Misadventures In Butt Shaving

// // 101 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Editor's Note: Thank you, Chief Thunderbutt, for setting the record strait. This is a reprint from craigslist classics. Good detective work!


I have recently made a mistake in my life and I offer my story to all, though it is tasteless, so that you may learn from my error.

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea.

"Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements.

"How many Indians could there be?" - General George Custer

"Looks like a good day for a drive!" - JFK

"There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" - some idiot system tech

Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the in-between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. I wiped the razor one last time and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair; my ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. One of its many purposes is that it provides friction - I learned this the next day when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and started to sweat, I began to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop molecules lingering around my brown starfish.

When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination; and as I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-Damn, did it itch! It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack.

Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down the back of my pants and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion also caused me to sweat, and when I did reach my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a four block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep my breakfast down. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping and the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: it will be like this until the hair grows back, which would take weeks.

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I’d attempt to launch a fart only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.

Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad.

Well, that is what I’m dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Don’t shave your ass hair.

101 Comments on "Misadventures In Butt Shaving"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Great story....funny as hell, but....I have a relatively hairless butt and suffer from none of the problems you had "post shave", could it be that I am just used to it?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Very funny story. I'm sure you can be easily spotted on campus by your akward gait. Try shoving some fiberglass insulation or cotton candy between your cheesy ass cheeks to simulate the hair until it grows back.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Great stuff, OT420. That`s one of those once in a lifetime things you do...like waterskiing naked to experience the effect of high speed enemas.

The voice of sanity

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

Swampass! There are a couple of things you can do. Powder your ass. Buy a little travel one and keep with you if need be. Powder will absorb the swamp, and keep you smelling fresh. (dude,(assuming)wash your ass good when you shower, and dry it good then powder)Also there is some anti chafing cream you can buy made by Monistat. It works wonders. beacuse now that you have no barrier between your ass cheeks you're gonna have chafing, and it SUCKS!
Good luck, and awesome story!!!

Oh Shit Son's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

hmmm i have a pretty hairy ass and haven't had that problem when i shaved *my* ass, but i've had a similar situation shaving, erm, other things


_______
Now that's what I call classical gas!

Now that's what I call classical gas!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

I suggest NOT using Mennan after shave lotion after you finish with the razor. Further, do not even thik of using Old Spice or Williams LectaShave.

Anonymous Coward's picture

yes.. babypowder works good... another good suggestion is to have a close friend do the shaving for you. That way, everything gets shaved properly and the powder gets applied correctly. Thats what i do

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I wonder if there is enough interest in this for an entrepreneur to open an ass shaving operation and make a killing. Perhaps this should be brought up at the next board of directors meeting at DTI.

We'll make that hiney nice and shiney.

Dr. Buttstein


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

The Gerbil's picture

You think having a gerbil ran up and down the length of your crack feels uncomfortable, imagine what it's like for us gerbils stuck in that sweaty, poop ridden place when all we want is our cage and exercise wheel.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em, there's no place like home. There's no place like home.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

There is an actual product called Monkey Butt that helps out with the moisture problems. It works fairly well.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, I like your idea. Why don't you run with it.

Far away
Far far away

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

Chili, They have a website.
antimonkeybutt.com. The Biker and jogger commercials are funny.
I'd post a link but I has the stupid and I don't know how.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

When you have a sasquatch ass hair rainforest ecosphere going on back there you can't just lop it all down or there will be dire consequences! You obviously upset the delicate balance of ass hair and shit particles and the result was gluteal cleft warming.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Anonymous Coward's picture

That's disgusting. But it's also disgusting when men have big bushes in their cracks. I recommend trimming the hair in the future rather than shaving.

OutdoorPooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'd take swamp ass over chaffing any day of the week.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I hope OT420 got my email - this was originally a comment waiting to be approved; but it made me laugh so hard I hoped you would all also enjoy it.

Wherever you are, OT420, I hope it's all grown back!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I saw a guy in the drug store last night dumping a bottle of Rogaine down the back of his pants. OT420, was that you?

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

"As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble."
Yep, and the only way to avoid the stubble is to keep on shaving.
Maybe the budding hairs will curl over each other and Velcro your cheeks together. At least that'll stop the slip'n'slide feeling.
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Anonymous Coward's picture

go see a "MANSCAPER"

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sometimes, indeed, the evil we know is preferable to the evil we don't know. I have never shaved my somewhat hairy rear because (a) there isn't all that much hair, (b) I despise stubble, and (c) I don't have that much poop stickage on my hairs (at least, that I can tell). Leaving well enough alone has a lot to be said for it.

Good story, well written, good images.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Disturbingly good images, I might add.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Three words for OT420: Gold Bond Powder.

You may dig the "cooling" sensation of the regular mentholated formula, but for keeping parts dry--especially parts that rub together--I'd suggest you use the cornstarch version (lighter yellow bottle with red top).

It also has a pleasant, almost cinnamon-y scent. Make your ass smell like a baked good... then maybe you can get lucky with Sarah Jessica Parker.

_______
It's always 4:20 somewhere!

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

IBBY, you wouldn't want his ass to smell too much like a cinnamon bun or he might get
(un)lucky with John Goodman.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

You should have just used a hair trimmer instead of shaving.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Consider using a trimmer with a guard, it leaves enough hair while getting rid of the bushyness, and also eliminates ingrown hairs. I never shave my ass completely smooth.

Shocked's picture

OMG, sounds like one of your problems is that you don't clean up well after the fact. You should try using moist towelettes. Start with regular hygienic paper then move on to the moist ones. You can be more precise with your wipe and it cleans up better than just the dry stuff.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I suggest that anyone with a hairy butt problem use the "hillbilly hot wax alternative", just cover your butthole with duct tape then rip it off.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, that's a waste of duct tape that could be better used for attaching that addition onto your house. Just shove one of those round hair brushes up there, rotate it until it binds and pull. I'm sure the wife won't mind.

Zorba the Greek's picture

I`m proud to be a member of a hairy backed nationality. We are also a frugal people and have much initiative.

For four weeks we will let all the tagnuts and winnets collect in our ass hair. Also, all the lovely goats that that we hump during the month - we let all their ass smearings collect in our front pubes.

When we have our big family lunch on Saturday at the end of the month, we cut off all these bits of collected hair and now dried turds and use them as fuel for cooking our feast!

You can all learn something from us Greeks!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well then I really don't want to know the recipe for your taziki sauce.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

There went a pound of feta cheese into the trash!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Good story. Just trim next time and use baby wipes if you're not going to shower after a shit. Here is a tip while trimming to avoid trimming skin. Pull a few pubes tight and cut close to your fingers very carefully. Take small sections one at a time. Good luck.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I seriously do not understand why people take razor blades to any hair that is between the middle of the upper thigh and the belly button. Seriously, wax if you don't want hair there. I maintain a Brazilian most of the time and when it grows in, it's totally itchfree and it grows back really fine. I'm fortunate to not have a hairy asscrack since I'm a woman, but if you get a Manzilian, they will take all the hair out of your crack very easily (it actually doesn't really hurt when they do the crack because there aren't many pain receptors there) and it won't grow back all scratchy.

BTW, ingrown anal hair cysts grow some nasty-smelling bacterial infections. So unless you want an embarrassing trip to the doc and someone like me analyzing the pus from your ass, don't shave it.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Eoz2's picture

Waxing can also cause ingrown hairs. I never get ingrown hairs when I shave but I do get them when I wax (which is rare).

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

just use a hair trimmer

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Shame on you, OT420. Poopreport officially farts in your general direction.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Your welcome Daphne.....I try to keep my rheumy old eyes peeled:-))


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Nobody mentions washing your ass after shit! You wash your hands but not your asshole. Why? Why you want all that stinky shit still smeared on your body? Also if you want to remove hair from your ass just use hair removing creams, they work great. Then put some baby powder and you are all set, feeling clean and dry.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Thank you for solving that problem AC. Are you going to work on world peace next?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC.....Hair removing creams are a definite no-no for anuses. The anal tissues are much to delicate and you might as well be taking the hair off with lye or something equally caustic.
A good rule of thumb, if your underwear covers it don't use a depilatory on it.

Your remark about washing is right on though.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture

just wipe your arse!

Dookie Booty's picture

Could you send me a sample of this ass juice so i could run some proper test on it?

Did you know you can fart in bottles and put the cap on to preserve the smell?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dookie Booty, welcome to Poopreport. You must be employed at DogginThunderbutt Institute of Skatology to be an official ass juice tester. Dr. Dogginvert just happens to be looking for an ass juice tester enthusiast such as yourself.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

SP, might I say, that as head of our Human and Barely Human Resources Department, you are doing a fine job. Keep up the good work, and maybe I will send you and Branny on another trip abroad.

Dr. Dogginperv

battleshits pooperstar's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ahhh.....
now thats what i look for in a man. shameless knowledge and sarcasm all rolled in one

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

battleshits poo.....I can be just as shameless as Dr. Dogginperv but he has it all over me as far as wise ass...er...sarcasm goes. Do you have a spare roll of paper so I can wipe some of it off?

Prof. Thunderbutt


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Poopsy McGee's picture
l 100+ points

That's because Dr. Dogginperv hails from one of the wise ass...ah...sarcasm capitols of the world. Is it coincidence that it is also the toxic waste capitol of the world? I see a correlation.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

A misconception Poopsie. Most people think Jersey is a small state loaded with toxic waste dumps and full of deformed people running around. To be perfectly honest, I can count the number of waste sites near me on one hand.

Yep, there's seven of em.

Rosa!'s picture

Hahahahahhahaha. I love you. This made my day :D

iwantsitt2's picture

i have a hairless butt and don't have these problems. i shave from cheek to the hole. shave the way the hair grows. and when you are done put alcolhol on a cotton ball squeezing out the excess so it don't run onto you butthole. and just go over the area that you shaved. give this a try

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.