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oxypowder

The Mixing Bowel

Posted 05.16.2007 by dooder (46)
Last Thursday night, I snacked myself into a near-death experience.

I always munch during Thursday TV time. That's three total hours of eating anything I can find during commercial breaks. This last Thursday, I awoke about one AM to feel Lemmiwinks actively searching for freedom deep within my bowels. Not the normal movement but erratic, nervous behavior. Then I realized that Lemmi was being chased by a river of molten shit. I'm not a virgin to middle-of-the-night episodes, but I can't think of one recently that felt as urgent.

My ass spewed a caustic lava I had never before known. It was spicy as well as hot -- temperature hot. To make matters worse, I have a 'roid named Gulliver that I'd just managed to sedate in recent days. Now he was being slapped awake by a slosh of white-hot intestinal acid.

Gulliver awakened with fury, summoning the entire sphincterial ring of Lilliputian nerve endings into a frenzied rage. My hole throbbed in a syncopatic dirge maestro'd by the enraged hemorrhoid.

I shot a few more loads into the bowl with each colon surge. The foul water beneath me hissed, and I could hear the ululating of the sewer Chupacabras as they gyrated demonically at the anticipation of their impending meal. My pain was exquisite.

You can't wipe after an episode like this. Even the fantasy of a bidet squirting chilled baby oil into my taint was ineffective. I resorted to the fresh container of crack tortillas on the tank lid, which normally soothe the mighty Gulliver. I rolled, and I Tucked, but even the good witch hazel had no magic spells this time. I pulled my upper lip taut and gingerly powdered my hole, and then returned to bed.

I lay in the darkness, trying to remove focus from my burning ring. Then, when it couldn't seem to be any worse, my ass cheek began to throb.

It is difficult to describe the sensation, other than to say it was a relentless muscle ache in my bun. I perched, swiveled, and contorted in an effort to find relief for my former green zone. For nearly an hour I writhed in the last throes, if you will, of my insurgency. I finally ate a handful of Advil and was able to get back to sleep.

The next morning Gulliver was fast asleep and acting as if nothing ever happened. I, on the other hand, still had the sharp memory of the assault in my head. Mostly I was perplexed as to why it was such a severe shit. I didn't trust food any more, as I certainly didn't want anything else squeezing through my smoldering loop anytime soon.

Was it something I ate? Nothing I could remember eating the night before had a Surgeon General warning label, nor did anything advertising three alarms come to mind; not even one or two alarms, for that matter. Even if that were the case, I can normally eat some pretty hellacious food; my system usually does a good job of smoke jumping it.

The following is a review of Thursday night's intake. Perhaps someone within this enlightened community can spot the item(s) that could possibly have spawned my vision of El Diassblo?

  • Teriyaki beef jerky (from Costco)
  • A dill pickle
  • A fistful of hazelnuts
  • A glass of Cran-Grape juice
  • A handful of snap peas
  • A Tootsie Pop (cherry flavored)
  • A slice of potato bread
  • A few parsnip chips (Blecch! Won't get those again.)
  • Five or six grape tomatoes
  • A couple radishes from the garden
  • A couple Pepperoncini's from Trader Joes
  • Two or three tablespoons of pepitas

You might suspect the raw veggie roughage, but I eat that all the time. I can only speculate that there was a chemical reaction between two or more of these items. And what would cause the unbearable butt ache? I need some advice, and I'm not ready to go 'sporking' through my shit like the last time my doctor suspected poo bugs. Any ideas?



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C Everett Poop (587) -- 05.16.2007

I just recently learned what a Chupacabra is and congrats for using one in a poop story. I suspect a reaction between the peppocinis and the pickle. Good luck.

DrownedFerret (15) -- 05.16.2007

It's true that none of those items seems especially dangerous. I am concerned, however, about the teriyaki beef jerkey from Costco mixed with grape tomatoes (which sometimes get my tummy rumbling), pepperoncinis and the pepitas. Any one of those mixed with something eaten earlier in the day might give me digestion issues.

There could be another explaination. You could have stumbled on some unfortunate chemical combination that creates the terror within. Kinda like a recipe for disaster...

This was a great story! I will from now on reconsider my late night snacking choices! I hope this week is better for you!!

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 05.16.2007

I saw the problem immediately.

You're supposed to DILUTE that cran-grape stuff into 2 quarts of water, silly.

Deja Poo (606) -- 05.16.2007

I would suspect the Pepperoncini. The first few times I ate these, I got a mild burn. However, I would suggest that you attempt to reproduce the result by eating the same diet. You already know what's on the list. If you get the same result, then continue through the next few Thursdays eliminating one item from the list at a time. Sooner or later you'll figure out who the culprit is.
_______
Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 05.16.2007

Remebering what happened to me the last time I ate beef jerky is making my ass cheek twitch.

_______
What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 05.16.2007


__The Lemmiwinks reference had me rolling with laughter to begin with and then by the time I finished I was crying...from laughing so hard. Thank you for making my day better than it was._____
Producing waste since 1967

Toots N. McCrack (160) -- 05.16.2007

El Diassblo? Classic!

Isn't cured meat, hot things and fiber always a recipe for, well, diassblo?


_______
'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

daphne (3325) -- 05.17.2007

Mary, O Queen of Scats, what did the beef jerky do to you? You must share if you haven't.

I read that list and thought, "Egad, what a bad combination."

Teriyaki beef jerky usually has black pepper liberally sprinkled in it.
A dill pickle has vinegar.
Hazelnuts? Bad news! If you've got other things rumbling in your tummy, I think nuts like hazelnuts would be really hard on your butt going out. Think about this - chewed up pieces of sharp, little nut fragments. Ouch.
Cran-Grape would be a little on the acidic side.
Snap peas, especially if fresh, would be roughage.
Grape tomatoes would be roughage, also. I'm not sure if tomatoes are acidic until they are cooked, by the way. I've read alot about tomatoes because I love Italian cooking, and it seems that the acidic value skyrockets when they are cooked.
However, radishes must have done no good.
Pepperocini's and pepitas? More vinegar and spice.

Besides the one piece of bread, you have a collection of things that would irritate your bowels, all together. At once. I could see it happening.

For future reference, if your butt hurts that bad again, I'd keep a couple little vial of Extra Strength Ora-Jel around. It's a nice Benzocaine percentage, and you can slap it down there for a little relief.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Fecal Follies (167) -- 05.17.2007

Hey, never thought of using Ora-Jel at the OTHER end of the digestive tract. Sounds like a great idea, daphne!


_______
And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 05.17.2007

My 200th comment. I would seriously look into having Gulliver removed from the premises. Anything that would impede an otherwise very good dump is unacceptable in my eyes anyway. I wouldnt even name the nasty bastard because I would have a doc remove it. Just nuke that sucker.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 05.17.2007

Well, daphne...

Read the story I submitted a while back and you'll see (it was called January Second..under Poop at the Office).

Bad news...bad, bad news.

_______
What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 10.02.2007

Some bodies do this as a mechanism for over-eating, its to help prevent weight gain according to my doc. Even if you are bigger then normal like me, you'd be alot bigger if this wasn't the case

daphne (3325) -- 10.03.2007

God. Yes it was.

I am humbled.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

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