And women say that men don't have a clue what childbirth's like....

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Your Baby Ate My Dingo

All jihad is fecal.

"Fecal jihad" - I almost crapped myself laughing.

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Holy skid marks Batman!

It is not Jihad, my friends. It is Hirabah (unholy war). Constipation is Haram but Pooping is Hilal.

Even better was the line, "... with a lump of coal stuffed in my stocking..." !

Very funny. I liked the part where the elderly lady was wandering around Home Depot looking for her ride. There's probably a whole other chapter about her adventures while waiting for you!

I feel for you Spackle. I've had does butt plugs stuck in me on more then one occasion. They always seem to come around when you don't have time to sit down and really concentrate. It's so very defeating to push and push only to have a dumb little turn floating in the water. You might want to try more fiber, yogurt and water.

Your story could inspire a new song. "I Fought the Log" (and the log won).

Hopefully, you eventually got the upper hand on theat beast.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

I've never resorted to manual disimpaction - but have come close a few times. Last week at work I had a stubborn turd that refused to budge while I tried all the tactics I could think of to release the beast. I'm not a hard pusher b/c I refuse to get 'roids from pushing too hard, but I gave in and gave a big push to get the shit barge moving. I saw stars and got really dizzy and figured I'd better "cut the shit" (literally) before someone found me passed out on the floor with an immobile grogan protruding from my hole. I clenched that sucker with all my might and broke it off, the rest was "swallowed" back in (an old expression I used to use as a child that always made my mom cringe!). I returned to the shitter an hour later and let loose with loose bowels, still having no idea how it liquified on its own, but thankful to pass it along!

I liked this story - and the imagery used. "unholy perfume" - cute! and the lump of coal in the stocking is just priceless!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Spackle, how did you know your lips turned blue? Do you have a mirror in front of your toilet?

I don't think a man would know how childbirth felt until he had to pass a kidneystone the size of a marble. Yeah, that would do it.

I was OK with this story until the last paragraph. The anticlimatic ending was actually pretty funny and made the rest of it a better read.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Thanks Daphne, I was waiting with baited breath for a female to jack me down with the "you dont what childbirth is like UNTIL".......

And shitwit, this comment was funnier than the story --found me passed out on the floor with an immobile grogan protruding from my hole.
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Your Baby Ate My Dingo

Fart poopie, yes. yes I do.

I love the fact that here's a person on "heavy narcotics" who thinks it's a good idea to "drive elderly people around." I'm sure they would all feel soooooooooooo safe knowing a person who's on narcotics is behind the wheel. Uh, just wondering, don't they usually put a warning label on the pill container about that? If not, I guess common sense might substitute.

Or is this like the guy who's downed a six pack and says, "Don't be ridiculous. I'm okay to drive."?

Trust me, I wouldn't let my grandmother in a car with someone driving who's under the delusion that his reflexes are the same while taking strong pain meds. I don't know what caused Spackle's first accident, but I'd love to be the attorney for the plaintiff on the next one.

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Livin' La Vida Caca!

recto magnifico, I know that you wont beleive me and have probably made up your mind that I am a scumbag, but let me give you some info. I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take meds when I know I will be driving a client. Also, I have been on my meds for so many years that even if I did drop a dose the effect on me is akin to what a tylenol would be for you. But alas I skip doses for the exact concerns you listed above. Oh and by the way, I dont drink.

No probs, Merc! hehe.

But seriously, I actually thought about this. Since we have to dilate to ten centimeters, and that's not enough alot of the time, I thought about a guy's peepee dilating ten times the normal urethra size, with the length of the journey being offset by the fact that our pubis symphysis has to separate for the baby to exit. Therefore, a marble seemed about right. And, according to my dad, men actually have "labor pains" when passing a kidney stone. I was actually trying to be accurate!

Then again, the old lip over the back of the head thing wasn't so bad of an analogy.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

healthy 1 wrote:
Your story could inspire a new song.
"I Fought the Log" (and the log won).

LMAO! [npi]
I'll have to work on that. hmmm...

I ran to the can with clenched buns.
I fought the log, and the log won...
But when i sat down, nothing would not come.
I fought the log, and the log won...

I grunted and strained, 'till my lips turned blue.
I used my fingers, but nothing would do.
I had to pinch off, and swallow back my poo.
I fought the log, and the log won...

(Hmmm.. Sometimes it's scary, how easily lyrics about bodily functions come to me.)

Actually, Daphne, the pain caused by kidney stones typically has its onset as the stone passes into one of the ureters, not into the urethra. The urethra in both men and women is of much greater diameter and elasticity and can more easily accommodate the stone, even one of irregular or jagged shape. Passage of a stone into the ureter of a male would have no effect on the diameter of the penis. Also, kidney stones can remain within the bladder for long periods of time without causing problems. It's mainly during their recalcitrant travel within the ureter that pain and bleeding are seen. (A jagged stone can, though, cause tearing or discomfort within the urethra, but diameter alone does not cause those "labor pains" you speak of.)

I once saw a woman black out and drop to the floor, as if she'd been shot, from the intense, sudden pain of a kidney stone passing. (This was the diagnosis of the emergency room physician who read her x-rays.) It's not just men who get to experience this pain. I don't think even the prior experience of childbirth can prepare someone for the unique and unexpected agony of a kidney stone.

Drink lots of fluids, people. It's the number one preventive measure against stones. Funny, drinking lots of fluids is good advice for preventing lots of health problems, now that I think of it.

Well Yuri, according to my dad, the kidney stone he passed hurt HIS peepee plenty.

Nice post though. Very imformative! I gave you a brownie point for it.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

"fecal jihad" made me laugh so hard. I thank the good Lord I have never had to actually dig shit out of my ass. I hope I never will. God help those of you who do...

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

My sympathies to those who give birth, but the ureter (male or female), unlike the vagina, was not made to pass solid objects.

Another random observation: Why do so many poop disasters seem to take place at Home Depot?

Spackle, I enjoyed your story, but I will have to echo Recto's point, above. Regardless of the "effect" narcotics have on you, you're still driving around with a clinically (and doubtless legally) significant dose of them in your blood. If there's an accident, even if it is not your fault, your blood/urine can be tested and you will be charged with DUI. Sorry to be the turd in the punchbowl, but I sure hope your insurance covers punitive damages!

"...Another random observation: Why do so many poop disasters seem to take place at Home Depot?..."

Because the place is HUGE, it takes FOREVER to find what you need because there's NOBODY to help you, and it's DARK, so you get LOST, and you have to DODGE all those forklifts, and the BIRDS in the rafters are bombing you, etc...

Shit waiting to happen!

Dumpster, While I understand and respect your opinion, let me give you some more info. While I will not reveal what meds I am on I will tell you this. There have been major studies done in both the U.S.( including a federal govt. study) and Europe regarding the driving ability of people on my particular medication. The conclusion has always been that there is no difference in reaction time, peripheral vision etc. from that of a normal drug free individual. Interesting, no? Believe me I would love to quit driving and find a "regular" good job but alas Wal-mart is the biggest employer around and we all know how great that job is. One has to eat. So much for that roaring economy I keep hearing about.

The question isn't medical studies, but whether the drug you're taking is a scheduled substance in the jurisdiction where you are driving. If it is, and it is found in your blood, you will get a DUI.

I simply said what I did because you wrote that you are on "heavy narcotics." I don't know of any prescription narcotics that aren't scheduled such that you aren't supposed to be driving with them in your system.

But if not, more power to you!

Come on Spackle, give us a hint. I'm dying to hear the name of a "heavy narcotic" that has been shown not to impair reaction time, peripheral vision, ability to drive, reflexes, etc. What's the problem with revealing the name of these "heavy narcotics"?

Sorry, but this story continues to lose credibility. I'm amazed that anyone who's been on "heavy narcotics" for "years" is able to just kick the habit when it's time to drive granny to the local Home Depot. No big deal, right? "Don't sweat it, grandma, I'll just suffer some agonizing pain for the day while I drive you around. No chance that being racked with pain will affect my ability to concentrate in traffic. You're in good hands with me driving. Of course, when I space out and spend a half hour in the shitter at Home Depot and you're left to your own devices, someone will make sure you're okay."

Either you're doped up and driving or you're in withdrawal and you're driving. If the pain is so bad that you've been on "heavy narcotics" for a long time, I'm amazed if you claim to be able to just quit them for the times you're going to be driving, without any ill effects. Give me a break, Spackle. Either you need these "heavy narcotics" or you don't. Pain doesn't take a vacation when it's chronic, and if you can take a day or two off from the meds, something tells me you're not really needing them physically. Begins to sound more like a dependency issue.

And, no, Spackle, it doesn't mean I think you're a "scumbag". It means I think you either bulked up the story with the narcotics angle to give a basis to your constipation, or you're actually someone who has a chemical dependency and needs to confront it. Doesn't make you a bad person by any means.

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Livin' La Vida Caca!

I know someone with chronic pain. It's dehabilitating and depressing. Her entire life revolves around the pain and a constant fight to combat it. It must be frightening as hell to combat possible addiction day in and day out.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Dumpster, Thanks for the info. If true its definatley worrisome.
Daphne, My heart goes out to your freind. I can relate.
Recto, You make a lot of assumptions in your acid dripping comments. You are not my doctor and are not familiar with me or my case or the metabolic breakdown of said medications. If you want to believe I am a junkie in denial then go ahead, I am done. I dont know you and really dont want to. I came to this website to add some fun to my life and thats what I intend to do.

I was kind of enjoying Recto's comments up to a point, but it seems like his Lithium has worn off, or something.

Spackle, unless you're on here to become a professional flamer, you'll have a lot more fun if you just ignore people who are trying to get your goat.

Dumpster, Thanks for the tip. This is the first time I have ever posted on a site. I dont even know what a flamer is? But I am begining to get the picture.

Spackle, according to Wikipedia, "Flaming is the act of sending or posting messages that are deliberately hostile and insulting, usually in the social context of a discussion board on the Internet. See C. Everett Poop; SamDamnit, et. al."

May I suggest you look around on some of the other threads, and just start reading things that are interesting to you. Click on the names of any of the top users on the sidebar, go to their stories page, and that is a good place to start. I particularly recommend stories by TBW, Logjam, and that old rascal, Dumpster.

Feel free to post your own comments to these stories, and as long as what you have to say is appropriate, don't worry about it if others disagree with you, especially the flamers and trolls.

You will find that most of the people on this site, including almost all of the regulars, are thoroughly entertaining people.

May I also encourage you to visit the PoopReport Forums, where you will find another whole wealth of entertaining stuff.

Happy PoopReporting, and it is wonderful to find somebody who knows even less about the Internet than I do!

Spackle, the next time you’re all backed up & in HomeDepot take a page from that old TV show MacGyver.

4'of rubber hose
1-Toilet plunger
1-Roll duct tape
12 Inch length of 5" PVC pipe.
1- 5" to 1" PVC adapter.

Tape the plunger to the PVC, the adapter to the PVC & the hose to the small end of the adaptor.

Spit on the other end of the hose, stick it up your chute & plunge like you would a toilet.

Oh and when you’re all finished you should be courteous and use the self-checkout lane when paying for everything!

A moment for an acidic digression:

Fuck self-check-out.

If Mal*Wart want me to use those annoying damned things, so they can cut costs by eliminating some more jobs, they can bloody well give me a discount for it! And it'd better be a good stiff one, for my trouble, and for raping the local economy by undercutting the local stores, untill they fold (after which their prices come up, of course).

Fuck self-check-out. And fuck Wal*Mart.

(Their shitters are too shallow, too, in the one here. I have to be very careful to keep my sensitive bits from touching the cold septic porcelain.)
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Happy crapping! (_o_)

(Ok, i know this was not about Wal*Mart, but that's where i'm exposed to self-sell-out lanes.)

For Christ sake, man! I've looked a couple of times and I hope you used toilet paper when you jammed your finger in there. *shudders*

I hate Klingons! I'd hate to have to walk around with one in my asscrack all day. Talk about the ultimate million wiper! Kudos to you for surviving your day!

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

Hello, i found this while looking for a reason as to why i would pass out/blackout while on the toilet and noticed the comments of recto magnifico. It is my humble (and since im an "anonymous coward" a non-legitimate ) opinion that some people post comments to merely complain and point out the faults in others. such a hateful little stinker...excuse the poop pun.

Deja Poo, thanks for the definitions. I'll have to remember these.

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Anonymous Coward -- 08.24.2007 -- "
Hello, i found this while looking for a reason as to why i would pass out/blackout while on the toilet..."

Okay, stop RIGHT there. WHY would you be "looking" for a reason, and not asking your Primary Care Physician?!?

If I blacked out while crapping out, I'd be standing on my doctor's desk, demanding answers.

If I blacked out while crapping, I'd be laying on a gurney in the E/R wondering "Why won't anyone look me in the eyes?"

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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I am still giggling at "fecal jihad" Too funny...
Producing waste since 1967

Actually a little bit after this incident i checked with my doctor and found out my blood pressure was on the high side..also had to see my dentist since i smacked my front teeth on the wooden table in front of the toilet. Never knew that could happen! First time i ever passed out making a mud monkey.