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Healthy Poo, Healthy You

Posted 10.06.2008 by Squat-n-leaveit (197)
My health is good. Borderline wonderful. Why? Good genetic material? Nope. Father had a heart attack at thirty-two, another at thirty-five, dead by forty. Had one cousin dead of heart failure at twenty-one.

I haven't had health insurance since 1981. That means that I'm stupid, or cheap, or that my boss does not provide it. (That guy is such an asshole!) (Oh, wait, I'm self-employed.) As the number of funerals in my family increased, I developed a "gonna die young, may as well have fun" attitude.

Then I had a wake-up call in the form of a son. Having an invalid father and a workaholic mother (the joke is that I pinned my own diapers), I decided that I was going to be a different parent in every way. Along with many other things, I became interested in health.

I am fortunate to have among my friends a naturopathic physician, a homeopathic physician, and several nurses. I had one MD, also, until I stole and married his wife. (That's a frightening tale!) So you want to drastically improve you health? Here what they all taught me. Most of the techniques belwo are cheap, while the most important one is free! And they all have to do with what goes in your mouth and comes out your ass.

  1. Take your weight in pounds and divide it in half. Drink that number in ounces of water every day. Example: if you weigh two hundres pounds, drink one hundred ounces of water every day. That's about three quarts. This is the most important thing you can do, and it is free.

  2. Now we deal in poo. Psyllium! Metamucil! Your colon is supposed to be a sewer pipe, not a cesspool. Once that slurry dumps out of the small intestine, other than vacuuming out the excess moisture, it needs to be gone. March those turds out of the asshole ASAP.

  3. Yeast and bacteria. Most people have too much of one and not enough of the other. Yeasts eat sugars and belch carbon dioxide. While I love the smell of rising bread and brewing beer, fermenting turds? Not so much. People with itchy ass, extreme flatulence, foul-smelling poop, bloating, and almost everyone could be helped with 1) grapefruit seed extract and 2) acidophilus.

Total cost for all of this? Maybe ten dollars a month. And if everybody adhered to this, America would probably lose four billion pounds and save hundreds of billions of dollars. Althought not everyone will benefit -- your doctor, your undertaker, etc.



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MSG (753) -- 10.06.2008

After my kidney stone, I was told to drink about 60-64 oz. of water a day; I weigh about 195 right now. I try to drink that much, and mostly I succeed. I have noticed, however, that it's possible to drink too much water, and I've read authorities that say so, too.

One thing I've noticed with my high-water regimen is that my poops are softer. They are still well-formed, decently solid, but closer to a #4 on the Bristol Stool Scale than my former #2-3. I did have a nice hefty #3 this morning; only one wipe; enjoyed it--but then this noon, another nice big b.m., but definitely a #4, took 3 wipes. The water does that.

Good post.

pnuttycorn (269) -- 10.06.2008

As soon as psyllium tastes like bacon, I'm there. And according to my trustworthy makers of Coke, it's another wise choice to getting my daily intake of water.
How does one drink that much water and not live in the bathromm all day?
But I raise my glass of Coke to all you stronger willed folks than me.

daphne (3695) -- 10.06.2008

Here's another couple of tips.

1.) Soy lecithin - you can buy it at the vitamin section of your grocery store. It has been scientifically proven to take the plaque off your arterial walls. There is lecithin in plaque, and by taking no more that 1400 mg lecithin a day, you attract the plaque to come off and be flushed out.

2.) Cayenne pepper is wonderful in the fight against candida yeast. If you have leaky gutt or bad smells coming from your butt (the I stink threads on the site will tell you what I'm talking about), you can use cayenne pepper to kill a great deal of it.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin (2329) -- 10.06.2008

Daphne, you might want to add that sprinkling cayenne pepper onto your butt is not what you're recommending.

Bilgepump (1751) -- 10.06.2008

Fuck, NOW you tell me...god dammit!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

The Regifter (50) -- 10.07.2008

I prefer a little chili pepper and lime. It makes you pucker.

Poop Shooter (598) -- 10.08.2008

Nice post Squat. Now, I realize since I don't poo 2X a day, drink 400 oz of water, and sprinkle cayenne pepper on my bum daily, I'm going to DIE.

Well, it was a good day! On a serious note, drinking a lot of water is good for you, and it's interesting to know the soy lechthin can remove plaque. So if I use the lechthin, I can stop going to the dentist and the heart doctor?? Wow, I learn so much here... thanks fellow poopers!!

P.S. nice to see many of you are still around, as I've been gone for a long long time :-)


_______

Poop Shooter!
1992-2008 Regional Power Pooping Champion

phatmanxxl (206) -- 10.14.2008

I enjoy my itchy ass, extreme flatulence, foul-smelling poop, and bloating. Its what I'm known for.

PoopaSazon (15) -- 11.03.2008

I am so going to try this. I am still looking for a good tea.

sittingpretty (281) -- 11.04.2008

So since I have unhealthy poo, I'm unhealthy. Can't tell for looking at me. How will Poopreporters know when I die? I'm going to prepare my AM Miralax right now.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump (1751) -- 11.04.2008

SP...I think we may have a clue you have ceased to be, the moment we discover you haven't actually moved in a couple of months, and you are starting become slightly odiferous. Not to mention the unnatural bloating caused by stagnant decomposition gases accumulating in your corpse. Oh, and the fact that you will have lost bowel and bladder control...although Prarie Doggin may be inclined to attribute that to your being overwhelmed with his total awesomeness.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

prarie doggin (2329) -- 11.04.2008

You're right there Bilge. Girls tend to go into rigor mortis when they meet me. (I mean that in an overwhelming awesomenessy way)

LeandraCullen (400) -- 11.04.2008

Unless you're a Cullen vampire, then...oh hell no, PD. :D
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

pooperscooper5000 (not verified) -- 11.14.2008

i drink at least 2 quarts of water a day, im 135lbs. and lovin it....
i advise drinking so much water that your pee about every hour.
and yeah drinking lots of water does soften your poop a bit
btw. did anyone know that sweat is diluted pee?

_________
2 kings 18 27
....and they shall eat there own dung and drink there own piss with you

MSG (753) -- 11.14.2008

I agree with drinking lots of water, but beware: Too much water can give trouble, such as heart palpitations. Even the right (large) amount of water will likely mean softer b.m.'s. If you drink lots of water in the evening, you will be up several times during the night. It's great stuff, but best used with care.

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