area than it would otherwise.

- Baby wipes are a godsend. Fold a bit of toilet paper into a square about the size of that baby wipe and use it as a backer for strength, and use that for the first wipe. It can be folded and the paper part used again. The next wipe(s) can be regular paper and you can finish with another wipe if you wish. (Conservation, in addition to the fact that most toilets can't handle more than two wipes in a flush)

When no wipes are handy, do the first wipe as a dab-press or a pinch rather than a true wipe, to minimize smearing.

Good luck, citizen.

Aha! The age-old dilemma of wiping! When I was a kid of six or seven, I used wet washcloths for wiping. My mom had a fit on wash-day! I explained that I used washcloths "when the poop was too much for toilet paper" but she did not even come close to condoning or endorsing my bathroom practices. I figured out not long after that (age ten?) that a wet paper towel can be equally effective, and no incriminating evidence left behind! Just be sure to keep the Industrial Plunger-of-Death handy since clogs can be more frequent.

The daily Good Morning Poop and precursory wipe or two is immediately followed by a shower. I can't help but have a "Good Ass Day" after washing. Daily showers are highly recommended, Professor Schitz!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

I fold, then refold after the first pass, which of course has the most poop on it. Then I get another 4 sheets, wipe, refold, and drip a bit of water on it for another pass. The third set of sheets (usually 3 sheets), I use to wipe, then fold, dab on a bit of Noxzema, and wipe again; that almost always gets me clean and feeling fresh down there.

I like the Noxzema idea but thought they went out of business in the 70's.