Misadventures In Butt Shaving

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Editor's Note: Thank you, Chief Thunderbutt, for setting the record strait. This is a reprint from craigslist classics. Good detective work!


I have recently made a mistake in my life and I offer my story to all, though it is tasteless, so that you may learn from my error.

It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea.

"Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements.

"How many Indians could there be?" - General George Custer

"Looks like a good day for a drive!" - JFK

"There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" - some idiot system tech

Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the in-between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. I wiped the razor one last time and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair; my ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. One of its many purposes is that it provides friction - I learned this the next day when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and started to sweat, I began to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop molecules lingering around my brown starfish.

When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination; and as I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-Damn, did it itch! It felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack.

Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down the back of my pants and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion also caused me to sweat, and when I did reach my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a four block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep my breakfast down. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping and the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: it will be like this until the hair grows back, which would take weeks.

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I’d attempt to launch a fart only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.

Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad.

Well, that is what I’m dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Don’t shave your ass hair.

101 Comments on "Misadventures In Butt Shaving"

Anonymous's picture

All these comment and no suggestion for using a manpon!

Manpon: 3-4 sheets of TP rolled into a cylindrical shape and placed between the cheeks. I have done this after shaving my brown eye and it works quite well at keeping moisture to a minimum.

Stand 2 Wipe's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I don't have ass hair one. so I never would know the difference. sorry about your luck.

Stand 2 wipe

Anonymous Queen of anal's picture

why would you have leftover shit in your ass?, I thought it would be easier to wipe it all away when you had no hair.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is why I don't shave my ass hairs. Because of THIS story.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Only if nobody wears an eyepatch.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Well nobody, and just who the hell are you. Are you a friend of Polyphemus from Homer's Odyssey?


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

nobody's picture

You seem like a moron. You're just not clean.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

So you're the one in the giant picture posted on the front door of my local H.D. store. I must say, you do look hot in handcuffs.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

pd, I took your advice. I am now banned for life from all Home Depots. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have brought the husband with me to try out the different techniques in the store. I only got as far as the electric hedge-trimmers before security showed up.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

The Homer bucket? D'oh! I knew there was something I was forgetting.(For a different reason,don't worry. No jungle explorer here.)
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Oh, and don't forget the Homer bucket for the trimmings.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Brownie, you need to prepare yourself and I can think of no better place than your local Home Depot. First check out the shrubbery department. Find yourself some good quality pruning shears and attack the thickest nastiest bush you can find (while the associates are busy elsewhere of course). If that whets your appetite, go into the string trimmer area and start one of those beauties up. Maybe you'll be lucky and some shaggy haired kid, busy listening to his iPod, will walk by. Play a bit with the weed augs, post hole diggers and power edgers before tearing open a big bag of organic manure and taking in a deep breath. Apologize to everyone standing about staring at you and head home with a confident smile on your face.

I hope this helps.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Aw, is your wife nice enough to help you with the back yard work? My husband has asked more than once, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Being elbow-deep in ass hair might just kill what is left of the mystery in our relationship. He says it didn't bother him to see me poop while having our daughter, so it should be fine, but I'm just not "there" yet.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I understand that rusty barbed wire you use for string is a bit rough on the surrounding meat. Do you splash on some after shave when she's done?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

We hillbillies are a tough breed, I have my wife use a weed eater on my butt foliage.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

And you Chief?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Right you are Chief. I'm a bit spoiled though and insist on having my barber do the job. Although it's not really relaxing to be bent over the chair back with my pants down to my ankles, the hot lather and straight razor smoothness makes up for it.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Aren't we all supposed to be shaving our winkers?


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

"Drop a chalupa" takes on a whole new scary meaning. I've been there.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Nothing will kick you back over to regular like a couple of chalupas with nacho "cheese."

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


_what we got cooking in Los Angeles are three eyed croaker braised with aluminum rich, chem-traill compost soil. Finely stroked by a brittle ass hair brush made this morning, and marinated for an hour, we ate, then stumbled in front of a mirror when dusk fell, and reveled at our glowing bodies. My ass bush waved in the sublte wind creeping through the cracks from louvre windows. The mighty bush, swaying to the beat of Arthur Alexander's Anna...and...and....chupacabre went through the ass bush, did the Houdini and settled for a Nacho Supreme.....NO LOYALTY ANYMORE...FUCKEr!!!!

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Pappy Yokum's picture

Taco Bell?? Where is your class Brown Eye Girl?? You sounded like such a sweet thang too.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I'm drooling so much I have to drive over there with my bib already on. I know you are having some well problems there Chief, so I carved out a couple of generous chunks of NJ river water and threw them in my trunk. The heat should soften them a bit. We could make some lemonade.

Don't worry Brown Eye Girl, I'll have Chief pack some to go and deliver it to you. It's even better the next day.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh, er, uh, I just got Taco Bell. Not that that...stuff doesn't sound just delish! Maybe next time...

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Back from hog chasing and dinner is boiling on the stove top. I didn't have time to clean the chittlings real good so the steam has attracted an unusual amount of blowflies to the porch. I never saw this many so early in the year, it's sorta comical to watch the coon-hounds trying to twitch em off by quivering their hides.

I was going to make some raisin bread but so many flies fell in the dough that I didn't have to use any raisins. That left me with more money to spend on wine, hope you guys like Mad Dog 20/20, we save on dish washing here by just passing it around in a sack.

You ain't never had a real dessert till you sink yore teeth into one of Granny Thunderbutts turnip cobblers. She makes the crust extra tender cause most of us ain't got more than 2 or 3 teeth.

See you in a little while, bring yore appetites!!!


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well we missed breakfast, so our pow wow may just be over dinner at Chief's abode. He must be out tending the still or chasing down a hog, but I'm sure he'll be here soon.

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm down. Right now I'm just putting off going to the store, because we are out of milk, but my hunger is about to override my laziness.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Brown Eye Girl, why don't you join me at Chief's house for breakfast this morning and we can discuss these things. Chief, what will we be having for breakfast? I'm starving buddy.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Brown Eye Girl, You miss my point, if you don't visit the sites before breakfast, they will have no effect on your desire to finish your breakfast.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh, ok! I thought it had something to do with them being about things like poop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Brown Eye Girl, It's a matter of timing, if you visit the websites later in the day they will make you not want to finish your supper.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Brown Eye Girl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Why do all the websites I visit make me want to not finish my breakfast?

Anonymous Coward's picture

If you are having problems with poop and ass hair, it's never the right thing to do...shaving your ass hair. Get a free hour, a pair of scissors and tentatively cut the hair down to size or if you're as lazy as I am, buy a very small shear and shear it down to size. It will solve your problem without creating more crap for you to deal with. Pun, not intended.

Smooth Anonymous Coward's picture

I always found the sensation of my cheeks sliding past each other quite pleasurable. The only problem I find is that farts can nearly never be silent with a smooth crack! The hair creates passages for the gases to vent without having noise producing cheek flappage. Also, I nearly always wash my crack with water after dumping. Why bidets and moist wipes are not ubiquitous is beyond me!

Mr. FACE's picture

Was it summer or winter? I often have this problem in my winter drawers (I do nor shave my nether regions). My summer cottons do not lend to this issue. What were you wearing?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

SWE -- If the problem you're referring to is farts getting stuck in cheeks... yes, girls who shave their nether regions do experience this problem. At least this one does.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

personal hygiene man   's picture

More shameless exploitation of the pooreport for getting the word out about MB3 personal hygiene! We had a college intern helping us with research and marketing concepts and he used our product for what he called "swamp ass" after athletic events and was very pleased with the results.
I had never heard the term before, but knew of the condition. Try our product for the hairy ass's also, as it will clean them better than you think!
Also check out Daphne's "product evaluation" in the consumer reports section of this wonderful website!
Eat, crap and be merry, personal care for your derriere is here! www.mb3products.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Sorry SWE, there are a few ladies, but most of the moronic, 5th grade behavior here is carried by the men.

Was that what you were talking about?

SolidWasteEnthusiast's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Do girls experience this problem?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Thank you IBBY and Chief. I would like to also mention that the diesel model should be used in only a well ventilated bathroom. A secure hug-like grip around the toilet bowl is also recommended for the shavee. Please follow the enclosed instructions carefully. They're in English, Greek, and Kyrgyz.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

PD failed to mention the heavy duty model for those of you who have the crack hair of a silverback gorilla, DTI's latest The "DIESEL BUTT PLUCKER".


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Thanks PD! I thought of a few more, too:

The Bum Buzzer

The Crack Clipper

The Rod-n-Staff
(for more comfort in the Valley of the Shadow of Death)

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

HI BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE SPLIT STRIPPER.....IT'S GOT THE EDGE TO CLIP YOUR HEDGE

It's got a nice ring to it IBBY.

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

Or "The Split Stripper"

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

"The Pooper Pruner"

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Fear not Bowel Howl, we here at DTI have just patented our exclusive ass crack trimmer. Unlike the straight teeth of a beard trimmer, ours is shaped like a V. Just fire it up and run it down your cheesy valley just like a Buffalo highway plow in January. It has the power to ram through any thicket, brambleberry patch or swampass. And don't worry about trimmer mixups. There will be no mistaking this chrome beauty for another as it sits proudly on your sink vanity. Why, even Stevie Wonder would be able to find it.

We will start production just as soon as we find a catchy name for it.

Bowel Howl's picture

The trimmer is a good idea. Just get a second one for the mustache, and don't mix them up!

Duke! Get out from under there before he craps all over you!

Le Poo's picture

Hey Craigslistclassics, even I experienced these same problems when I shaved my behind. I'm from India, I've faced 45* C summers with a shaven ass, but I never had case of swampy slimy ass like you. But I did experience the Brillo Scrubber Ass Pad Syndrome (BSAD).You get used to it over time as skin sensitivity decreases and your anal area becomes tough as nails. Keep it smooth baby!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Girls have to shave off unspeakable things on a very frequent basis. Count your blessings, you whiner.

Also, invest in aloe (that rubs in all the way) or talcum powder next time.

jayemme167's picture

funny, but i can't help thinking you really just did something wrong when you shaved. not everyone without hair on their butt has these problems either

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