I believe that most people have two totally different personalities. I feel that most of us spend a big part of our days walking around acting like we're friendly, polite, politically correct people -- while on the inside we are really thinking our true thoughts. For example: if an old woman bumps into you and then apologizes, you might say, "Oh, that's OK." But on the inside you are really thinking, "Watch out, you stupid old bitch!" Or maybe when the vice president of the corporation you work for is telling a pathetic joke around the water cooler you will just stand there laughing while thinking to yourself, "Shut up you fucking asshole and die!"
This being said, I believe the Internet, with its forums, chat rooms and the like, is one of the greatest things ever invented. People are now able to hide behind their PC screens and speak their true minds. You are likely to find the most two-faced cyber freaks on porno sites. These guys lead straight-laced professional lives by day, but surf for movies and pictures of anally gang-raped teens as their wife and kids sleep in the next room. (But never fear... all in forgiven after church services the next day.)
One of the most controversial websites I have ever come across is PoopReport.com. This is a website about dropping a loaf and every topic surrounding that act. Pooping is a taboo and disgusting subject to many, a funny subject to others, and an uninteresting or unmentionable function to the rest of the population. I, of course, shit like everyone else, and have no problem discussing this. I will shamelessly fart or shit in front of close friends and family. But in public, especially at work, I have historically been very shameful about my shit.
I first stumbled upon PoopReport in early 2001, so early in the site's history that the PoopReport Forums weren't even up and running yet. The site seemed funny to me. At this time in my cyber trolling career I had only terrorized generic chat rooms, mostly posing as a hot chick to get a dude all worked up, and then coming clean to piss him off. When the forums debuted in September, 2001, there were only a handful of us participating, and basically each of them accepted anything I said and did. I don't know if it was because they understood me or if it was because we were such a small group on a site dedicated to talking about taking a dump. I mean, what can you expect? You wouldn't find normal people on a shit site.
I became a popular figure on the site. I coined the phrase "Shameful Shitter." And I felt that my shit didn't stink -- I thought I could do whatever I wanted and it would be tolerated. But as time went on, PoopReport increased in popularity, and the founder of the site realized that it was something special and it was going places. PoopReport became more mainstream. And Doniker became more of a nuisance and a joke.
I couldn't and wouldn't conform to the rules, and I was finally banned for good in October of 2004, at what I believe was the peak of my story telling. But it was for the best -- and PoopReport has carried on to be bigger, better, and greater than ever.
It is now December, 2005, and a lot has happened in the last year. I lost my job of eight+ years in March; but now I have an exciting new position with a lot of potential for growth. I work in downtown Cleveland and it's great. And one of my co-workers is the most Shameless Shitter in the world -- and believe me, I have been trying my hardest to be Shameless as well.
My boss is pretty cool -- a little strange, but who isn't? He has worked for this company for twenty-three years and is very familiar with all the neighborhood eateries. His favorite is a place called Otto Mossers; he is friends with the owner and eats there very regularly.
On my first day on the job he took me to Otto's for lunch. He got the special -- fish -- and I got the pastrami. The food sucked and I got the shits. A month later it was my birthday, so my boss told me he would take me to lunch. Of course we went to Otto's. My boss got the special -- spaghetti and sausage -- and I got a chicken cordon blue sandwich. The bread was stale and it, too, sucked. I didn't get the shits this time, but the meal made me a little nauseous.
Upon talking to other coworkers, I found out that my boss takes his employees out quarterly and on their birthdays. He always goes to Otto's -- he loves the place. A guy I work with told me that he got the shits after several visits to Otto's and has sworn off the place. He told me he last ate the "Hot o' Otto" -- hot peppers with Italian meats -- and suffered for two days.
Two weeks ago, my boss asked me what I was doing for lunch, saying, "Hey, it's a new quarter, let's go to Otto's." And of course I couldn't refuse. I got a Reuben with fries on the side, as did my boss, since they were out of the special -- pot roast. Each sandwich came with a basket of greasy fries that could feed eight people.
You guessed it: I got the shits big time that night. Actually, I felt ill before my boss even paid the check. I guess I have a lot of Otto Mosser's meals in my future; but I have to be politically correct and go along with the program as I suffer inside... life is a bitch.
So I am back on PoopReport, here simply to tell my stories so fellow PoopReporters can read and enjoy them. (And I have many stories to tell, including that of my co-worker, the most Shameless Shitter in the world.) I have tried to make amends with those I've offended. Even with all my abusive behavior, the regular long-term PoopReporters seem to have basically accepted my apologies, or now at least understand why I did the things I did. I rarely participate on forums and chat rooms anymore; I don't have the time or interest. To me, chatting online is like sitting in a bar -- just babbling nonsense. I look back at my bar days when I was single and spending many hours with the main objective to pick up chicks. Now that I am married, I go to a bar and get bored in five minutes.
But after five years, there is one website I just can't quit: and that's PoopReport.com.
