Ask PoopReport: Flat Poop?

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear PoopReport,

I've read through various parts of your website. However, trying to get a serious answer to serious questions is hard due to the amount of joking that goes on. I am glad everyone jokes, this is fine -- but I find that a majority of the time, people end up posting one post and then never returning, which leaves questions in one's mind. (Did they die? Did they get bad news? Or did they get good news and just never return to share it?)

In the past, I have had a small pea-sized hemorrhoid on the outside. I suspect, but I don't know, that I have some on the inside. I don't have pain anywhere on my colon when the doctor presses, but I find myself gassy overall, though not all the time.

Years ago, I used to consume a meal and then anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour later end up with cramps and diarrhea. There were times I would have to literally pull off the freeway, jump the guardrail, and poop on the side of the freeway -- or poop in my pants.

Like I said, this was years ago; I have not had that in years. My real concern is flat poop.

I tried the high-fiber intake. That would bulk them up almost to a point of a perfect cylinder, or a round poop like they used to be years ago. I have suffered from this for three or so years and am now about forty-eight hours from a colonoscopy. And I'm very, very scared they will find cancer or something else.

I don't suffer from pain during a bowel movement, I don't have blood (either fresh or old -- no black stools or coffee grounds), and my fecal occult test was negative for hidden blood. My poop is historically medium-to-light brown and at times has the smell of gastric juices, almost as if my food passes too fast through my system.

My poop is soft, probably the consistency of peanut butter or a little firmer -- not chunky, but smooth, and just that soft. On the Bristol Stool Scale. I am Type 4.

Because I am terrified of going to this colonoscopy, my question is this: do you think my flat poop is somewhat normal, or do you think there is some type of collateral cancer issue?

28 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Flat Poop?"

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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wow theres even a picture chart!sorry, couldn't help myself. I am no medical doctor but it says your type of stool is ideal. I wish I had that type mine is either 1 or 7. I wouldn't get myself to worked up about this test. I mean this is a serious matter but you don't know anything yet, try and relax. I found myself the same way when my dr. thought I might have cervical cancer. I was scared to death for 3 months until further testing revealed it was nothing. During that time I made myself a nervous wreck worrying. You can't change what the outcome will be by worrying, you can only remain strong and try to deal with the results as best you can when they come. I hope you report back with the findings as I want to know how you are. I wish you the best of luck, try not to worry to much. It could after all be nothing more than flat poop.
_______
Oops I did it again, I shit when I fart, I crapped in my pants.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Dr. Grogan's picture
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Unfortunately, I believe you're suffering from what the laymen refer to as Flatpucker disorder. You're doomed...i'd give you month to 6 weeks.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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The anus is not a tiny round hole; it is closer to a slit. When a nice round firm piece of poop comes out it pushes the slit open to a round shape and lets the turd come out as a cylinder. However, if the poop is soft enough to be shaped at the exit hole, it is likely to be flatter than round, just because the exit hole is not round unless expanded to that shape. That being said, if the poop is consistently ribbon-like, you should be checked.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Richard, I hope you are fine and it's nothing, however....I had a friend a few years back who had the same flat poop after years of normal poop. It turned out she had a small, yet benign(YAY!)
lump inside her anus that flattened her poop on it's way out. She also said that at certain times it felt like there was something "up there" and she would feel like she had to poop, and gave herself hemmoroids from straning to get poop out that wasn't there. it was just that little lump. Hope everything turn out ok. Just relax during your colonoscopy, and it will go much easier. Breathe, and try not to think about your tender ass with a camera pipe going up it.
VALIUM!!!

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Flat poop means too much pizza or matzoh.

torn bunger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i wouldnt worry too much i drop a flat log on ocassion myself, just had my yearly and am healthy as can be. try a good colon cleansing product solved the problem for me.

I think i just shit an upside down pine cone.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Richard, I hope your colonoscopy goes well and they don't find anything. Or if they find something, it is simple to fix. Your symptoms (not the flat poop part)sound a lot like several digestive disorders, from celiac disease (if the digestive upset comes after eating wheat products) to a malabsorption issue, or even a stomach or gallbladder disorder (especially if it happens after fatty foods). Many of these things can be treated with medication, dietary changes, or both. Your doctor can tell you more after some investigation.

Again, good luck on your exam! I always shutter at the thought of an ass cameraing. However, I think I would do it if I had your symptoms for so long.

_______
I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Celiac Spew's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I'm with The Shit Volcano on this one...sounds like you might have a malabsorbtion problem like celiac or gallbladder problems. It could also be an intolerance issue with something else in your diet. You might want to give this a try and see if your immune system is attacking your bowels when you eat certian foods: www.alcat.com

Eoz's picture
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I don't have anything helpful to say other than to wish you luck! I'm sure everything will be fine, and I hope you come back and give us some good news about it!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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i once knew of a truck driver that dropped a load in Denver.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points
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Don't worry about it. As long as it's coming out easily and there's no pain you're fine

Will2003's picture
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Richard, what ever happened with your colonoscopy?

Poopsie-Daisy's picture
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Unfortunately, your flat poop indicates that you are an introvert with tight-ass qualities. My professional medical advice is this:

Stop clenching.

Survivor Man's picture
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I recently had my pancreas removed due to Carcinoid Cancer, additionally, the left lobe of my liver, spleen, appendix, and part of my intestines were removed. A week ago my prostate was removed due to Prostate Cancer. I am having painful spasms in my rectal area that started before my prostate surgery. I just thought they were related to the prostate cancer but my doctor said they weren't. Now a week after my surgery they are even more painful, but the new thing is that my poop is coming out flat. A year & a half ago I had a pre-cancerous polyp removed and a follow-up one 9 mos. ago showed a couple of internal hemorrhoids. Should I contact my doctor about these spasms and the new flat shape of my poop?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Jesus H. Christ Survivor Man. Is there anything left inside you? If I were you I'd see a doctor for anything out of the ordinary. Good luck to you.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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So I'm 39 female no history of colon cancer not that that matters in the least for my risk factors i'm sure but recently I went on the high fiber no carbs diet, no white flours or sugars, a lot of meat and eggs low fat cheese. I then proceeded to fall off the diet for a week and went back on it. Any ways I woke up yesterday and had the worst cramps all day like I had to poop, and for the first time I felt constipated so I kept trying and I would have little piece poop that I had to squeeze out. Now today I almost feel as if there's a blockage and still little bits of poop and a minimal almost no cramping. I am wondering if I'm just irregular from the diet changes or freaking out because i'm known to do that as well. Will I just become regular. I feel as if I might have a small hemorrhoid and there are specks of fresh blood when I wipe. Please no one make fun of me because
I am absolutely mortified to post this. Thanks cyndy

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Hey I'm 39, I feel like there's something up inside my ass. It hurts so bad to crap, if its hard crap it really hurts. I cry and my legs go numb and it comes out round with a trench cut out of it. If its soft it still hurts but comes out flat like a ribbon or square about quarter of a inch thick.

I also have incredible pain in my right hip area, it hurts so bad and my hip pops and the ilea bone vibrates. Also extreme pain in my left ball and pain like lighting or electricity shooting up the shaft of my penis. Also the lower right side of my back hurts so bad I can't stand up straight.

About 30 minutes or so after I eat, I get almost sick at my stomach and like the previous person sometimes I sit on the toilet feeling like pooh is stuck in my butt. After my legs go numb and I can no longer sit there, usually after 2 hours, nothing has come out. I also have a lot of pain in my neck and sever headaches and cramps, sever pains running down my right leg like lighting or electricity, also my left shoulder and arm have been numb for about 2 years. All the other stuff has been going on for 2 years as well but nobody ran any tests, they say it's fine just take this pill. It ain't helped and I'm getting worse.

Now the pain meds don't help, I'm taking 30mg roxy and 10/650 lorcet for break thru and they're no longer helping with the pain. I can take 3-30s and 4 lorcets and still be in extreme pain.

I'm not stupid something bad wrong has to be going on when the pills don't work right. Please tell more than my doctor has which is nothing, thank you early for your time.

God bless, from worthless in Arkansas.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Worthless in Arkansas, I would highly recommend that you visit another doctor for a second opinion. We are primarily a humor site but I can't think of anything humorous to say about your condition.

Best of luck to you.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points
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I hadn't given any thought to the profile of turds before seeing this post. Flat ones? Odd. I mean no disrespect to those of you who are using this thread to discuss serious health issues, but I am now wondering what other shapes people could poop out if they put their minds to it. Maybe I could go get a play-dough play set. You know, it has that press where you slide that plate with different shapes of holes in it over the opening where the play-dough comes out. I could be pooping out long, star-shaped turds in no time.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Speedpooper, Please cut and paste the following URL.

http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Turd_twister/twister.html


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

worthless in arkansas's picture
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thanks for the wonderfull advice im truly amazed your not a doctor with your guru healing words i should have known better than be honest with anyone again cause no one truly cares and to the person who said see another doctor thinks for the effort atleast you tried a lil more than the rest of the poohtards did i appreciate your time and allowing me to humilliate myself for nuthing keep up the good work you know yall have the power in your finger tips to do a good thing with this place but are to simple minded to see it maybe you should think about playing terd toss with the local monkeys at your nearest zoo dont waste another good site that could do some good for some people and waste that power on your weird twisted perversions think about it you are in control do right not wrong its easier god bless

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dear worthless, As I mentioned above, we are not doctors, we are participants on a website that is dedicated to poop humor.

If you were having stomach problems and thought a dietitian might be helpful would you go to the take-out window at McDonald's and ask for advice?

We have helped many people through the trials of colorectal cancer and a few other maladies that affect the human poop chute by offering support and humor.

I saw no disrespect offered by Speedpooper, the only poop reporter other than myself who commented after your original message was posted.

You lambasting of the site and calling us all simple minded was entirely uncalled for. I took the time to edit your first post and corrected the majority of your grammatical mistakes and misspelled words. I left your post above exactly as you wrote it, poor grammar, misspelled words and all.

Your problems are just more than a humor site can offer any advice for. Some of them sound like they could be life threatening. You really need to see another doctor, if you have no trust in the one you are seeing now you are wasting both his time and your money.

Once again, good luck to you.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Chief, I'm surprised that being from a border state, you can't speak the Arkansas language.

Or am I just being simple minded here?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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PD, I am fluent in Alabaman, Mississippish, and Georgiese, but even a large bulbous head like mine has a limit on how much wisdom it can hold.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Chief,I don't blame you for not being fluent in every state's dialect. I spent 8 years in South Carolina and I could never figure out what the hell they were saying.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

Speedpooper's picture
l 100+ points
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I think worthless is just going to die soon. I don't wish it upon him, but its the most likely outcome. To carry The Chief's analogy further, not only is this guy seeking dietetic advice from a McDonald's drive-thru, he's getting downright belligerent when they refuse and tell him he's come to the wrong place.

He just keeps insisting that if they really cared about being good people, that they would solve his problem. You're never going to get anything you need if you refuse to go to someone who is capable of providing that thing.

Even if there were 3 doctors reading his plea on this site, and they all wanted to help him, they would tell him that they can't treat him without examining and testing him in person.

The only serious advice which I could give him is: If you're taking that much narcotic pain medicine and it's not working, your judgement is impaired, and you are probably more prone to feeling depressed and hopeless than you would be if you were in your normal state of mind. Narcotics do eventually more or less quit working, trust me. The amount you need to relieve pain keeps rising and rising with continued use until you have to take so much that the side effects of the drugs get to be as bad as the pain.

You have essentially given up hope, and are turning to trully bizarre avenues to pursue help, like a website dedicated to making turd-jokes. You need to realize that giving a brief rundown of your medical history to a few total strangers is useless, and try to find other doctors, until you find one that gets it right.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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Worthless in Arkansas, I'm reminded of a story about a religios man. He had a baby daughter that was his world. At a very young age,she became very ill. He prayed to God for his daughter to be healthy once again,and did nothing else. His friends would come over and see her pain,and asked why she wasn't getting any medication. The father replied "God will take care of it." But his daughter's condition only got worse. The daughter's older sibling asked the father,"Why won't you do anything?" He replied,"God will take care of it." His daughter became more ill. The wife asked why they haven't done anything for their daughter. "God will take care of it." This happened in the course of about 4months. The poor baby daughter died. A week after the baby became ill,the new hospital two blocks away opened. Interperet it any way you want, but what I'm trying to say is that help is there,you just may not be listening to it. Please heed the advice given and go get a second opinion. I truly hope your affliction will end soon. Good luck.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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I wasn't going to say this, but since it seems my dear friend the Chief has had his reputation attacked, I feel I must jump in.
One time in the recent distance, a PR follower had a very bad accident. It seems he was cutting down a tree in his yard, when he slipped with the chain saw and severed both his arms. As if that wasn't bad enough, the falling tree landed right on him. Fortunately he was able to wriggle his Blackberry out of his pocket and text us a message with his nose.
Chief not only told him that he needed to get to a doctor, but only lightly lambasted his poor sentence structure and lack of punctuation as it was obvious he was typing in cramped quarters.
There I said it. I hope you don't mind Chief as I know you are a humble man and would not want people to consider you a hero.
No need to thank me also. (but I do like gin)