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The 'Worst Nightmare' Cure For Shameful Shitting

Posted 08.01.2007 by Hamster (579)
I was brought up by my parents to be a Shameful Shitter. "Only ever use a public toilet to wee" was my mother's mantra. School toilets did nothing to discourage this approach, and by the time I was in my teens I was too inhibited to poop anywhere but in my own home. There were uncomfortable times when I was bursting to go, but I was too embarrassed to do anything until I got home. My closest school friend was totally Shameless, and I was more than a little envious of his total lack of inhibition. Eventually, though, going away to college and then off on my travels forced me into a gradual change.

After college I started work in an office. I was okay with using public toilets by this time, but I found that I was still too embarrassed to go for a dump at work when people I knew were in the toilets. More than once I pretended to pee, washed my hands, and walked out again.

As a result of my embarrassment, I developed my "blinkered" strategy. There was one busy set of toilets for our floor, with two stalls opposite the door and the urinals and washbasins to the right. If I walked purposely straight ahead from the door without looking to the right, I could go straight into the stall quite oblivious to anyone at the washbasins and urinals.

This strategy worked brilliantly, until one memorable evening.

Our floor cleaner was a lovely girl of my own age called Viv. I fancied her like mad, but she was off-limits due to a rather aggressive husband; so we were just good friends. On the evening in question, my urge to shit had been building all afternoon, and I was working late. I made my move at about five o'clock. As per my blinkered strategy, I aimed straight for the stalls as usual, so I was just barely conscious of a figure at the sinks. I locked the door and was unfastening my trousers when a very familiar voice said, "Do you mind me carrying on cleaning?"

I froze to the spot.

"It's not me I'm worried about," I finally half-stammered.

"Oh, don't worry about me," she said, "I have two brothers and I've lived with men all my life. I know what you're all like."

Oh, God, no! I thought. What now? But it was either get on with it, or chicken out and look like a wuss in front of the object of my desires.

Get on with it, then.

Viv continued to chat on in her usual way whilst I worried about what to do if I did another huge one that I couldn't flush away. I decided I'd let half of it out and then squeeze my bumhole shut to break it off. That worked fine -- except that the turd hit the water with an embarrassingly loud splash. I'd never thought of that! My first turd was usually big enough to be nearly touching the water before it completed the exit. The smaller ones then fell on top, so I was usually a quiet shitter.

But Viv continued to chat, showing no sign of noticing the bomb-dropping going on, or the fact that I was being unusually quiet. The second turd exited with a loud splash, too; and by then I could have died on the spot. All that was missing was a huge fart (thankfully I managed to stifle that).

I'd done enough to assuage my need, so I wiped. Fortunately the toilet flushed it all away. I made an apologetic exit from the stall and turned to face her. She smiled, and with eyes twinkling, asked, "Feeling better now?"

I'll never forget that evening. And years later, I've retold the story to much amusement. But as amusing as it was, it also cured me of worrying who was in the toilets. I figured that if I could shit with Viv in the same room, I really didn't have to worry about anyone else.

CaCa Doodle Doo (42) -- 08.01.2007

Holy Crap! That sounds awful. I would have wussed out for sure.

The Big Wiper (2240) -- 08.01.2007

Good for you. But I'm not sure Viv has the proper regard for propriety or privacy. I once worked for a company where the cleaning lady actually complained to my supervisor about my taking too long in the john, making her wait to clean.

Even though I'm well-known for being Shameless on this site, I do think people who are not should be respected. And I don't think bathrooms should cater to the schedules of those who clean them. Rather, those who clean them should cater to the schedules of those who use them. And if that means waiting from time to time, so be it.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Thunderbox (761) -- 08.01.2007

At least the cure worked Hamster, even if it was hard to take at the time.

Our cleaner is a pretty hot chick and I`d love her to stay in the men`s toilet as I went for a dump. It would be a tight fit as the entire room is only 6 feet by 3 feet, including the toilet and sink. She might have to sit on my lap until business was taken care of.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.01.2007

Hamster, I like this version. Great job!!!
Producing waste since 1967

C Everett Poop (587) -- 08.01.2007

If she stayed in the crapper while you were laying cable, she wanted you to lay some pipe too. At least that's the way I interpret it.

Lame comment! -1 point
Frank2401 (183) -- 08.01.2007


_Hammy, great story! Sorry to say that I'm cursed to be a shameful shitter forever. C. Everett, have you ever dressed up like a man?______

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.01.2007

Good story, Hammy!

Frank, I dunno... I'm going to have to side with Rhett.

At my work, one of us gals has to clean the mens' room each evening. If I was in there cleaning the sinks or mirrors or something, and a male co-worker walked in, I'd walk out.

IF I was to say to the man, "Do you mind if I just stay in here...?", WTF would he THINK I was doing?!?

I'm socially comfortable with most (but not all) of them, but NEVER would I offer to listen to them shit.

Unless I intended something... uh... inappropriate for the workplace.

Not that I would know.

Lame comment! -1 point
Frank2401 (183) -- 08.01.2007


_Sorry GGG, I can't explain the point of my post. You have the power, I have the stigma.______

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.01.2007

(*deep breath*)

Yes, and wee chip on your shoulder, perhaps? With all due respect, and I mean this in the friendliest way possible, who stigmatizes you besides yourself?

Certainly not me. Please. I just work here.
I may have some minor moderation capabiliites around here, but most assuredly no "power" of stigma.

Now, stigmata, on the other hand... Okay, just kidding.

"NOBODY calls me Francis!"
"Lighten up, Francis."

If it will smooooth things over, I hereby retract your name from my post above. Then it just reads, "Good story, Hammy! I'm going to have to side with Rhett..."

Goddam. They don't call it "moderating" for nothin'.

Lame comment! -1 point
Frank2401 (183) -- 08.01.2007


GGG you are so wrong sometimes. Are you kidding? You know my "orientation"_It is a very big stigma. Also I apologise to C Everette.

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 08.01.2007

This story gave me the hibbie-jibbies. If I was cleaning a bathroom and someone walked in, obviously on a mission, it's only common courtesy to leave and return when they've left.

I also grew up in a house with men, but I sure as hell wouldn't stay in the bathroom with a STRANGE man. Yuck!

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Mary Queen of Scats (387) -- 08.01.2007

As a side note, Frank's comment made me chuckle. Not because it was directed at CEP, but because it's something guys say to other guys when they want to be mildly insulting.

Sorry...guess my husband's toddler-level maturity is getting the best of me today.

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

C Everett Poop (587) -- 08.01.2007

Frank, this site isn't about your orientation. Keep it to yourself and you won't have any problems, real or imagined.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.01.2007

GGG, Frank is still getting the "hang" of PR. Maybe Dumpster can give him some guidence? Frank's humour sometimes does not translate well in written form so he gets fusterated. You are very sweet to be gentle with him. Thank you.
Producing waste since 1967

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.01.2007

Have fun, Frank: jump into the deep end of the bog. Just make sure there's something there to break your fall.
Nice story, Hamster. I'm far from Shameful, but I wouldn't have enjoyed that situation too much more than you did. Call it the "cold turkey" cure for Shamefulness.

doniker (1517) -- 08.01.2007

I don't want anybody talking to me in a public restroom while I am in a stall.

That's why they have stalls, for privacy.

If this happened to me I would probably have filed a complaint with the cleaning lady's supervisor. It was inapropriate for her to stay in the bathroom and especially to talk to you whist you were dropping a load.

You even said you were scared to hit on her because of a jealous husband, so who cares if she got fired over the incident.
Her getting fired would also solve another problem; you wouldn't have to drool over her everyday and then go home with the need to rub one out.

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.01.2007

doniker's reminder about the jealous husband (and Hamster drooling) has got me thinking a little more about this whole situation. Why did Viv hang around to chat? Everett's first post may have hit closer to the mark than I initially thought.
Maybe hubby is jealous 'coz he's seen Viv in "tease" mode before. Hamster's hot for Viv; Viv probably knows it and sees a chance to play a little bit with Hammy's head (both of 'em). Not the ideal setting, but the pieces seem to fit.

Deja Poo (606) -- 08.01.2007

Heaven forbid, FP, that the so-called jealous hubbie actually gets turned on by his wife's wandering flirtations or the ensuing response by the teased.

So what's the harm? Viv gets to flirt, hubby gets his voyeurism fix and the Hameister has a ripe banana for a monkey-spanking session.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The Thunderous ... (653) -- 08.01.2007

Ya know I think you guys are right she HAD to have been hitting on him somewhat. But geezus in the BATHROOM? I could think of at LEAST TEN more appropriate spots for that kind of thing than the bathroom. If you ask me shes a little weird. I would NEVER carry on a conversation with a female if she was in the bathroom with me and I was taking a dump. She would be frightened by the blast anyway.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Hamster (579) -- 08.01.2007

Postscript!

CEP - I think you are right! Although I didn't realise it then. A few months after this incident, I was promoted (no connection obviously!) and moved onto outdoor, visiting work. Viv asked me several times to pop in and visit her when I was out and about. But I was a total coward, and the thought of 'the husband' (who was, apparently, a violent type) returning home unexpectedly meant that I disappointed her.

But Doniker, I would never have complained about her! I would have reacted differently with any other cleaner I've met - 'no, it's ok, I'll come back' would have been the line, I think. Guess I'm easily influenced by a pretty face.

Lame comment! -1 point
Frank2401 (183) -- 08.01.2007

Fudgepump, you go jump into a bog. The post I made to you the other day on one of the polls (does your anus hurt after you poop), well, I take it back.

Bilgepump (1478) -- 08.01.2007

Frank, could you possibly be any more overly sensitive??? Why the hell would you care what anyone HERE thinks of you?? Sack man...

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.02.2007

Frank2401 (89) -- 08.01.2007 -- wrote: "
GGG... You know my "orientation". It is a very big stigma...
"

Not to me. And not around here, for the most part. "Poop is the great equalizer", remember.

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.02.2007

(*grits teeth against temptation and congratulates self on being a good Girl and passing up a wisecrack about "big stigma"*)

Aw, fuck.

I'll take my lashing, now.

Gaseous Glay (95) -- 08.02.2007

Hampster, are you a Brit? In the US, the type of encounter you described would be considered highly inappropriate. HR types would freak. Beyond that, hitting on someone taking a shit is just plain weird.

Thunderbox (761) -- 08.02.2007

Not so common in the UK Gaseous, but you`ll find women cleaners in continental toilets all the time, specially in France. They like to check out your package as they mop the floors.

I think it`s a good idea - you can empty everything in one go: bladder, ass and nutsack.

I`m going to set up a franchise. Any ideas for a name?

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.02.2007

You're right, Deja: it wouldn't surprise me at all if Viv and hubby had exactly that kind of relationship. As for flirtation being harmless, no disagreement here: both actors know their roles, and the desired spice is added to the mix. Except if hubby plays his role a bit too strongly in defense of his "property rights", in which case the flirtee (Hammy) could find himself caught in Viv and hubby's game at an uncomfortable level.

Dear Frank: please read Bilge's post (over and over and...) until you GET the message. FYI: the "bog" I referred to is a metaphor for the PR community. Think of it as a waste lagoon at a hog farm: it's a bog that we ALL happily splash around in as readers of/ contributors to a site devoted to poop. When you poked Everett in the eye with your post, you started moving into the bog's deeper waters...hence my post. G3 and Miss Simone have been gentle with you and so will I, Frankie. Lighten up, join us in the bog; have fun! Just be alert in the deep end.

RoboCrap13 (311) -- 08.02.2007

I work in a restaurant. Many times we've had a female crew member cleaning the men's room, when a guy has walked through, droppped trou, and dropped a log.
We prop the door open with the trashcan, but it doesn't matter to mostpeople. One or two have realized who was in the room and apologised in mid-plop. We've told the ladies to just walk out and return when they've finished.


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

C Everett Poop (587) -- 08.02.2007

There is ALWAYS a woman in the bathroom in any public toilet in Korea but she is always at least 70 years old and has an osteoporosis hunchback. You get used to it.

Thunderbox (761) -- 08.02.2007

CEP, I guess they are all hunchbacks due to the constant rear-ending they get over the sinks by the horny Koreans.

Hamster (579) -- 08.02.2007

GG - yes, I am a Brit! Two things though - this occurred thirty years ago, and attitudes to the HR type issues were very different then. Also, it wasn't like this was just out of the blue - it was the only incident in the toilet, yes - but we flirted a lot anyway.

DungDaddy (1364) -- 08.02.2007

Shamefulness is a dangerous disease and this story proves it. Tough shituation, Hammy. At least your blinders strategy backfired on a hot chick and not murderer sharpeng his ax.

Hamster (579) -- 08.03.2007

DD - no problem there - I was using the staff toilets remember. But had I been using the public toilets your comment could be nearer the mark than you might think ......

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.03.2007

I like your franchise idea Thunderbox...how about the "Squat-n-Squirt"?..."Dumps with Benefits"?..."One-Two-n-Goo"? (Sorry folks: I'm tryin' my best here...)

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.03.2007

BTW, I know there's an "urban dictionary"-type term for receiving oral sex on the can: I just can't remember it (and for some reason my browser has to shut down every time I access urbandictionary.com)
Help, anyone???

Frank2401 (183) -- 08.03.2007

Fudgepump, oral sex on the can? Yuck! Bildgy, I get the point. Also, wanted to say about the urban legands is that- they have it wrong about a hamster. It was a gerbil and he/they (both RG and JP) put cocaine on it first. And what is a sac man? Time to focus on this great website and have fun. (please don't lame me again, I get it, lame-ing is hurtful).

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.03.2007

Message received, Frank? EXCELLENT! 'Nuff said.

Gaseous Glay (95) -- 08.03.2007

Blumpkin = f to m

Reverse Blumkin = m to f

The Big Wiper (2240) -- 08.03.2007

What do you call a redneck who receives a blumpkin?

A country blumpkin.

(Listens to groans from cyber-audience!)

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Fudgepump (366) -- 08.03.2007

Thanks, GG! Trying to remember that was driving me nuts.
Nice, Wiper...very nice. Come here (just a bit closer) so I can smack you.

Gaseous Glay (95) -- 08.03.2007

I'm wondering though how did that come to be known as a Blumpkin? What's the origin of the word? Who invented the Blumpkin? Do people actually engage in it or is it just a funny hypothetical concept with a funny name?

Lame comment! -2 points
DRIP_DOWN_YO_LEG (21) -- 08.03.2007

great story a couple months ago my fifteenth birthday get together with my friends and girlfriend i really needed to shit bu ti held it in all day until she left so i went upstairs let the hot bubbling liquid demon out of me before telling my friends the tale of the all day hold in shitter she eventually asked me later oh my god were u all right it looked like u needed to take a giant shit all night? i didnt care though it was really funny hearing it from her
_______
i have met many people that talk like asses i have not however met many asses that talk like people

daphne (3325) -- 08.06.2007

Big Wiper, I thought of something while reading this story and it made me think of you since you and I seem to like tv quite a bit.

This girl, this Viv, she came out in my mind like one of my namesakes, Daphne, from Frasier. I could see her carrying on nicely while someone pumped out the old brown round.

I also sensed a bit of materalism in this chick. Maybe that's because moms aren't phased by shit. Literally.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Hamster (579) -- 08.06.2007

Daphne - I just had to google Frasier to find out what your namesake looks like!! And, amazingly, I think that if Viv were that age, with a bit of make-up and hair do, there might be a passing resemblance!! And, yes, she was a mum too!!

daphne (3325) -- 08.06.2007

Imagine that!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 08.06.2007

I used to be a sales person for realestate that basically sold desert land back in Texas. When I say desert land I mean not a single living plant, exept for cacti. One day i had an apoinment to show some land, for some reason I had violent cramps a few hours before, i did not pay much heed until I was in the middle of the desrt with this client, that i had the urge with an amazing pain, so i walked to my truck got a few napkins invited the customer back inside the truck and procede to release my self violently behind my truck, buried it and continued to make the sale. Of course I never closed the deal much less got a hand shake.

Hamster (579) -- 08.07.2007

AC - I think you did the only possible thing in the circumstances, and, I must say, acted in a very discrete and gentlemanly way!!!

RoboCrap13 (311) -- 08.28.2007

Daphne, did you know that Daphne on Frasier used to be one of the Hill's Angels?
(Benny Hill's Bevy of Beauties)

Hamster, am I right, mate?

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Hamster (579) -- 08.28.2007

Robo - I don't know for certain, but I'd think it quite possible. She was born in London, then moved to Sussex, and did a lot of dancing & acting work before leaving to 'find her fortune' in the USA. Her biography (http://www.tv.com/jane-leeves/person/1207/biography.html) mentions appearances in Monty Python, although not Benny Hill.

RoboCrap13 (311) -- 08.28.2007

She is! I have a DVD set with her in a number of sketches. Check her profile on IMDB.com.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Hamster (579) -- 08.29.2007

I will!! I wonder if she knows she gets so many mentions on PoopReport!!?? And whether she'd be complimented or offended!!??

RoboCrap13 (311) -- 08.30.2007

She worked with Alfie... Who knows? The man danced around the bawdy and crude for a number of years.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

GottaGoGirl (2615) -- 08.31.2007

"The Bawdy & Crude" would be a good name for a pub.

At least for Poop Reporters. :)

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 08.31.2007

So Daphne on Frazier was a Benny Hill dancer? WOW I did not think she was old enough to have done his show.
GGG, Maybe Dave can finance it thru PR and then put the profits back into both!
Producing waste since 1967

RoboCrap13 (311) -- 08.31.2007

GGG - It would have to have a small bar area and large restrooms.
Miss Simone - Jane Leeves DOB 18/APR/1961
Hill's Angel - 4 episodes '83 -'85
All from the Internet Movie DataBase!


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Hamster (579) -- 08.31.2007

GGG - true, not for the sort of pub I'd go into of course!!!

The Dirty Protest (1) -- 11.13.2007


_______
Clogging crappers since 1974!!!

Talking to me in the crapper, is akin to signing your death warrant. Having I.B.S., company only makes the process of pinching a loaf for me that much more intollerable. Not to mention, makes me question the lucidity of the person themself. Because if I can't stand the smell of my own excretions, how can they?

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