The Pile High Club

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Last year I was fourteen, my family and I took a trip to England. The trip was good but the return flight got delayed, causing us to eat a lot of English airport food that didn't go down well with my stomach. As soon as we started to board the plane I got the rumbles and terrible pain. I was so shameful back then, too, so much so that I wanted to wait the hours until we got to the hotel back in the states to poop. But as we started taking off, I began to realize that wouldn't happen. As much as I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't, I knew I would eventually be using the plane bathroom.

About an hour into the flight I felt like I was going to explode, and I was in terrible pain. After another twenty minutes, my whole family was asleep; I knew this was my chance. I secretly waddled to the only bathroom on the second floor – we were on one of those 747 double-decker planes and our seats were on the top. I was surprised to find a Men’s and a Women’s lavatory. The Men’s was occupied, and my heart sank. I knocked on the door and the occupant said he was going to be a while, because he didn't feel well. I wasn't allowed downstairs to visit another Men’s room, so I jumped into the Women’s lavatory and locked it.

I couldn't believe what I found. The toilet was just a hole a little bigger than a baseball. I wish I knew how I could describe it better. I later found out it was to prevent people from throwing garbage in the toilet, but the Men’s lavatory had a normal-sized toilet for some reason. I was dying to go so I just sat. It felt like sitting on a chair. I stopped clenching and let go with some major diarrhea. After the first five seconds of lava I had another problem – because the hole was so incredibly small I didn't know how I was supposed to pee! I had to re-clench my bunghole, turn around, and try my best to aim. After I peed I turned around and sat again for some more hot pudding. I was in the Women’s room for a total of fifteen minutes and felt so much better by the time I was finished. My mom got up later to go to the bathroom, and when she returned she told us, "You'd never believe what the toilet looks like." I did know, and I never wanted to experience it again. I had diarrhea once more on that flight, but I was able to use the Men’s lavatory, luckily. With a normal-sized hole.

20 Comments on "The Pile High Club"

eric lumpen's picture
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Poor quackquack .. although I've never seen anything like that before. Are women more prone to throwing garbage in the toilet? And how are they supposed to poo? Perhaps it's only American women - do you guys keep your assholes in a different place or something? Happened to me too, but what annoyed me most is that on that occasion I'd been bumped up to business class, but couldn't touch any of the free food,alcohol,etc because of my gut rot ...

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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Lol @ the title.

prarie doggin's picture
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I can't imagine why the men's and ladies toilets would be different. Maybe, in your delirium, you shit in the sink. Great story.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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huh, and all this time I thought airplane toilets were just ridiculously small. Maybe I'll use the men's next time! Come to think of it, I think the bathrooms were unisex. I've never been on one of those double deckers before. I used to try and avoid using plane toilets at all costs, but it never fails, I always have to pee really bad cause drinking ginger ale on a plane is my tradition. (heh, this story kinda reminds me of Tommy Boy and the bathroom on a plane skit).


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Even skinny guys fart at 300 decibels!

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

prarie doggin's picture
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Flushette, you didn't know? The mens rooms on the double deckers all have plush carpeting, piped in music, warmed towels and an attendant with complimentary toiletries.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I did a majority of my flying in planes that had stand-up urinals out in the open or tubes you could stick your weenie in that were marked "for relief of crew member." I remember one trip back into Japan from the Philippines when one of the passengers had to pee and since the T-39 had no facilities he had to pee in what looked like a big slurpee cup. If you had to shit you were out of luck on many of the planes and had to sit on a chemical toilet in full view of all the other passengers.

Just a guess here but maybe the smaller holes in the women's facilities were there to discourage the fairer sex from cramming sanitary napkins and such into the tanks that held the waste materials.

@ Eric Lumpen, I have looked at female bottoms from around the world and I feel sure that the hole is approximately in the same place regardless of nationality or race:)


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Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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@ctb: I think people (men and women) in philly have their bungholes a bit higher from the messes I've seen in public bathrooms any time I've gone to that city. Pretty sure the hole lies somewhere between the shoulder-blades. Everyone else is probably normal.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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I'm pretty sure the only reason the womens' toilet was that much smaller was because people sometimes try to flush tampons and maxi pads down the toilet, which could maybe clog it up. Good call on using the mens' room on the next restroom trip, though :)


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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

poopaT's picture
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i wouldve probly donr the same thing but i feel bad for you.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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Prarie-D, I guess planes makes up for all the men's bathrooms on the ground being of less quality than the women's. Hey, it's not our fault we refrain from trashing our bathrooms!


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Even skinny guys fart at 300 decibels!

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

prarie doggin's picture
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That's ok. Every time I sat down to take a dump my face would be just inches away from the restroom attendants ass anyway. It was never pleasant.

the thin brown line's picture
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How strange. Certainly an unglorified hole. "pudding"..very funny. You write well. I was still sucking my thumb at your age.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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I for one would very much like to hear what your mom's rendition of what the bathroom looked like,just to get an idea what the first person after you saw.That'd be ironic if there was somebody that went in between you and your mother.
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He who laughs last,must have been in front of the blast.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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flushette said, "...I guess planes makes up for all the men's bathrooms on the ground being of less quality than the women's. Hey, it's not our fault we refrain from trashing our bathrooms!"

Ha! The maintenance staff at the Sam's Club I retired from said they had a much harder time keeping the women's bathroom presentable than they did the men's. This wasn't just guys talking as some of the staff were female.

I worked as a janitor in an elementary school for a few months while I was going to college. The nastiest bathroom in the school was easily the one that was used by 3rd to 6th grade girls. The little boys would piss on the floor which was easy to mop up but the little girls would, on occasion, finger paint the stall walls with shit. Some of the paintings showed artistic talent but overall they stank anyway.


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Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

MethuselahTurd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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http://autoimmunecommunity.blogspot.com/

The womens toilet is going to be different to ensure tampons and pads don't get flushed. You know you are a shameful shitter when you say you will wait until you make it to an entirely different continent to shit rather than to go on the airplane. LOL

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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huh, strange. I've heard of kids smearing shit on walls, which is something I can't even comprehend to this day. I guess kids are closer to monkeys than grown adults. Still, I heard of boys and guys pissing on the floor. I mean, come on! Girls don't do that, but for some reason I've heard from many of my guy friends that male bathrooms are way dirtier than women's. I guess I've never had a real bad experience in either one. Uh, except at that one time at the Turf Club in St. Paul... But hey, I was drunk and wandered into the wrong bathroom! I thought the toilet was just reallllllly long with no water in it!


_______
Even skinny guys fart at 300 decibels!

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

neverregular's picture
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I hate public restrooms, if all you ladies would just putt your ass on the seat, then there should be no reason for shit and piss to get all over the toilet seat. Everyone in my house sits on the seat and not once has the seat got dirty,so just sit down already. I have no choice but to sit, im short and when I squat my bum hits the darn seat any damm how.

When in doubt, POOP it ALL out!

Johnny Crap's picture
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Let's get this clear.
There is no greater pleasure than to shit on an international flight. Just imagine - your ass may get deported right back, but your shit did make it to America.
Also, the best time to shit on a long flight (if one could plan it) is as soon as the plane reaches cruising altitude and the seat belt signs come off. The toilets haven't been destroyed yet, the bowl isn't clogged up, and tp is fully stocked.

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We all live in a brown submarine, a brown submarine.

We all live in a brown submarine, a brown submarine.

snowballingblood's picture
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I personally love both farting and shitting on commercial flights. I remember a few years back I had to make a flight from my home here in NY to FL and was scheduled to depart around 8:00pm or so. Went out with some family to a delicious local Italian restaurant and feasted upon ravioli swimming in a delicious, creamy flatulent spinach alfredo sauce and snagged a couple slices of pizza from the table - all washed down with soul-warming beer. Got straight to JFK and killed a few grossly overpriced hard drinks in an airport bar before boarding and I could already hear the cauldron inside me bubbling up a hot mess. Weather looked clear all the way down the east coast, so hopefully the seat-belt sign would be turned off for most of the flight. My timing precise, the urge to rip open my sack of potatoes would probably hit nicely in the middle of the flight.

Things get better - I'm seated in the middle seat next to a cute college-age girl and a man who looked of Indian descent. At the risk of being harshly un-PC, whatever he was, he was definitely of the sect that refrains from using modern deodorants so I was glad that I'd be adding my own organic fragrance soon. I began chatting up the girl, devilishly knowing that soon I'd make her flight perhaps less than enjoyable. We sit in line and then take off.

As the plane approached cruising altitude I slipped off a test fart. Light but noticeable scent... although I now began to feel like a balloon was being inflated in my intestines, and the amount of gas was far more than I had anticipated. "Fuck, guess I'll have to roll it..." I thought and ripped a huge one, even slightly lifting myself from the seat so there was no mystery as to whodunit. My companions in my row seemed aware but afraid to break the barrier of silence. I try to hold in it for a while, but I rip another long and loud one. The college-age girl to my left then says the most hilariously awkward think imaginable; she eyes nonchalantly to the Indian-looking man and whispers, "Don't do that! What if you piss him off?" I look to my right and he appears sound asleep. I rip another and whisper to the girl, "They're gonna smell that one up in first class." At this point I think she was simply in shock, and laughed nervously.

Then I had to wake the man and make my journey to the lavatory. I love plane bathrooms... the cute little sink, the swishy-swirly white noise, the smell of the handsoap, the odd contrast of shit sitting proudly on the metallic bowl. I sit down and a nice ring-ripping fart fills the loo with acoustic joy. I really hope it went through the door somehow. The well lubricated movement came out smooth and mushy. I got up for the visual assessment and it looked like a failed cloning experiment in an incubator. "Wash away thy abomination!" I said and the blue whopper juice (that's my name for it, don't know why) comes down with the force and the poo is whisked away to a zone of mystery. Jettisoned out into the stratosphere, I'd like to think. I wipe, the paper is mediocre. Wash my hands and return to my seat... I see the girl had changed seats to a row where the middle was free, so I got the window. Good riddance to her, I thought. The man then got up to walk back to the lavatory and I remarked, "Warmed the seat up for you." He smiled, although I doubt he knew a word of English.


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No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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snowballingblood,if you have anymore stories like that,you definitely need to send them to Daphne.That was very well written\ and funny.
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He who laughs last,must have been in front of the blast.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.