Oui Oui And Poo Poo

Posted 08.23.2004 by The Big Wiper (2245)

The fiercely independent and unpredictable French have a reputation for doing things their way -- politically, socially and otherwise. The following collection of anecdotes adds another dimension to that observation: the French have their own peculiar interpretation of what constitutes bathroom privacy.

My father once told me that my grandfather (not the one who died on the pot but the other one, who was an Episcopal priest) spent a little time abroad when he was a young man, and his time included a brief sojourn to Paris. At one point, Grandpa found himself with an urgent need to unload. The only expedient available to him was a public facility downtown.

There were two notable things about this facility: a) the stalls were wide open and b) both genders were using it.

My grandfather told my father that his need was so pressing that he relieved himself anyway, in full view of all comers, which included some women. According to Dad, Grandpa was uncomfortable with the situation; but since they were all strangers and he knew he would never see them again, he persevered -- a good philosophical point from a man of the cloth if there ever was one.

Many decades later, I lived and worked in Europe for about a year, where I was stationed in Frankfurt as a civilian working for the Army. I took advantage of the inexpensive Army bus tours to travel to other parts of Germany and France. On one such extended tour to Paris, we were given only one rest stop along the way -- my poor bladder was so full, I thought it was going to burst out of my groin in imitation of the birthing scene in Alien. It actually hurt to walk to the facilities, and I was gritting my teeth like a Civil War soldier getting a bullet removed without anything more than a shot of whiskey.

Thus I whipped out the equipment with little decorum. I was standing at the urinal with an apocalyptic case of the piss shivers when who should walk in on me and my fellow male bus passengers but a profoundly curious young French woman. I say "profoundly" because she made a point of inspecting all of the urinals and open stalls and observing all of us guys at close range; and all of us were so full of piss and it felt so good to relieve the pressure built up over several hundred miles of international travel that we did nothing to stop her. She just stood there watching our piss flow, and we let her watch us wee-wee. To this day, I am unclear as to whether this was truly supposed to be a co-ed facility, or if this young woman was just a pervert. (She certainly was not a hooker, because she made no attempt to solicit any of us.)

On another Army-sponsored bus trip to Alsace-Lorraine, I made friends with the guy sitting next to me, a man named Bill, who was about my age. We hung out throughout the tour. Among our many conversations, I told him about the co-ed, full-bladder incident that had happened weeks earlier, and he chimed in with an anecdote of his own. It seemed an Army buddy of his had felt the urge to download in some little French town and, like my grandfather, had found himself with no other choice than to use a facility with wide-open stalls.

"My friend was right in the middle of his crap when a woman walked in, stood nearby and watched him intently until he was finished," Bill told me.

I wanted to know if she was waiting for the stall. Bill said no, that apparently she just wanted to watch a man take a shit. Bill also said his friend did and said nothing throughout, and -- unlike my grandfather -- was not particularly embarrassed about the situation.

Oddly, given my well-reported Shamelessness, I never ended up on a wide-open stall taking a crap during my entire stay in France. In some cases it was a matter of timing, and in other cases a matter of facilities, but I feel fairly certain that I would have dropped trou and deuce (and in front of women, to boot!) had it come to that.

It's well known that the French regard Jerry Lewis as the stuff genius is made of. So there's no accounting for a nation's tastes. But perhaps that helps explain some of the external plumbing eccentricities and arrangements these people have dreamed up for themselves and their visitors. In any case, it's a country tailor-made for the Shameless -- and destined to give the Shameful fits.

-- The Big Wiper

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poop purist (not verified) -- 08.23.2004

please......this is POOPREPORT. if i wanna read half a story about pee, i will visit PEEREPORT. let's stick to the topic at hand people!

The Holy Shitter (156) -- 08.23.2004

So, when you were in France, did anyone surrender to you?

The French suck.

pee defender (not verified) -- 08.23.2004

there is no peereport.com but there should be

poo-poo & pee-pee are both funny

werewolf pooping on trees (not verified) -- 08.23.2004

Couldn't have said it better myself!

ThreePly (not verified) -- 08.23.2004

There is, in fact, a PeeReport. Its a topic in the forums section of the site.

TBW, maybe you guys could've had the lady give your wang a good shake when you were done pissing. She was right there, at least she could've made herself useful. I'm just sayin'...

still_shitting (not verified) -- 08.23.2004

French men are a bunch of metrosexual pussies

their women are dirty hairy sluts

doniker (1536) -- 08.23.2004

Hey Holy you sure have been cranky lately. You always like this during your fasting? Your poor wife, you must be hell to live with.

Can I offer you a bloody steak, a piece of chocolate cake and an ice cold beer?