How To Hide A Shart

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l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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A couple of years ago, I finished up a six-year stint at the department store from hell. While I can fill this forum with tales involving scat left by customers, this first foray into poop reporting involves my own creation.

I was about to graduate college and I had a part-time job (which I loved!) in my field. I worked as a pricer, which meant I mostly came in at five AM to get my department signed and priced. I had a really cool manager -- until he left and our megabitch HR person got his position. This woman was insecure as all hell, and really enjoyed calling me in my department at five or six in the morning to scream at me about not being done with projects yet, even if I had just started them. She took every opportunity -- opportunities mainly created by her -- to scream at me and belittle me, sometimes until she was red in her ugly little face. Why I put up with this bullshit, I'll never know.

Her attitude towards me mixed badly with the fact I had developed a nervous stomach.

One magical morning, I was working on a project when I was paged. It was about six, and I was already sweating profusely. (The store manager was an anal-retentive, skinflint motherfucker who refused to turn on the air conditioning; so I got to work in a hot, humid, dark department.) Just knowing the monster was on the phone made me sweat buckets. I knew what was going to happen once I answered that page. My stomach began to tighten. I could feel the gas pressure against my internal organs. I knew that an onslaught of farting was about to commence. Every time she was even within my sight range, my bowels would fill with enough gas to take care of our national energy needs. I would produce a muffled, psychotic symphony of flatulence, thus creating a noxious odor not previously known to exist in nature. In short, I had a weapon of ass destruction.

I took the call and the screaming commenced. After I hung up, shaking and sweating, my stomach was in a tailspin. Another manger (one who was actually very nice) was next to me. The gas pressure was tremendous, but I didn't want to pollute the air and make the nice manager ill. I had no choice but to move myself away from the manager slightly and let a tiny fart escape.

This, however, was no fart. It was a dreaded shart. For the first time since first grade, I had shit myself. At work, no less.

My underwear felt hot, sticky, and wet. Inside my head, alarms were screaming, and I was yelling, "FUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!" a la Bridget Jones. What to do? If I went downstairs to use the toilet, I would run into SuperBitch. She would scream at me, and probably follow me into the bathroom, demanding to know what I was doing in there. So staying upstairs in the dept was probably the safest alternative. On the other hand, I had a skidmark that would rival anything on the pavement at the Indy 500 in my previously innocent underpants. I knew it was just a matter of time before the stink hit. The bathroom was a must.

I went down the elevator and didn't see the monster. Good. I booked it to the ladies room, where I plopped my ass on the toilet and surveyed the damage. There was a thick, dark brown plop of poo in my underpants. It looked to have the consistency of paste. It wasn't too big -- just thick. What to do?

First thing's first. I pulled out toilet paper to wipe my cornhole; but instead of the shit wiping off, it stuck stubbornly and actually ripped my toilet paper. I realized that if I tried to wipe it out of the undies, it would just smear. I was wearing khaki pants, and if I chucked the undies and went commando, there would be a pretty unpleasant, stinky stain that would ruin my pants and bear as a confession to a workplace pants-shitting. I decided to keep the undies (gross as this was) and wear them as a makeshift thong -- shoving the crotch far up my crack to hopefully avoid further exposure to air and to block contact between the remaining toilet paper, the shit, and my pants. (Yes, the toilet paper was still stuck in my ass.)

I went back upstairs and worked as fast as I could. Thankfully, I had our department's office to myself for a while after I finished my work for the day. And fortunately the poop deity smiled warmly upon me -- for this was one of the days that I left early to go to my other job.

I hopped on a bus about an hour and a half after the shitting. I went home, chucked the undies, and took a nice, long, hot shower. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my stuffed-crack idea worked: no telltale shitstain had disgraced my khakis. I was able to throw them in the wash with a clean conscience... and, later, clean pants.

I quit that job soon after. I cannot describe the sense of freedom and liberation. Life improved after that, and I have -- knock on wood -- not shit myself at work since.

43 Comments on "How To Hide A Shart"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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You should have ENCOURAGED the bitch manager to follow you into the crapper, and then really let one rip in her face.

Although I don't generally condone turd terrorism, people like that are legitimate targets. You should have brought the poo-poo undies to work the next day and left them on her keyboard or something. Or Fed-Exed them to her!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I hope you`re a hot chick Shits - that`ll piss C Everett off.

The voice of sanity

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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That is ingenious, but I am not understanding how you could not wipe your ass. If the paper tore, you should have used more. Was there not any more paper left?


_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Prince of Poop

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Shitty Lawyer's picture
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I just read the Plumber's story (after this one). I had no idea there was such a long-standing debate about whether or not hot chicks shit. Sorry I missed it since I *know* they do not. Anyhoo, minus 1 to me.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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I was wondering that, myself. Although, fearing the managabitcher's wrath may have preempted Happily's attempt to waddle to the sink and get some wet paper towel. Fear clouds the thinking.

Happily-- good story. Good thinking, too!

_______
Santa Caca!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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Minus 1 for me too. They DO shit. All of them. Even the politician ones that spew it.

I was a cashier (meaning cashier/stocker/loader/janitor/company bitch) for about a month and the manager was a total bitch. She would get on everybody's case just to be doing it. I'm glad she got fired recently; she was causing a lot of customers to leave and never return. I can honestly say (for now) that I have yet to shart myself at work or college. My day's coming.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Blue Man POOP's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I believe in some situations of extreme swamp ass it is a good idea to leave a T.P. barrier between the butt and the undies.
_______
Your dog has AIDS!

Your dog has AIDS!

Shits Happily In The Shadows's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Thanks, everyone, for your feedback and kind words! SamDamnit, GottaGoGirl is absolutely correct. It was an employees' bathroom with about 5 stalls (one without a door which was heavily used--don't ask me why), and I was unable to hear overhead pages in there. Had I done the waddle to make wet wipes, anyone could have walked in, and I was especially fearful of the monster coming in demanding to know why I did not call her back. This is the same woman who watched me over the surveillance cameras for about a half hour (for no reason, I promise) and let it slip that she had done so, so this was not inconsistent with her history. I just did the best I could as quickly as possible. :)

Assaulting toilets since 1977!

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ points
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nice story love... are you English?


_______
You can't polish a turd

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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I too would have saved up some farts for the manager wench. Way cool way to hide a shart though. Also if you were in a department store, why didn't you just buy some new undies to change? Maybe you were in a hardware store and sandpaper would not have done the trick. It would have cleaned yer bum though!! :-)


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Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Have to come in at 5AM? Uncalled for! My job is much better (Not to gloat)

THe only other way to hide a shart would be to wear Depends.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

crap announcer's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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My heart goes out to you shits happily. May shit happen to your former manager.


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Shit happens and shit is funny!

Shit happens and shit is funny!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Absolutely hilarious!!! I too have had a shart at work but it wasnt as funny as yours :)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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I can't imagine working at a place like that. It must have been horrible if you had to actually stuff your shitty crack to avoid the little tuna-wreaking cunt! I'm glad you got out of that job and I hope your nervous stomach has recovered since the trauma.

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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_Good to know, for if this ever happens I will have a backup plan.______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
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Your biggest mistake was the fact that you HAD a weapon of ass destruction and failed to use it. I would have made liberal use of that weapon. I would have gassed her right out of the joint. I would go into her office and unleash a barrage of methane the kind you dont dare strike a match to. Better yet if she had a private bathroom I would take a dump and let it ferment. She would have DESERVED it! People have no right to be like that to others.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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Good story! And good to know you got away from this dragon. You must be a very good person not to have taken any opportunity to revenge yourself on her - as suggested by some of our writers above!! As Thunderous says, people have no right to be like that to others - and it's got to be bad if it affects your bowels like that! Good you haven't shit yourself at work since!!!

Ton's picture
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I had a big night of drinking last night. On the way to the shower (in a towel) I went to get a pair of socks to get ready for work. Usually, you get at least 3 gas farts before a solid one.. not this morning. All I felt was a bubble and a wet sound.. I ripped off the towel and made it to the toilet just as a sloppy piece of shit dropped into the bowl. I thought that I had squeezed it all out.. but as I went to wrap the towel around me, I stupidly tried to fart again only to find that I only had liquid farts available. Now, I am at work sitting at my desk. In one hour I leave for the biggest meeting of the year.. I really hope I dont shit my pants. Wish me luck!

Jimmy's picture
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Ah the smell of a good bathroom after someone takes a dump...

ThunderBucket's picture
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this story is funny and not funny at the same time.

everyone fears the dreaded work shart.

The Shartmeister's picture
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Being a disciple of the ways of SHART I occasionally venture into the dark world of the unintentional soiled underwear. The complete loss of rectal control at the very point of massive gas emission ( The brown sound) being replaced by the dreaded follow through of liquified matter. During activity in the bedroom it adds a whole new meaning to sexual chocolate...not good when engaging in the 69 position... oooooh nasty! You can't exactly say " sorry baby, do you need a wipe with that? " I suffered the utter indignity of this when going through a bout of the runs. I gambled & lost man.

Megarectum's picture
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Nothing like a protohumen shart to spice up the work day.

Vanilla Dolphin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Between your literary skills and your comment itself, it seems to me you might have personal experience with such a thing, Megarectum.

So tell me...did you eat any good books lately?

_______
"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

"...I once ate a roadkill possum that had been raised on a diet of carp. I cooked it over a fire fueled with old tires and dog shit. [My fart] put to shame the sewers of Calcutta."
- ChiefThunderbutt

Megarectum's picture
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You seem to have divined quite a lot about my literary skills from a single sentence, Vanilla Dolphin. I'm curious how you were able to glean so much from so little. Anomalies always pique my interest, so if it's not too great an imposition, I'd love to hear more about your special ability.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I once sharted myself on Jurassic Park in Universal Studios. The rest of the day totally fucking sucked.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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you should have waddled into her office and wiped your ass on her keyboard. Totally Justifiable Turd Terrorism.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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fartastically funny

craptaculous's picture
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I sharted myself at school on the way to buy my books. I had to waddle to the bathroom, only to find the sink out of order. I stripped off my jeans and undies and went commando, using the clean toilet water to wash the undies and then wrapping them in paper towels so I could get my stupid books.

Tonnie V's picture
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hey dont feel bad I have a very sensitive stomach too when it comes to nerve wracking situations like that however, if that happened to me I would not have stayed at work that day...you should have just left fuck that bitch! You should have whipped your underwear in her face

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Follow the 11th Commandment, Never Trust A Fart.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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"Every time she was even within my sight range, my bowels would fill with enough gas to take care of our national energy needs."

============

Pavlov couldn't hold a match to this mega-bitch.

Please repeat the PR mantra: a fart is just a shit in disguise.
_______
My special need's student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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You know what a fart is? A turd honking for the right of way.

earl's picture
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My friend did the same thing at the school cafeteria. He cleared out the room and went running. Good thing he had his gym clothes. 13 years later people still remember. He really gambled and lost.

Old Lady's picture
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Poop aroma seems to undergo an immediate chemical change. Why this is, I don't know. Although it smells reasonably OK right after it happens, if you leave the bathroom for a few seconds and come back in again -- Whe-ew!

Purple Shartage's picture
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Never trust a fart

Tales from the SHART side's picture
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I agree with gotta-go girl and I will give you all a sage advice that will blow your mind. SPIT on your toilet square and you will clean off at least 60% more effectively.

That's a pro-poop-tip.

The End of Days's picture
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I sharted before but I was asking for it, I was trying to light a fart on fire at my frieds house... I guess I pushed a little too hard and to make it worse I had been sick the previous day. I Thought I was feeling fine but no. Next thing I know warm 50/50 solid liquid mess was running down my back and in my pants as I was on my back with my bum raised up. 8 people were witness to the day I died a little inside.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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You crazy freak. I guess you did die a lot inside. Your witnesses will be telling their grandchildren that shart story. It iwll become a legend, man.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Quentin V's picture
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That is nasty ass help why in the world would you leave shit on your ass? I know I would have left you if I was your boyfriend/husband that is some sick stuff.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Quentin V ... You have rather poor reading comprehension skills, don't you? Read the story again, slowly and perhaps aloud and your question will be answered.

_____Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear "Stinking Shart" person who just submitted a comment for approval. Your comment was not approved because poop report is not for political commentary but is about poop humor. Please try again in the future.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Shawn Frank's picture
0
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excellent story! I have a dispicable one of my own, check out my blog!

Anonymous's picture
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I was thinking the same thing here