Meth-Lax

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Back in the day, I used to dabble with some pretty hard drugs, one of which was meth. Now I have since been quit for over ten years; but at the time, I was a regular user. For those who have never experimented with the drug, it's usually taken over a period of a few days during which you don't sleep or eat. This is followed by a rest period in which you regain your apatite and eat everything in sight and catch up on sleep and generally feel like death warmed over. As you can imagine, this causes some problems with regularity. While on a binge, I would shit a bowl full of brown liquid with a foamy head on top.

Well, I had been on a four or five day binge, and I had the usual case of diarrhea, but this time it lingered longer than normal. After several days I decided to take something to firm me up, so to speak. I made a trip to the drug store, selected Extra Strength Imodium, and gobbled up a few pills.

Sure enough, the shits stopped. However, they were replaced by constipation. As mentioned above, this was the period during which I would eat like a hog -- not a good thing when constipated. I would go to the throne and sit and nothing would happen.

This went on for four days. I was starting to get worried. I took some laxatives -- no help. By the fifth day, it was Friday, and this was my usual time to start another binge. So I scored a gram and headed home.

One of the side effects I didn't mention was when you do the drug, it makes your guts contract and tense up and the result is usually a good shit; so I was hoping that maybe this would get things moving. I did a small line -- and sure enough, I could feel my guts starting to move, and I started getting serious pains.

I hit the bathroom and the pains were really intense. I felt my butthole start to stretch as the five-day turd tried to come out. At this point I started to think about what women must go through with childbirth. The pain was real as my ass was stretching and stretching and finally the five-day turd was moving... and moving... and moving.

It just kept coming out. It was like a religious experience. I would grunt and push out a few inches and catch my breath and push some more and a few more inches would emerge. This thing was massive. Nothing has ever come close in size before or since.

When I was through, I just had to sit there for a while. My legs were shaking and I was sweating. But I had to look. As I stood up I took a dizzy spell, and had to steady myself.

Finally I turned and looked in the toilet, and there was the Mother Of All Turds. A good three inches in diameter. The length? Hard to say. The only place it could go was down the drain. There was about twenty inches visible, with an undetermined amount down the drain hole.

I staggered to my bed and lay there while my body tried to put itself back to normal.

19 Comments on "Meth-Lax"

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Amazing, that`s practically a complete 6 pack of full beer cans you shat out. My ring would have split right past my nutsack if it had been me.

The voice of sanity

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
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Excellent imagery Thunderbox - I guess I'm so used to hearing about huge poops that it didn't occur to me how big that turd was.

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Holy skid marks Batman!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Frothing at the ass, eh? Sounds like frothing at the mouth can't be far away either.

Get help before you wind up barking mad as well.

(Alcohol will make you shake. Pot will make you dull. Crack will make you paranoid. Crank will make you psychotic.)

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sounds like Meth is getting a bum rap from this story, funny that one of it's ingredients is ACETONE, sounds like your ass just wasn't properly toned for this endeavor.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I know of what you speak-- that was me about 15 years ago, all that back and forth, using "medicinally".

I actually went without food (and sleep)one time for over a week and when I ate again my body couldn't handle it-- I went to the hospital the pain was so bad since I couldn't shit and couldn't puke. My white cell count was through the roof! My guts were treating food as a foreign object! I had killed off all the good bacteria that help digest.

So, that excess was never repeated, of course and I always make sure I take a probiotic even though I don't do THAT anymore!

But yeah, meth is just super-powered crystal coffee! Makes for interesting shittin', tho'.

Shit monster's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Which reminds me why I don't do meth!!


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(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

(insert ziggy boogy doog here)

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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This kind of story makes me greatful that I gave up recreational use of drugs by the time I reached my mid-twenties and never dabbled with meth or the like. I never got into more "hardcore" drugs and am very thankful that I didn't - I enjoyed having a bunghole of steel in those days and taking the wrong stuff would have destroyed the balance. Glad to hear that you are not on the stuff anymore and I wish you MANY more years of being clean!


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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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That's a big turd, and a funny story. Meth never affects my digestion.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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you should stick with cocaine.

Bigassman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I have never done drugs in my life an what is strange i will have 3 weeks with out a shit then i get pains and shit a big turd out

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If you have to shit you shit. But if you are not close to a shitter shit by a tree but if there is not a tree go in a bag and if there is no bag shit your pants

Shit shit and shit

MMM... Creamy's picture
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Yes, nothing like a good poop after a multiple day crank binge. The strangest shit I have experienced, however, was during the middle of an intense acid trip. A friend of mine had provided me with a rather large puddle of liquid “Cream” on my tong. My butt touched porcelain just as the LSD began to take hold. It took me three hours to find my way out of that bathroom. Years later, I still have mini flashbacks with every poop.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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yeah crank makes me shit too, but i usually try to stop doing lines by noon so i can sleep at night.

Anonymous Valiant's picture
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I can't believe y'all are doing lines of ice ... that's not a good idea
Well, meth isn't a good idea ...
I was a tweaker for a long time, but i never binged, i just stayed up for about 2 years and finally crashed ... ok ... so that's not possible, but i did drop from 130 to 95 pounds - talk about never having shits -

fillabutt's picture
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onpunchlou says talking about a meth crap, i was on abinge for a month ,when i took a shit it stuck 2feet out of the toilet,so i had to leave it for my screwed up room mate,it was so bad it looked like a tree branch growing roots ,the moral of the story is if it looks like aa tree plant it

graham36's picture
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You had a pretty serious condition, I didn't know that meth can bring such effects. I hope you are all right now and I would strongly advise you to get a medical check and make sure there are no other complications. As for the meth, keep it far.
Residential drug treatment center

ploptastic's picture
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acid splashbacks!!! now that's quite spinney pmsl!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I am an addict. I am now in a addiction treatment that does work pretty good. But sometimes is just feel a bigger power that wants me to take my dose and get back to my old self. I would like to have them both, but can`t do.

Stu's picture
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My buddy and I used to do meth way back in the late 80's-early 90's. It definitely did help move the crap out the colon fast. We didn't actually have the squirts, just an urge to crap. We were in my room, usually, when the urge would hit us, and we became somewhat shameless shitters from it. My bathroom had a short curtain for a door and we would talk to each other through it and enter the bathroom just as the other one was finishing up. Kept the seat warm.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i had a pretty crazy pooping experience on mushrooms once. kindv'e felt sparkely (?-i know! w.t.f.?) and afterwards my insides felt really clean like they'd been scrubbed and polished. meth makes me shit constantly nasty ass liquid and small orangish chunks even if i don't eat for a couple days and shit 10 times i still have to shit on that stuff. mutha eff that drug! having to crap constantly sucks ass.