The Peril Of The Red Meat Diet

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A number of years ago, I began experimenting with an all-red meat diet. For about two months, I ate nothing but hamburgers, chili, and the occasional sloppy joe. (All homemade, by the way.)

At first I noticed that things were getting constipated, but I didn't think anything of it. But then, one day, it was completely blocked up. I went to the toilet, had to let loose, but I just physically could not do it. I was freaking out because this never happened to me before. So I took my woes to the Internet.

Somebody suggested taking a laxative. I rushed over to the pharmacy. They had a selection of laxatives. I figured this was an emergency, so I went with the "extra strength" variety. Went home, took a couple pills, and took a nap. Went back to the toilet. Nothing. So I took another couple pills, as per the box's instructions to do so after a number of hours passed.

Back to the Internet, played some games, had a good time, blissfully unaware of what was happening stool-wise.

Tried the toilet again. Another epic struggle, but this time, after about half an hour of pushing, I was victorious. I looked down and a twelve-inch bone-dry log greeted me. And that's a legitimate twelve inches -- if anything, I'm underestimating the size.

So I was glad that was done. I flushed (fortunately, it went down) and went back to the computer.

Twenty minutes later, I have an urgent need to return to the toilet. I run over and let out a massive diarrhea dump. It just keeps coming. I flush and it doesn't go down. Completely full of shit. I don't have a plunger, so I'm panicking.

I get in my car again and go to the local hardware store. I sheepishly ask the elderly proprietor if he stocks any plungers. He just gives me a strange look and points to his stock. Then he goes back to his conversation with some other old man who was there. Very Mayberryish, I think. I purchase one and drive back home.

This was a very basic plunger. Doesn't have that ball. But it's all he had.

I get home, try to unclog the toilet, but nothing doing. I just made it worse, actually.

I'm fruitlessly plunging away for about thirty minutes when I again feel the call of nature. But I can't shit in a toilet already clogged with ridiculous amounts of shit. It's so bad that I cant even call a plumber because... well, I just don't think the average plumber has ever seen anything like this.

So I'm freaking out for about the tenth time this day. I consider taking a shit in the shower instead. I figure that since its diarrhea, it should go down the drain. But then I worry that both the toilet and the shower will end up clogged. Then what will the plumber think?

So I take another massive dump in this already ridiculously-clogged shit-filled toilet. After three hours of frantic plunging (and poking with the other end of the plunger), it finally went down. My poo returned to normal after that, and I decided to end this all-red meat diet. Fruit, vegetables, and Raisin Bran all entered my daily intake.

30 Comments on "The Peril Of The Red Meat Diet"

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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Sounds like you supersized that toilet deposit !

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Very funny, Legin - that was a real action packed day. Have you tried any other weird diets since?

The voice of sanity

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Reminds me of what happened when I drank a whole bottle of prune juice on a dare. Boy, did I EVER pay for that one!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Legin......I experimented with the Atkins Diet a few years back and ate mostly meat for a few weeks. Never entered ketosis, which was the object of the diet, because I turned out to be insulin resistant. I never suffered from constipation but stayed rather regular. However, my BMs became rock hard asshole stretchers. I saved a bit on toilet paper because it only required a small piece to blot the blood from my aching hiney.


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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

plop cop's picture
l 100+ points
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Legin, your diet sounds a lot like an Atkins diet. I did it once to lose weight and had much the same experience. Lost a ton o weight at first, ate all the meat I wanted, when I wanted. Then, a week into my newfound wonder diet, I noticed a "fullness" in my lower abdomen I'd never in my life experienced. I made sure I was hydrated, made sure I had my morning cup of coffee, which since Navy Boot Camp had ALWAYS ensured my turd anchor'd aweigh in a timely fashion. Got to where I was just plain ole in pain. Took the milk of amnesia, nothin. Took the ex-lax, nuthin. Then, in desparation, I tried the silver bullet. For me, a full grow'd man, to intentionally stick something in my Hershey Highway, now that was traumatic. The instructions said give it 15 minutes and stand by to stand by...... Mount Shitsuvius erupted at about minute 6 and praise to the porcelain god, I made it to the altar of the pooniverse before she blew. Just like you, I launched a great and mighty rain forest like mastadon of a log for an introductory salvo. No wiping necessary after the initial skirmish, much to my surprise. Also just like you, the aftershock was made up of everything on the menu in little pea sized turdlets, well surrounded by much chocolate juiclike afterbirth fluid. I hadn't thought about that shat until I read your story, which instigated this little flashback. Now the flashback from the aftershock coated the bowl pretty good and I had to scrub the seat, bowl, everything pretty good. To tell the truth, the relief of getting my chute clear was worth it. Thanks for the flashback; I think....
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Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points
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_______Big Day Here! I also recently (1 year) started eating meat again after 20 years and have had some similar experiences. I used to be able to count on a blue ribbon winner every time I hit the bowl but when I went on a largely meat diet all that changed. I went from perfect firm giants twice a day to extremely sticky mudslides every other day.

______I did lose alot of weight and had TONS of energy. I needed the protein for all the weight lifting and running I was doing. Then a few months into going from 237lbs down to 193lbs I noticed a sudden and dramatic drop in my energy level and a mysterious pain in my upper right chest...I feared I was having heart or lung trouble. I finally got the nerve and money to go see a Doctor who performed an EKG, Blood test and Chest X Ray...all came back perfect..."You should feel healthy as a horse" he said. My bad cholesterol was just barely above normal but nothing to cause what I was experiencing.

He concluded that I was depressed and recommended antidepressants which I of course immediately turned down, I knew something was wrong inside. After searching the Internet for diseases with my symptoms, (there are thousands) my girlfriend said her dad had similar symptoms and it turned out to be gall bladder trouble. I went to some sites and within minutes it was like listening to someone tell my story. I went to you tube and discovered a recipe for a liver gall bladder flush and immediately started the 5 day apple juice fast that leads up to drinking 1/2 cup olive oil mixed with 1/2 cup grapefruit juice, followed by Epsom Salt.

_______So today was the big day to see if my gall bladder liver flush worked...and as of 10 minutes ago, it is! And again about 10 minutes later, then another burst about 5 minutes after that! Each time I had about 30 - 40 green pea size (and color) stones...not rock hard but soft and mashable. I have had to stop typing three times just to let the bastards! HOoRaY!! I hope this solves my problem...Whoa gotta go again... out
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Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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A third of a century ago I went on a diet where my lunch, and only my lunch, was all meat. My wife had called me "Fats," and that's all it took. One all-meat meal a day helped me go gradually down from maybe 215 to about 180 over the course of a summer; I don't remember any major bowel differences. In those days I had large, thick, firm turds, and I think those just continued, because I didn't change my other meals much.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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always ALWAYS keep a plunger next to the can! But of course when you dont have one, is when you need it the most.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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I dont own a plunger.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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sittingpretty...you need to learn the anal "turd biting' technique. If your ass learns to bite the shit into chunks you will never need a plunger. The technique is called "dung-fu."


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Ahh, Dung fu. Yes. That's it! That is what my ass is doing. I either blow mud or milk duds. I haven't seen any ropes in years. I never delivered a terd in my life. Boulders, rocks, pebbles but no logs.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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If one more person asks me why I'm against the Atkins diet, I'll send them a copy of this story. Thanks for suffering through the red meat diet so I could laugh my ass off!

I recently discovered the best way to stop the constipation and bring on an ass-plosion is to eat diarrhea salad:

1 serving spring mix
1 handful green grapes
1 handful red grapes
1 avocado, sliced
1 handful broccoli sprouts
1 tablespoon pine nuts
1 tablespoon raw almonds (if you can find them)
lemon juice to taste
1 teaspoon flax seed
1 teaspoon chia seed

It'll get the ass going and you'll end up with green, chunky poop. Snap a picture and send it to someone you hate.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points
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There's a song in here somewhere:

Everybody was Dung Fu fighting!
Those turds weren't fast as lightning.
In fact, it was stuck-in-butt frightning!

Wo wowo woahhh!
Wo wowo woahhhhhh.


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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Good one BL.>
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poop is Fun's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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that my friend, is one crazy poop story, the best i've read so far. :D

Legin's picture
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Thanks for posting my story. No, I havent really tried any other diets. The Atkins diet didnt occur to me, but I guess its similar. I wasnt trying to lose weight and I dont think I did lose any. Well, after those laxatives I probably lost weight but not from the meat.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Use Epsom Salt. The best laxative ever. I tried it and didn't leave the bathroom for about 24 hours.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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This is so disgustingly vile. How can anyone see humor in this?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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We let you post, didn't we, AC? That should show you our sense of humor. Now we get to laugh at you.


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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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(pointing at AC) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (breath)HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous Coward's picture
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LOL, I can't believe this site exists. Much less that somebody else would post about what I'm experiencing right this second, and then that people would respond with similar stories and how they handled it. I'm in the same boat, and I'm starting to get a little worried. It's been like 3 days since I passed a worthy shit. I tried the laxative powder in a drink last night before bed. I took a weak shit when I got up, but I think it was just the top of the volcano because I still have stomach cramps and feel like I have to shit. I've got about 3 days worth of ham, chicken, mashed potatoes, rice, beans, enchiladas, and tacos backed up on the exit ramp. I'm going to head to the store and try the silver bullet like somebody above suggested, this should be interesting. Somebody suggested a Fleet Enema to me but that sounds like a terrible experience.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Watch the stupid meat eater-tigers and lions poops and compare it with cow dung

Anal Fissureman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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You even had to use the stick end. Strong work, my friend.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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A few sacks of white castles and a six pack of beer would solve this kind of problem

Low carb diet's picture
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Great article, i have never read like this.. Thanks

Anonymous shiter's picture
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I had a situation like this for a week on spring break I ate whataburger 3-4 times a day finnaly yesterday my bowls cleared them selves and still haven't stoped I have to go 4 times a day almost cloging the toilet every time the only reason it doesn't Is becous I have one of those super flush toilets

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Whataburger is God's gift to fast food...the creme-de-la-creme. I'd eat there everyday if I could, but sadly, the closest is 50 miles away. They don't skimp on the veggies on their burgers either, I get all four food groups in one sandwich, you know, meat, cheese, green stuff and bacon. Oh yeah, there's a bun in there somewhere too, but its of no consequence.
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"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Cleansing without bullets's picture
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I need advice - want to go on a healthy diet that would completely cleanese my plumbing without having any intrusive procedures and without going to the extreme of drinking nothing but juice and olive oil for a week.

I had tried a vegetables only diet (no carbs, no meat) but that actually MADE me accumulate more in my system - 5 days without pooping later, I went to see a doctor who told me that no carbs = no water retention = not enough water to poop. I drink loads of water, but it just comes straight out as pee, still no poop. Lo and behold, 1 more day of vegetables with meat and carbs later, out it came, in massive quantities, rock hard, very painful (well it was 6 days of food).

Has this happened to anyone before? To cleanse the system and to lose weight I really ought to cut down on carbs, but no carbs, no poop!

Otto von Skidmark's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Great story, Legin ... must have been that twelve-incher that came back to bite you. I've had one wedged in my office toilet for weeks now. Can't use it, can't shift it, too embarrassed to call the plumber. Luckily I work just down the road from my house, so I can easily go home for a dump.

Chief, Cleansing, et al ... a lot of people misunderstand Atkins. It is most emphatically not a high-meat diet. Nor is it zero-carb. It's just low-carbohydrate. That means you have to bulk out your food with a lot of VEGETABLES (not starchy ones) and FAT. Your meat intake is likely to increase somewhat, but it shouldn't be ALL meat - that's likely to put you in the emergency room. Atkins takes great pains to spell out in his book that you shouldn't try to 'improve' the diet by (for example) cutting out fat. I've used Atkins very successfully, and apart from feeling a bit fragile during the first week, didn't have any problems; for the first time in my entire life, I had a six-pack (ok, more like a four-pack, but that's still an improvement). Give it another try.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Otto, Here is a link to an article published by the arctic explorer Dr. Vilhjalmur Stefansson many years ago. Vilhjalmur, like the natives he was studying, lived off a diet primarily of meat and fish for many years and maintained robust good health.

http://www.biblelife.org/stefansson1.htm

And here is a link to an article that discusses some of the eating habits of North America's original inhabitants who led surprisingly healthy lives on a diet of mostly meat, preferably fat meat.

http://livingprepared.blogspot.com/2009/12/guts-and-grease-diet-of-native.html

It is interesting to note that in some cases fully 80% of the calories consumed by northern Native Americans were from animal fat.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!