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The Axis of Asses: dividing the world by bathroom habits

Posted 12.16.2005 by Logjam
We PoopReporters frequently divide ourselves along the lines of standing vs. sitting wipers and as folders vs. scrunchers of toilet paper. But from an international perspective, these differences appear minor. Viewed by cultural outsiders, we appear as shitting siblings, trained to sit on the same toilets and to use the same specialized paper to clean our asses.

One such internationalist perspective on pooping is espoused by Junichi Hirata, vice president of the Japan Toilet Association. He sees the peoples of the world divided along two poop dimensions -- 1) Sitters vs. Squatters and 2) Wipers vs. Washers.

The domain of the Squatters roughly follows the sixteenth century boundaries of the Ottoman Empire (as shown on the map). Sitters occupy Western Europe and the land masses to which disgruntled Western Europeans have traditionally fled -- the Americas, Australia, and New Zealand. Squatters occupy the rest.

Mr. Hirata's analysis made me wonder whether the War on Terror is really a war on Squatters -- a war declared by the "Coalition of the Willing" (who are Sitting Wipers), and protested by hold-outs and contrarians, the minority Sitting Washers. If it boils down to this, then one solution to the current mess might be to offer to replumb the entire Islamic world -- thus converting them to Sitters -- while at the same time sending everyone in the Coalition of the Willing a free bidet, converting them to Washers.

Admittedly, the plan is a bit naïve -- which by itself should qualify it for serious consideration. But let me also point out that this plan, too, provides ample opportunity for profiteering by greedy contractors. But the best part of the plan is that even if it didn't work, at least everyone would feel -- and smell -- a whole lot better.

Show some poop support, or make a poop retort.
Dave (11561) -- 12.16.2005

That's a really insightful article. I don't think his Ottoman Empire example is accurate, though -- as far as I know, sitters reign across the whole of Asia. Also, the borders are both fuzzy and subject to change -- the pooping habits of Eastern Europe have shifted decisively to Sitting in the last couple of decades. But that is globalism in action -- the spread of capitalism and American values has been accompanied by the spread of Sitters.

Nevertheless: very interesting article. And good analysis by Logjam -- although I think Americans would live healthier lives if we both squatted and washed.

La Petomaine (71) -- 12.29.2005

Hmmm...I'm writing a story that involves a fictional province in what is now Romania. For authenticity, perhaps I should have a scene where my characters are squatting to take Ye Olde Crappe? And what would they have cleaned up with afterwards? Rags, I suppose. Perhaps I must do further research!
Have a crappy day!
La Petomaine

Jeff Crowder (not verified) -- 01.02.2006

Fantastic idea. The world needs more understanding of how everyone poops. Check out my blog, I've got some good poop/toilet stories there. http://summit-fever.blogspot.com/

healthy 1 (1421) -- 12.16.2006

Very good, and informative article Logjam.

There are so many different styles to toilets and methods of how excrete is treated, along with a myraid of pooping habits in different cultures.
_______
"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

The Big Wiper (2240) -- 12.16.2006

The term 'squatter's rights' has its origins in the American West when certain territories that were not yet states offered free parcels of land to settlers if they would live on and develop them.

It was pretty much a first come, first-served proposition, and many of the settlers who moved into these territories to claim land literally 'squatted' there to outlast other settlers. No doubt, facilities were crude in the beginning once a homestead was established. But even before an outhouse could be built, these settlers needed to 'squat.'

So in this instance 'squatting' has some relevance to the Western World, as opposed to Third World countries.
_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

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