MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS I Poop and I Vote!  Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 The Great Bowel of ChinaPosted 04.23.2007 by Professor Schitz (80)
Here I am in China. Again. For the fourth time. I work as a history professor in an "American-Style" business education college program. It's what they call a joint venture between a Chinese university and an American university. But, to be perfectly honest, I can't tell you what a "joint venture" actually is. But I suspect someone, somewhere along the line is making a lot of money off this "venture." I just don't know who, and I don't know how he, she, or it could have ever put together a screwball operation like this in the first place.
Every time I've been in China I have experienced a similar pattern of changes in my bowel movements. I spend up to two weeks experiencing irregular bowel movements just after I arrive. Then I experience a period of normality followed by irregular -- but not usually uncomfortable -- spells of the runs. For instance, I had to run for it the other day. I caught a chill from the early morning air on my way to work and had to find someplace quick to take a dump. Fortunately, the Mandarin word for "toilet" is a word I know. (And one of the first words I learned over here, I might add.) I walked into some sort of plumbing supply store and got my point across immediately, half bent over and clutching my gut. I was immediately directed to the john. That's probably the most meaningful type of conversation I have over here in China. God knows that in class, my students don't know what the hell I'm talking about. The worst thing about this school program over here is that most of the students don't really speak or understand English well enough to really benefit from a history class. That's one reason why I have doubts about this "joint venture." I expected to be working with elite students. But I'm actually working with privileged students. And, if you think about it for moment, there's a big difference between being elite and being privileged. These young Chinese are unusual because they come from an affluent background. But that doesn't mean they are exceptional or motivated. There are plenty of western-style toilets here. My apartment is equipped with a western-style. But in most public bathrooms the traditional porcelain hole-in-the-floor model prevails. And it's not bad at all. But you definitely need to learn a new approach to an old problem when you first start using that kind. You step over it and squat. You do not sit. If you sat down, you'd be sitting someplace you didn't want to be. Of course, you also have to deal with your clothing in a new way. Pants are bunched up around the ankles and the feet are as wide apart as possible in order to put tension on the pants. You don't want them touching the floor if at all possible. Don't forget to hoist up any long-tailed shirts. And make sure your jacket or coat is safely tucked away. If you're carrying a bag, good luck -- there isn't much space in a normal stall, and some floors are really dirty and scary-looking at first. One of the remarkable things about China is the plentiful food. I can walk down to the local street vendors and buy almost any kind of fruit or vegetable I want. There are meat vendors and stands shucking oysters. Prepared food is available, too. I often stroll down the street and buy a quick meal made fresh on the spot. Everything is VERY inexpensive. A lot of the restaurant food here seems like gourmet food. Very exotic. I often remind myself that if I were eating something like this in the States, I'd have to pay a fortune for it. But here in China it's usually less than a buck. Although in some places, I might pay the astronomical amount of five or six dollars for a really nice meal. And because I often find myself eating what most people back home would consider exotic foods, the quality of my bowel movements vary greatly. But I don't consider it a problem. It goes with the territory. It's just part of a normal routine for me. I have similar bouts of odd droppings when I'm back home. But over here, I tend to have blasting bowel movements somewhat more often. Blasting bowel movements are when fecal matter is expelled forcefully and quickly and can often end up on the side of the toilet bowel rather than at the bottom, under water, where it really belongs. That's right, the *side* of the toilet bowl. When I first experienced this phenomenon, I wondered why one side or the other of the toilet interior might be splattered. But eventually I noticed some consistency in these blast patterns and figured that the musculature of my anus must be stronger on one side than the other. Perhaps someday I'll be able to consult someone from CSI who can explain these blast patterns to me scientifically. However, having said that, what interests me the most about these blasts is that the fecal matter can stick to the side of the bowl and resist being flushed down the drain. Repeated flushing won't remove all the crap stuck there, and even if I stand over the toilet pissing a hot stream of urine all over the stain, particles of shit will not be washed away. This worries me a bit -- if this crap sticks so resiliently to the side of the toilet, what in the world is it doing to the inside of my body? The last such occurrence happened just a few days ago. I had to figure that this unsightly glop was the result of me eating some unusual junk food. I usually don't eat packed chips and puffed-up processed food, but I happened to be feeling especially hungry one day around lunchtime and compulsively wolfed down these odd looking crisps. They were a cross between chicharrones and Cheetos known locally as "American-style burgers." They were basically tasteless, and I felt disappointed in myself for giving in to temptation. My diet over here is anything but normal, but I usually eat fresh, wholesome foods. The next day is when I really felt bad, seeing part of that sticky glop still clinging to the side of the toilet bowl. It's not that I'm a bad housekeeper. I decided to let it go and remain there as a daily reminder that I should be more careful about what I eat. I think that part of me is just stunned. (Although I'm also curious to see how long that stuff will cling there before the intermittent flow of flushing water washes away every trace.) This afternoon I bought some fresh strawberries and a peeled pineapple. The pineapple cost fifty cents and the strawberries were thirty. I find it's pretty easy to lose weight over here. I'm not even trying, and I'm down almost ten pounds. Of course, I do a great amount of walking here that I don't do back home. The city I live in is similar to San Francisco. The hills here aren't as steep, but I'm almost always walking up or walking down a hill. In fact, for both Albert Camus fans and for folks interested in mythology, you can call me Sisyphus. Every day I walk up that hill pushing a boulder, and every day it rolls back down. You know, I think it was The Stranger, another novel by Camus, in which the character Meursault made a comment I often remember: "A person can get used to anything." Of course there is always a period of adjustment. But, eventually, it all seems quite normal. And so it is in China. I have even gotten to use to blasting bowel movements. Although I still don't understand them. I suppose I should be glad that the general direction of my excrement after it leaves my body remains downward. Sideways merely puzzles me. I'll start worrying when it starts to go up. Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 2 users and 450 guests online.
Online users:Thong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
