Three Days Of Poo In Peru

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I am an American living in Peru. This point is crucial to the story; while Peru is no India or China, its bathrooms are still severely lacking in their equipment. Toilets often don't have a seat. Paper is on a bring-your-own basis. Only American chains such as Starbucks or McDonald’s will have a well-stocked bathroom.

I had recently acquired a large quantity of marihuana. Smoking this most wonderful herb produced a severe appetite, one which I proceeded to satiate throughout the weekend. I'm usually a daily pooper; time varies, but either late at night or early in the morning. I'm typically able to carry on with work and such with no fear of a surprise dookie. Having consumed a mega personal banquet at KFC, a full-sized Dominos Pizza with bread sticks, a large plate of Chinese food, assorted fruits for breakfast, and multiple bags of chips over Saturday and Sunday, my colon was full on Monday. Anticipating a morning deuce I woke up a bit early; however, nothing came about. I figured I'd empty my swollen bowels at night. Unfortunately the pain struck while at work.

Bombing my work was not an option. I'm a teacher and there is no teacher's only bathroom, and the one we have is so small that I feared being seen by my students. I held in this monster of a deuce all evening, from six to ten p.m., suffering in pain throughout the night. We are encouraged to stand throughout classes but I stayed seated, hoping the additional pressure of the firm leather chair would support my failing sphincter. I managed to finish work, but now getting home was the concern. I rely on public transport. In this case I'd have taken a taxi in a heartbeat, but as I was without any real money this was not an option.

I stumbled onto a bus and was forced to stand in the midst of multiple people. Gas proceeded to exit my bowels and people began to open windows, something uncommon in April, as it is the Peruvian winter. Peruvians will not open a bus window from April to November despite temperatures of seventy degrees – they are terrified of anything below seventy-two. Hearing some fellow passengers mutter obscenities in Spanish made me smile momentarily. But the knowledge that I still had five more minutes in the bus, followed by a five-minute walk home concerned me. No public bathrooms worthy of this waste were within walking distance.

I nearly fell out of the bus and proceeded home. This part was arguably the toughest. The delicate balance between clenching one's cheeks and walking quickly is hard to maintain. I finally arrived at home but still had five floors of stairs to climb, and everybody knows climbing stairs when you have a turtle head is akin to walking through a minefield. It's dangerous.

As I hit the last flight of stairs I bolted upward in full sprint and opened my door. Charging forward toward the bathroom at maximum velocity I finally arrived. At this point something started moving out of my ass and I managed to drop my drawers. Part of a log was still anchored to my anus and it tapped the toilet seat, leaving a streak that would affix itself to my inner thigh. I then released. The amount of excrement was enough to cause my blood pressure to change immediately. I felt as though I had given birth from my ass. I almost fainted.

I believe my internal pressure dropped so much that I became light-headed. The deuce had been dropped in as little time as it had taken to start, and that it was over in such a short time was a bit of a disappointment. But I was relieved at last. Over two – possibly three – days of food was deposited in the bottom of my toilet. And now the moment of truth: Would this pure solid pile of dense matter go down the impossibly small hole toward freedom? Or, would I have to man the plunger and attack?

The first flush pushed a large quantity of fecal matter down. However, so much was still in the bowl that it appeared as if someone had just shit anyway. The second flush proved ineffective. Apparently, this darkness had become impacted and was now solid as a rock blocking the hole. In fear of the rising water and minimal effectiveness, I had to do something. It occurred to me to try and break up this solid grapefruit-sized mass, so I inserted a pencil into the middle to try and destabilize it. This seemed to work, and the third flush caused it to implode into itself, and this removed the majority of the waste. A fourth flush would clean it out. Subsequent brushing was necessary. Remarkably, the dookie dissipated, and I turned to wipe and found nothing. A pure, solid, hearty deuce dropped without a stain. I cleaned my inner leg and then slept like an infant.

23 Comments on "Three Days Of Poo In Peru"

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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On an American diet then pillaging a second world plumbing system...that, my son, is called a selfish shitter:•0

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Girly's picture
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Um, not exciting I read this on the toilet didn't make me poo try better next time.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear PP, So you traveled not just to a foreign country, but to a country where gastronomy has always been a huge part of the lifestyle. In 2006, Lima, Peru was declared “Gastronomical Capital of Latin America” which would make eating there even more interesting and the cuisine more appreciated.

You ate trash foods like KFC and Domino's pizza, and from your story it sounds like you may have also eaten the occasional Big Mac and perhaps had some sugary concoction from Starbucks. My question is WHY??

The national dish of Peru is ceviche, delicious citrus infused seafood that is the food of the Gods. If I were in Peru I would stay in a restaurant that specialized in ceviche with an occasional venture into a restaurant that served up another Peruvian delicacy, fried or grilled guinea pig.

You might as well just have stayed home as to travel that far and plug your colon with such boring fare. If you had enjoyed some of the local dishes you probably would not have been plugged-up in the first place. There is a Peruvian expression about the local rocoto chiles, "llevanta muertos," meaning they are hot enough to raise the dead. In the town of Huanta, Peru, rocotos are described as "gringo huanuchi," or chiles that will kill a gringo.

Make your fellow Americans proud and go native next time you eat out. Your asshole will thank you as it erupts with a timely flow of lava that lets you arrive at school with an empty colon.
 


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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My question is similar to Chief's. WHY?KFC in America is bad enough,as is fastfood pizza,and of course McDonald's. Why did you think any of those would be better quality in a 2nd world country? More importantly,why is a Starbucks anywhere in Peru? Being so close to Colombia,isn't Peru famous for the coffee beans? Next time you eat,it better be local,otherwise this story will just repeat itself and you will just be asking yourself why.

By the way,you spelled marijuana incorrectly.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points
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The KFC did it. You'd have been better off eating the most questionable of the native foods.

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The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Marijuana can be spelled a few ways, and marihuana is one of them.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Marihuana tax act of 1937;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marihuana_Tax_Act_of_1937


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

coachb12's picture
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Remember the story about the kid who had to eat pot on the bus ride home and went home and stunk up his house?

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points
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Marihuana for all!

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The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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coachb12:

i thought it was a jaw full of skoal he had to swallow, thinking the bust driver was going to be inspecting his and several others mouths.

Thunderbox's picture
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Could be PP eats local food most of the time and just now and then binges on American grub.

Maybe the odd Big Mac and Starbucks coffee is needed after eating guinea pig for breakfast, lunch and dinner five days a week, washed down with lashings of aguardiente.

The voice of sanity

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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What kind of drink is aguardiente? I looked it up on Wikipedia and it looks like it may be similar to Japanese shochu or Korean soju, both of which are firewaters of the first magnitude. Shochu was so cheap back in the day that I couldn't drink a whole dollars worth and still function.

Getting tired of guinea pig might be possible but ceviche? Never! Just change the type of seafood daily and the variety available is fantastic. I love scallops, salmon, squid, sea slugs, or anything else from the sea you might care to put in it.

Damn, slobbering on my keyboard again!


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

coachb12's picture
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Maybe I was wrong but all this talk about pot made me recall the story was about pot and not chew.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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I concur Chief...I never tire of ceviche...Many variants in Los Angeles...and a good, cold batch shared with a love on a hot summer day leads to great sex..
Now I'm slobbering from mouth to peter..

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Thunderbox's picture
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Chief, aguardiente is a generic name for the local spirits in most of South America. Usually clear, but can be kind of greasy. Strong as hell in most places between Venezuela and Bolivia.

I spent a year travelling around South America in 1986, backpacking around on local buses, ferries and the like.

Lima in those days could be quite scary, but it has a great underground catacomb.

I got locked in a bar in La Paz, Bolivia, with some locals and we drank some heinous tasting aguardiente through the night - it was too cold to sleep. I felt like shit for days, even though I was well used to the height then.

Ceviche is superb, but best caught and prepared yourself. Dive for scallops from inflatable beds with a beer hanging off the side in a string bag in ten feet of water, then mix them with finely chopped capsicums, spring onions, coriander and cover in lime juice for twenty minutes!

The voice of sanity

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Probably one reason Peru has had such an influx of Japanese emigres is because of the great abundance of seafood.

Nobuyuki "Nobu" Matsuhisa got his start in Peru and now is one of the most respected chefs in the world, combining Peruvian and Argentine foods with Japanese in a sublime fusion.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Gordon Ramsey's picture
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Chief...Chief....Chief of fucking what, for fuck`s sake!

Anyway, mate, I make the best fucking ceviche in the world, every fucker knows that.

No fucking Japanese or fucking Peruvian knows the slightest fucking ounce of shit about cooking any fucking good food, for fuck`s sake......you dozy fucking cunt!

Jesus fucking Christ! What do I have to do!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Good story.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Dear Gordon Ramsey, You foul mouthed fuckwit, ceviche is not cooked you ninny!


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Chief,I'm beginning to think that Gordon Ramsey is an impostor. The real Gordon Ramsey should know that,and would have included "fuck off" somewhere in that post.
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Pothead stories sucks. Get a life.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Once again fuck Gordon Ramsey and now add the last AC to the, "to be fucked list."

Reality is for pussies that can't handle good weed AC. We potheads have the best of all possible worlds and very seldom suffer from glaucoma. Our appetites are hearty also. Got any munchies on ya!


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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Wrap a Norman Ramsey around your willy and watch it glow glow glow in the dark. ___
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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.