Prefer the "scrape" method myself - a sheet of No. 8 gauge sandpaper pulled swiftly from behind and across my nutsack. Clears the site of crap and leaves everything glowing.

The "pinch" method works best if you put the tp in the jaws of a good pair of vice grips. Saves your hands too.

Hmmmmm I dont know the way I shit I dont think this would help me but it still may help others.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I'll use the pinch method if I can dookie-paste the results right between Sheryl Crow's eyes.

I go with the pinch method if I feel a bit of a cling-on dangling down there.

What the hell does your butt hole look like if you can 'pinch' it?!

Animal, have you actually tried this, or are you hoping we'll test it out and report back? I'm asking because I just tried to balance one sheet on my thumb and one on my index finger, while holding them apart. Couldn't do it. And this is even before trying to then rotate my wrist around to get into position. I went down the hall of my office building, and no one else could do it either, but it did strike us as a great party game.

But who knows? Maybe when I was 27 I coulda done it. Keep the ideas coming.

Logjam, lick the fingers first. It'll hold better.

I prefer the street sweeper method... you rotate the paper the opposite direction of travel, so you don't spread cling-ons.

doggy -- I actually considered that. And while it would help me win the party game, it wouldn't be the thing to do in the real-life application. You gotta be worried here about break-through, and a big wet spot on each pressure point would nearly guarantee it. And if you're willing to allow direct contact, then go ahead and pinch with actual fingers and use (yes) a single sheet to clean them off. (Or, you could just hand them, like frosting-covered beaters, to CEP to lick clean.)

animal said it probably couldn't be done with one square, he said it could help reduce the amount of paper you use. only on poopreport would someone think that this should be an office game. i want to work in that office.

Hey, I tried it and it can be done. Used one square and it work3jd8i37d`lk2`doied (sorry, my hand just slipped off the key board)

The left or the right?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The right. I had a donut in the left one.

That feels kinda nice, what other party tricks can you share with us?

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Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

I use a wire brush

I am 44 years old and have been wiping in basically the same fashion for as long as I can remember.

Sorry, I'm too old and set in my ways to change now.

I'm willing to try anything once, but I'm skeptical this will work

By the way, log flume, if you don't have a wire brush handy, another family member's toothbrush will do nicely

Mr.Postman please. Do you know how many germs exist on the average toothbrush? You don't want that thing any coming any where near your bum.

I'll give this a try. I'll try anything once. Maybe I'll do it in a strange new place like in "Die Hard" (the first one) when "you make fists with your toes" to feel better after a long trip or what have you.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I have used a "pinch" method many times before, or something similar (especially when the loaf sticks to the pan). I take more than 1 sheet (I don't need any moisture breaking through) and use my right hand's middle finger and thumb. It has worked nicely.
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Unless trees decide to stop growing and there is a major shortage of TP, I don't see a problem in wrapping the paper around my hand a few times and wipe wipe wipe.

Pinching just seems gross and unsanitary. If the poo was to soak the paper or the paper moves its gonna get on your hands, and for what? Cause some tree hugger celeb says we need to conserve an abundant renewable resource?

Well, thanks alot....I got the ASPCA all over my ass because I tried this method...the cat howled so much the neighbors called the authorities.
Thanks alot, Animal. I won't even go into the bloody my ass has been turned into...looks like fucking hamburger.

Bilge, You didn't see the "not recommended for use with cats" disclaimer? You really need to adopt my "handful of fuzzy caterpillars" method. The ASPCA doesn't give a rats ass about them.

And phatmanxxl, don't worry about those tree huggers. Just go thru them with the chain saw. It wont dull the chain.

Silly Bilgey. Go to any animal shelter and stock up on pre-euthanized critters. They're much more cooperative once they've changed their life status and they do alot less damaging to the bung.

And, if you wipe YOUR butt with a live critter, it's going to die anyway. So why not give a dead cat a good home?

BTW, I only recommend the frozen dead cats if your hemorrhoids are flaring up or you've been into the habaneros. Otherwise, fresh are so much more comfortable, although you'll have to stock up more often.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

What the hell? I got bilged by logjam and then he got a "great comment" for doing it????

The pinch method, imho, inevitably leads to a messy, prolonged wipe. Better if one can pinch it off by clenching the buttcheeks.

Now, "scoop AND pinch," also sometimes referred to as "dig and pinch" - that's a whole different ball game.

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A student of all things stinky, I endeavor to document all that which is foul and smarmy.
http://unclestinky.wordpress.com

CEP wrote" What the hell? I got bilged by logjam and then he got a "great comment" for doing it????"

That was outrageous. And I know just how you feel. Those were close to my very words when the country rewarded Bush with a second term.

So it makes you feel like an outsider when more people vote for a real man and leader than a phony gigolo with a faked war record? Figures. Just be glad Bunga didn't ban you.

Hey guys, lets keep on a more pleasant subject, like shit.

It's a deal.

It being Saturday, I spent some extra time in the upstairs bathroom experimenting with the technique. I solved the balancing-act problem by pressing the two sheets with thumb and index finger against my back, and from there sliding them carefully down into the war zone.

And here the problem quickly became apparent. Animal must be blessed, because he obviously has no idea of what a real war zone is like. When a bomb goes off, very little of the debris is at ground zero. So coming in with the two little sheets and the idea of executing a pinch was like arriving at a blown-up Baghdad marketplace with a single stretcher and a pocket first-aid kit.

Maybe in your case the pinch should be a grab.

You should probably try to perfect the pinch with 10 or so squares, and then reduce the number once you're good at it.

Maybe use the wife's loofa sponge as sort of training wheels.

OK PD. I wasn't going to try it, but now after your suggestion I might give it a go. The loofa's a bit stiff, so I'm going to use her stupid little body-wash puff. Training wheels it is.

animal says "You probably won't be able to pull this off with one square" and yet all you guys trying to use one square, flirting with a disaster of ass proportions.

You risktakers.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

God, I feel so dumb. I misread the instructions as putting one piece of paper on your thumb and another on your finger. Rereading, I now see that I put the two pieces together and hold them BETWEEN the thumb and index finger. Well that I can do. Anyway, it's back up the stairs with my ass. (An illustration would have helped.)

I thought I would try a new approach. I asked Mrs. PD if she would do it to me while I watched in the mirror to learn the technique. She hit me so hard that the shit actually dislodged off my ass and went into the toilet. There you go...zero squares.

Sometimes I use what could be called a pinch method while wiping, but I would never dream of trying it with one square of toilet paper. My poop is rather soft because of my requirement to drink lots of water, so sometimes it feels like a turdlet is still hanging on. I try shaking myself back and forth, and often a little pleeper drops off. Then, if it still feels like something is hanging, I try squeezing my anus to see if more drops; sometimes it does. After that, if it still feels like a piece is hanging, I go after it with four sheets folded into a square, holding the square between thumb and middle finger, zooming in under ground zero, and pouncing up with my thumb toward my back and my middle finger on the downward side. Then I pinch the fingers together, trying to get the maximum poop on the paper between them. It works reasonably well, but I prefer not having to wipe that way.

a "pleeper" a new breed of poop...evolution, baby, you can't stop it.

If evolution ever brings us arms with 7 joints, we can use this method. Sheryl needs to eat some crow.

I'm still trying to figure out how you pinch your asshole. I tried it and got shit all over my fingers.

Picture this, you are in the warm Carribean wading through crystal clear water. You spot a small starfish on the bottom, and you want to bring it back to the mrs. You swoop in quickly, and gently pinch it and pluck at the same time. You then take your prize and run on to the beach to show everybody.

Lol you people are so funny for even trying this little stunt.

You desreve poop on your fingers.

I think I'll pass on the pinch method...sounds like a recipe for stinkfinger (have the fingernail brush ready). I'll stick with bunching.

Thats it. Kill a few more trees will ya. I hear the chain saws now.

The pinch method is a good way to fix something that ain't broke.

i only wipe half my ass on Mondays.

That was a half ass comment.

Whoa there, pd! I'm very judicious in my bunching. I can make a useful wipewad with 5 or 6 squares, and by bunching them I don't have to worry about fouling my fingers.

Ok, happy wiping. Just be careful, sometimes bits of bone from those damn tree huggers wind up in the paper. Can hurt a bit.

I only pinch when crap gets stuck in my buthole's hair. Then I go with the scraping method...

I also found that baby's odorless wetones do very nicely (and you only need one...). Except that unless you re-wipe with dry paper, you end up with a wet buthole. in your undies (clean but wet...).

And I don't know how eco-friendly wetones are...

i like to wipe twice with normal amount of paper, then on the third time, i use a bit of water, like 5 drops on the paper, to wipe with, then a last wipe with dry leaves my anus smell-free and fresh

Maybe this has been covered before, but I do kind of the "level-off, cup, and dump" method. I swipe a wad of TP across my (hairless) bung like running a butter knife over a cup of flour to even it up, cup in the TP whatever stalactites, and make a quick drop. Sometimes, I admit to surveying the wipe for signs of carnage, if I can't feel any cling-ons. Am I the only weirdo that spits on the TP and wipes off any stragglers the dry-run won't cover?

If Sheryl Crow and her single square are being truthful then her ginch must smell like a homeless man in Louisiana in august.

Pinching is only valuable in the case of a hanging dumpling. One square is MADNESS if you're in that shituation.

Oh damn, I think I screwed this up. This is to clean up? I though I was pinching my bunghole for fun.

1 or 2 squares? "NO FRIGGIN" WAY! HELL NO! Aint happenin', no way. no how!
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Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

Howley, the last time I tried to pinch the mrs's bunghole for fun, I needed multiple squares. The nosebleed was pretty bad.
Go ahead and use as many squares as you want. I'll cut down some more trees for ya.

Yeah PD! I'm goin' for a whole roll of Brawny! Thanks.
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Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

Unfortunately, the pinch method is a secondary motion for me. I have to use upwards leverage first to raise the pile away from my blood orange of a bulls-eye; only then can the pinch and slide gracefully away motion, like Jayne Torville on ice, come into its own.

Note to third shift: Increase Brawny production. Load a couple extra pallets on the HK delivery truck.

balance the paper on the inside of ur right index finger and thumb not the top of them the sides basicly make a bkwrds c shape with the index and thumb of your right hand like ur holding a mug the pinch with the sides of ur fingers im not really wiping lately because its har and pebble no need to wipe

Uh...I'm sorry, in spite of a degree in American Literature, and a 2 year degree in Journalism, I have no clue what you are saying.

I think he's an ass wiping savant.

_tooooo right, I also have a shit degree, but that was hole'y uninterpertabtle ______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

To the people who say using the pinch method spares your hands being fouled-

I hope you still wash your hands afterwards? Just because you use TP or a better method doesn't mean nothing gets on your hands.(bacteries do)

Bacteries not included, I guess.

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Born right the first time.

For what its worth, I use a sort of variant of the pinch method, where I wind about 6 or so sheets of date roll around my hand, then pass it down from the front. Using the middle finger to secure it to the rearmost part of the balloon knot, I then use the thumb to perform the wiping motion.
This usually clears up the area, but if I'm not convinced, I find that I can fold the soiled paper in half, one-handed, and Voila! I now have a fresh wad which is half as wide, but twice as thick, to have a second go with!
This time, I reverse the roles of thumb and middle finger (i.e. thumb becomes pivot-point).
Is this being environmentally responsible, or what!

Too damn complicated for us average Americans there BM. Could you get us the directions (poorly translated from Chinese) and include animated pictures. We should be able to have a go at it then.

What the hell did I write? It made perfect sense to me at the time, but it reads like shit (no pun intended). No wonder it looks 'too damned complicated', PD.
I don't know whether to blame the scotch'n'Coke or the medication I've been on.
Sorry.
I'll have to re-think it ...

That's okay, BM. I could archive several weird posts I made while high on valium. Of course, I can also recall several weird posts I made while completely sober, so don't mind me.

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Born right the first time.

Pinch=handful of shit

I've found that the brand or type of toilet paper makes a difference in how successful the pinch method is. With the Scott's we use at home, it is moderately successful, though I don't like it and have used it only to try it for this forum. With the paper at school it is a dismal failure, with severe breakthrough. That paper is thinner (I can see through it) and doesn't stand up at all to my rather moist and sticky poop. Back to my regular method.

This "pinch" method sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! One of the reasons I get toilet paper from a large warehouse outlet is that I never have to worry about TP insecurity. Always plenty for whatever texture end product I happen to cut loose. I will agree with you though on one point, the wipe/smear technique leaves a lot to be desired, especially if you have a hairy butt crack. Little rolled up shreds of TP tangled in butt hairs is not a good way to go through life. A wet paper towel, strategically applied or the post-Good Morning Poop shower takes care of this troublesome predicament.
----Captain Craptastic!!!

You all have a strange way of spending your time.

its called shit and get off the pot. not plan a life around the thing and whats in it.

I hate that I even have to take time to shit when there are lots of other things to do besides takin a dump.

This type of talk I remember from elementary school. Then other cool things came into play in life. like... life.

Hope i dont meet any of you and have to shake anyones hand. ill never know.

You're right on Igo -- there are "lots of other things to do besides takin a dump." You can think about it beforehand, look at it afterwards, pick it up and chase people with it (I just learned about that one), flush it, call in friends to look at it. There are even people who eat it. On this site, you can write about and celebrate it.

So don't be so unidimensional in your approach to life. Explore it all because you've only got one shot at it and then, bang, it's off the pot with you.

Igo... Consider this-
If you don't shit, you will surely shorten your life.
Drastically.
I dig being alive- it allows me to do lots of fun stuff, therefore, to prolong my life, I eat, and hence, I shit.
(and I always wash my hands afterwards).

LJ, if you are going to pick one "hot off the grill" and chase someone around with it, take some advice. Don't forget to remove your pants completely. Around the ankles is a nono. I speak from experience.

Holy hand-weapons, pd!
I can't imagine the circumstances preceding, but the mental picture is of a bloke running around the back yard with a fresh Stanley in his outstretched hand, trying not to trip over the trousers flapping around his ankles as he chases some poor bugger (for reasons unknown).
Eeeww!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never said it was pretty.

Wiping is generally not a good way to cleanse the old starfish. Pinching sounds even worse. I have combined two methods into one that I call the ThunderButt brush. After dumping give one good wipe with TP then waddle to the sink for the finishing brushing.
Use a soft bristled tooth brush with warm water and liquid soap. Gently scrub your pucker then finish with a washcloth dampened with warm water.

Do not use the same brush that you are currently using on your teeth. You may use the tooth brush of an unwanted house guest. I have a rotation system.
My dentist gives me a new brush every 6 months, my old brush then becomes my asshole brush. The wash cloth is used for that purpose only and is not allowed near my face. I have an old and wrinkled, but clean and comfortable anus.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I have an old and wrinkled, but clean and comfortable face.

Mt asshole is probably more attractive than my face. I have a grey beard which usually contains flecks of food from sloppy eating. My asshole, conversely, is usually as clean as a cat's that has been freshly licked, pink and glowing.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

i prefer the poop wiggle.

I have always used the pinch way of wipeing myself. It makes your butthole cleaner

Reading the postings about all of these techniques, one thing seems obvious: the cornhole remains a mystery, out of sight. If anyone is serious about perfecting a technique, clearly it requires mirrors and proper lighting. This way, the anus can be closely observed during defecation (of all varieties) and wiping. I think you'll agree that there is a lot to learn. I would recommend a small mirror on a metal rod (like a larger version of a dentist's mirror for your mouth).

To get mine clean(if baby wipes are not available) I'll use one of those premoistened hand wipes, then some dry toilet paper. Gets the job done everytime.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!