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Go Down, Moses: Pooping In Egypt

Posted 03.15.2004 by Dave (11627)
The bus ride from the Farafra Oasis in the Western Desert of Egypt back to Cairo is a long, stressful affair. While tourism is Egypt's #1 industry, few white people make it further west than the pyramids, so, on the bus, my girlfriend and I were an unwelcome novelty. Stares of disapproval greeted our walk down the narrow aisle to the back of the bus; although we were both modestly and respectfully dressed, I was still nevertheless a decadent infidel, and Jenny was still nevertheless a wanton whore. The friendly Bedouin who had taken us to spend the previous night in the desert had told us that the highway checkpoint police would really hassle us if they knew we were American, so he suggested that we tell anyone who asked that we were Australian. Lying to three angry-looking men walking through a bus with big sunglasses, big mustaches, big guns, and all the power afforded to the police in Egypt's strange totalitarian interpretation of democracy is really scary; my stomach fluttered every time we approached a checkpoint. The bus, of course, didn't have a toilet.

The bus stopped at the Bahariya Oasis, two hours into our journey and about five hours southwest of Cairo.

A squatter. Not the one in Bahariya, though. This is much nicer.
I tried to poop in the disgusting squatter there, gingerly holding the shit-speckled tile walls for balance as I crouched above the festering feces of countless fellow travelers, trying to get everything out because I wasn't sure if there would be another rest stop before Cairo. Nothing came out. I got back on the bus and, just as it pulled on to the bumpy dirt road leading through the dusty town back to the bumpy highway pavement, my stomach rolled with a single, massive cramp.

Egypt is an amazing place. Poor and chaotic, it's a country where dinner and drinks costs the equivalent of less than two US dollars, buildings are ancient and crumbling in the hot desert sun, and cars share the roads with goats and donkeys. In Cairo, the pollution is oppressive and the traffic laws non-existent -- you take your life in your hands both when you cross the street and when you breathe. Looming beyond and above the squalor, stoically observing contemporary culture's irrelevance as they have for the last five thousand years, are the Pyramids of Giza, visible from the city on clear days as a reminder of how fleeting our modern accomplishments truly are.

I expected Egypt to be a pooping nightmare. But Egyptian food is meat or bean-based, which is pretty easy on the stomach; and the water is chlorinated to the point of unpalatability, so even if we hadn't drank bottled water we wouldn't have to worry about malicious bacteria. The stomach problems one might expect from India or Mexico weren't an issue. While the guidebook suggested that we memorize the locations of McDonalds and KFCs for clean Western facilities, our bowels were firmly under control. Pooping in Egypt wasn't much trouble.

As an Islamic country, Egypt is historically a nation of squatters. For many Egyptians, it still is --

Because you often see this...

...you get really good at using this.
you can tell by the way people rest comfortably on the street squatting on their hamstrings that they're used to that position. When is the last time you saw a bunch of grown Americans squatting on the street or in the office like that? We can't do it -- our legs don't have the strength or flexibility that comes from a lifetime of squat shitting. Which meant that squat shitter shitting required my hand on the wall or the floor to balance; even in the cleanest of squatters, that's really gross.

A typical squat toilet is a white porcelain trough set at ground level, bracketed by serrated foot grips on either side. There's rarely an automatic flush -- most squatters have a hose for use first to clean your ass and then to wash your poop down the hole. Most squat toilets I encountered were as clean as you would expect them -- in restaurants they were nice, in highway rest stops they were repulsive. But I forgive the filth of the squatter in Bahariya -- apparently the phenomenon of disgusting bus station bathrooms transcends religion and culture. The toilets in Port Authority aren't much cleaner.

While the Western sitter toilet is naturally found in all the hotels and tourist destinations, I was surprised to find it in places well off the beaten track -- in non-tourist restaurants, in non-tourist cafes,

While the sitter is quite pervasive, they are almost never clean below the waterline. The above is a very typical scene.
in the nondescript apartment building where my friend lives. The spread of Western culture brings to developing nations Coke, Nike, Nokia and, it seems, Kohler. With no data to substantiate it, I hypothesize that a developing country's modernization can be measured in terms of Western toilet sales -- in fact, since sitting shitting is the cause of so many colon diseases, I wouldn't be surprised to see a direct correlation between a country's growth in per capita income and its incidence of colon cancer.

Thus, with edible food, drinkable water, and poopable toilets, Egypt was not a fecal disaster. I grew adept at cleaning my ass with the butt hose and remembering to throw my toilet paper in the wastebasket. While we did experience the occasional days of stomach cramps and diarrhea, it was no worse than any two-week stretch back home. On that bus to Cairo, with five hours between me and my hotel's pristine bathroom, my stomach cramped intensely exactly once, and then settled down to enjoy the ride. There was no poop story to be had -- Egypt wasn't a problem for my butt.

-- Dave



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Crapola (246) -- 03.15.2004

Welcome back, Dave. I'm interested in the logistics of hosing down one's ass, while squatting, and not soaking your underwear, pants, etc. Could you please share how that's done?

Piece out!
Crapola

PacydermPooper (not verified) -- 03.15.2004

Sorry, but looking at the squatter toilet I don't think that it'd be able to withstand the might of one of my godzilla-logs. I can see it now: me squatting above that thing and dropping off a log and standing there for the next 45 minutes trying to wash that thing down.........knowing my luck it wouldn't go down and I'd cause an international incident w/the headlines reading "American accused of Turd Terrorism Plot". So how the hell do you deal w/a big 12 inch log in the squatter? For one, I sure as hell am not going to stand there chopping it up as if I were chopping onions at home. Nope, not me.

Pinch Shitter (not verified) -- 03.15.2004

Welcome back Dave. It's good to hear you didn't succumb to any of the diseases on those shack-nasty crappers they have over there.

Jack Scat (81) -- 03.15.2004

Glad you had a good trip. Sounds better than mine to Amsterdam a few months ago where I had my wallet, passport, glasses (can hardly see without them) and cell phone ripped off.
If I were an Amercian travelling well, pretty much anywhere these days, I would disguise myself as a Canadian. The accent is the same (though most non-English speakers can't tell the difference but it helps you believe your own lie which makes you more convincing) so all you have to do is say 'eh' a lot and stick the Canadian flag on your backpack.
I really don't know why Canadian travellers advertise their nationality the way they do.
Oh shit. This isn't about poop is it?
To get back on topic, I too would be most interested to read a dissertation on the post-poop squatter-shitter self-hosedown.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 03.15.2004

Oh, my God, Pacyderm Pooper! I just about laughed my ass off picture some guy hopelessly spraying this monster piece of poo. You know, it sort of rolling back and forth from the force of the ass faucet but never actually going anywhere. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Chip Brown (201) -- 03.16.2004

Excellent writing Dave-O. Glad you and doniker are back. I've heard nothing but crickets in the forums since you left. By the way, what happened to the forums? They seem to have dissapeared.

Dave (11627) -- 03.16.2004

Crapola -- I've given it a lot of thought, and I don't think I actually did hose while squatting. My girlfriend and I carried toilet paper everywhere we went, just in case -- few places had it. When you checked into a hotel, for instance, they gave you a roll to keep in your room and bring to the shitter with you. So the few times I had to squatshit, I had some TP with me.

As for squatshitspraying, remember this: traditional Muslim garb, at least in Egypt, is a robe that can be hitched up when you squat, leaving the legs unencumbered, so they don't have to worry about drooping their clothes into puddles on the floor nor dripping (or pooping!) onto them.

For me, the problem is balance: as stated above, we Westerners don't typically have the strength and flexibility to balance in that position without using our hands. Couple that with the problem of trying to keep my legs spread to keep my pants taught enough that they don't touch the ground. It was enough trouble leaning back to ensure my log wall fall into the trough and not into my underwear basket above my knees.

But had I squatshitsprayed, I probably would have positioned the sprayer in the front, below my danglies, and sprayed towards the back. That way any splashes would ricochet into the trough. Had i done back-to-front, they would have landed in my pants.

The problem I had with the sprayer (while sitting) was that I wasn't sure how intense it would spray me. I would always do a few test sprays into the toilet to gauge how much pressure on the trigger equated to pressure on the sphincter. Each sprayer seemed to have its own personality -- so, once I got the hang of it, I'd spray gently into my butt to get it started, and then increase the pressure to get the stubborn bits. Then I'd drip dry for a minute or so, and then dip into my precious supply of TP to towel off.

I don't know how you're supposed to dry without TP -- do you fan yourself until the moisture is gone?

I learned how to angle my hand so that I didn't hold the sprayer directly under the anus -- because then the water would drip down onto my hand.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 03.16.2004

Yeah, Dave-O, it's not like there are demonstration tapes for this or anything like that. I mean, I have yet to see one advertised on TV like the 'Girls Gone Wild' tapes you see all the time. Nor do I think any courses are offered at university in Exotic Shitting 101.

Nice travel-log, so to speak, from you.

sean in cincy (not verified) -- 03.16.2004

Dave,
This butt hoze,,,how do you keep from splashing water and shit all over clothing?? Do you have to strip naked first.???

Crapola (246) -- 03.16.2004

"Travel-log" That's a good one, Biggie!

Piece out,
Crapola

Poonurse (1313) -- 03.17.2004

Thank GOD you are back, dear Dave!

You should host a Discovery channel special about international crappers. Send 'em an email.

Anyway, glad you are back, and hope you don't come down with a horrible disease from your travels!

Chip Brown (201) -- 03.17.2004

... at least not yet. The elephantine herpes won't appear on your lip for another two weeks, followed by the stomach cramps, uncontrolable drooling and headaches.

kendall (not verified) -- 03.17.2004

i love this wep site

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 03.17.2004

Yep. This wep site makes one weep sometimes. I think it's all the gas we generate at both ends.

Yo, Chipper, you must be referring to Egyptian Eww Syndrome, which pyramids out of control for up to three years from the time you contract it.
Eventually, you cannot go anywhere without farting loud enough to put a camel to shame. In some medical circles this condition is also known as Deadly De Nile, but other health care professionals think it is all psychosomatic, and, therefore, a croc.

bristol shitter (not verified) -- 03.18.2004

After long years of travelling in Muslim countries, I found the trick to using the squat-shitters in Western garb is not to pull you trousers etc right down. You drop them to just below the crotch, then squat. That way you dont get lots of loose trouser-garbage dragging about on the floor, and as long as those trousers dont get hoiked down to knee-level, you can still spread the knees in useful fashion as you lower your ass to its impending fate. DO NOT do what I did once, and lower the trousers to around the knees, then squatted down quick. Then I found I just couldnt go anywhere - without the knee spread I couldn't balance, but neither could I get up easily. I was in severe danger of just losing it and sort of rolling over backwards into the porcelain trough, with every probability that some unfortunate part of me would actually get stuck down that disgusting sump full of fetid bubbling bottom-mess left by the previous incumbents. YECH!! Eventually I heaved a bit and sort of flung my body-weight forward and used the momentum to claw my way upwards, using the door handle, the tap-with-the-hose, small crumbs of unidentified fluff stuck to the tiles - just ANYTHING that would help me gain a finger hold. I was upright, but with my backside still begging for relief from holding in the molten hell caused by a week of holiday eating. I looked down again - but no, I didnt dare. I walked away, hoping to make it back to my hotel.

The Other David (123) -- 03.18.2004

Glad you got to have a chance to visit Egypt. I had just missed an opportunity (mainly because I wasn't aware of the trip 'til after the fact, with the DGL of AMORC (German Grand Lodge of the Rosicrucian Order, AMORC which I have been a member of for quite some time, and that has its own roots in ancient Egypt. This during the time of Akhenaton, or Amenhotep the IV.

Now, believe it or not, the Middle East has no monopoly on Asian toilets. In fact, I had used one in Paris, and indeed there is a cottage in a park near the lake in Geneva, Switzerland. In fact when I had first visited genève, I was surprised to see Asian toilets in SWITZERLAND! But, of course, this does not mean that the majority of toilets of are of this type, not at all! In fact, these Asian toilets are indeed a minority in the Land of the Holey Cheese!

As you have indicated that your bowels were rather bored on this trip, how did you manage to get a case of the runny shits at all?

One day, I shall visit the origin of the Rosicrucian Order, AMORC, by going to Egypt as well.

Welcome back!

David

Fag Soldier (not verified) -- 03.19.2004

Did these squat-shitters have any privacy (stalls, partitions?)? Or were there just several next to each other so you end up buddy-squatting with some Arab you don't know?

Dave (11627) -- 03.22.2004

Much like paper and complex trigonometry, the ancient Egyptians must have invented partitioned stalls 3,000 years ago -- there was no buddy squatting to be experienced. They have privacy AND electricity.

MSS (not verified) -- 02.08.2005

Actually Dave was kind of right when he said that you can somehow measure the rising income of countries by their rising change to the sitting toilet from the squat pans. Here in South East Asia...it was mostly squat pans in the 1980s and before that. However as the years progressed...these were being phased out and pedestal toilets have been more common. But in all public toilets in Asian you would find several squat toilets. Yes, it is true,many Asian can squat because in our culture,sitting on the floor, squatting and sitting crosslegged are all very common occurrences. In the west, I think only school children might sit on the floor in their school halls.

L Wrong Hubbard (216) -- 10.17.2005

A hose. now that is interesting indeed.
Oh, have to go to a meeting now!

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

Peter Winston (not verified) -- 10.25.2005

With all the shit you wrote about this country,
I still can say that its people ,culture and everything there is one of the best countries i have visited worldwide include Australia.
Ciao mite!
LOL

it doesn't matter (not verified) -- 12.25.2005

strange!!
I've never seen a tourist who pictures toilets..
good that's your new profession, isn't it?!
enjoy..

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 04.09.2006

Wow; cool! I would have thought Egypt would be really scary, toilet-wise. This was really interesting. I'm still not sure I want to go there any time SOON, but I enjoyed the report!
_______
"You polished up my low-flow, and I dirtied up your bowl!"

Semi-Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 02.25.2007

I have also taken pics of unusual toilets... why not??? Its a sight not seen at home. The question of why do Canadians advertise themselves.... for the very reason that Americans pretend to be other than American... The Americans are not and never have been very welcome outside of America. Something about attitude.... "Ugly American" and all that. Canadians do not want to be mistaken for one.

Cam (not verified) -- 08.19.2007

I remember a visit to Paris in 1988, got off the train from Calais early one morning and went looking for a toilet and all the cafes we went to had these hole in the floor crappers.
This wasnt the problem, the problem was as soon as you closed the door it was a blackout.
Don't know if I was just paranoid but I just couldnt go.
Anyway after a tour of Frances finest I got to one and a guy walked out folding up a newspaper lol.
All you had to do was through the doorlock and the light came on.

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