The Peril Of The Red Meat Diet
A number of years ago, I began experimenting with an all-red meat diet. For about two months, I ate nothing but hamburgers, chili, and the occasional sloppy joe. (All homemade, by the way.)
At first I noticed that things were getting constipated, but I didn't think anything of it. But then, one day, it was completely blocked up. I went to the toilet, had to let loose, but I just physically could not do it. I was freaking out because this never happened to me before. So I took my woes to the Internet.
Somebody suggested taking a laxative. I rushed over to the pharmacy. They had a selection of laxatives. I figured this was an emergency, so I went with the "extra strength" variety. Went home, took a couple pills, and took a nap. Went back to the toilet. Nothing. So I took another couple pills, as per the box's instructions to do so after a number of hours passed.
Back to the Internet, played some games, had a good time, blissfully unaware of what was happening stool-wise.
Tried the toilet again. Another epic struggle, but this time, after about half an hour of pushing, I was victorious. I looked down and a twelve-inch bone-dry log greeted me. And that's a legitimate twelve inches -- if anything, I'm underestimating the size.
So I was glad that was done. I flushed (fortunately, it went down) and went back to the computer.
Twenty minutes later, I have an urgent need to return to the toilet. I run over and let out a massive diarrhea dump. It just keeps coming. I flush and it doesn't go down. Completely full of shit. I don't have a plunger, so I'm panicking.
I get in my car again and go to the local hardware store. I sheepishly ask the elderly proprietor if he stocks any plungers. He just gives me a strange look and points to his stock. Then he goes back to his conversation with some other old man who was there. Very Mayberryish, I think. I purchase one and drive back home.
This was a very basic plunger. Doesn't have that ball. But it's all he had.
I get home, try to unclog the toilet, but nothing doing. I just made it worse, actually.
I'm fruitlessly plunging away for about thirty minutes when I again feel the call of nature. But I can't shit in a toilet already clogged with ridiculous amounts of shit. It's so bad that I cant even call a plumber because... well, I just don't think the average plumber has ever seen anything like this.
So I'm freaking out for about the tenth time this day. I consider taking a shit in the shower instead. I figure that since its diarrhea, it should go down the drain. But then I worry that both the toilet and the shower will end up clogged. Then what will the plumber think?
So I take another massive dump in this already ridiculously-clogged shit-filled toilet. After three hours of frantic plunging (and poking with the other end of the plunger), it finally went down. My poo returned to normal after that, and I decided to end this all-red meat diet. Fruit, vegetables, and Raisin Bran all entered my daily intake.