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The Poo Bride

Posted 11.22.2005 by Rev Dan (72)
When it comes to poo, Pete is the opposite of me. Where I would refuse to go, he would; where I would be quiet, he would make a point of making a lot of noise. In short, he is the most shameless shitter in existence. One of the first memories I have of him is at a party deciding that it would be a damn good idea to lay a cable on a quite active fire outside. This in itself is not unusual for Pete -- I've seen him shit and piss into many containers, such as the famous "danger piss" into a freezer in a supermarket; somehow, that time, he didn't get caught.

This time, he had just started to force out the turd on to the fire; but, due to the fire being, well, on fire, flames were licking his arsehole, singing his ass hair. His yelps could be heard from all around, drawing a crowd from the party and beyond. This in itself did not bother him until he glanced upwards towards next door and saw two little girls. Two little girls watching him from their bedroom window. For the first time a look of shame graced his face. But then it was replaced by determination -- if he is going shit in front of an audience, young and old, he might as well put on a good show. He pushed and pushed until a log fell and flecks of fecal matter sputtered out like an old car starting in the winter. The log sizzled like a sausage in the fire. Smoke began to rise and suddenly it was like being in the middle of a bull run with what seemed like hundreds of people trying to run away from the smell of the brown bull of Barcelona.

For Pete, that was normal behavior.

So how does Eric fit into this story?

For a long period of time, Eric used to relentlessly say, "Shit happens and then you marry one," whenever, to him, that phrase seemed necessary. Getting sick of this, me and my friends decided that yes, shit does happen, and yes, Eric will marry one. Thus the Poo Bride was born.

We told Eric that he was getting married. Since I am an ordained reverend (thanks to the great people at Universal Life Church of California), I was to be performing the ceremony the following Thursday. Eric was told that his wife was a surprise; no matter how much he asked about it, nobody would give any clue as to who (or what) she was.

Immediately Pete decided that he wasn't going shit until next Thursday, when he would effectively give birth to the Poo Bride. He altered his diet accordingly: in the final days before the ceremony he consistently ate whole nuts, sweet corn, and many other indigestible items. If Eric is going marry a shit, the shit has got to have character.

The entire week preceding the ceremony we were all bombarded with questions from Eric regarding his bride. Some were easier to answer or ignore than others, but it's very hard not laugh when he asked things like, "So where does she come from?" "Do any of you know her?" and, "She better not look like shit -- if I'm gonna get married, she may as well make an effort." And especially when he mutters the now immortal line of "shit happens and then you marry one" -- trying to suppress a giggle was harder than trying not to fart after a curry.

Finally the wedding day arrived. Eric was blindfolded and taken to a secret location (read: our old college car park) while Pete was in a supermarket toilet giving birth to Eric's bride and getting her into her dress. After the event, the shit was described as "the most painful thing I have ever done in my life -- even more so than getting my ass waxed and my nipple pierced. Man, those nuts cut my ass to ribbons." I felt his pain -- I too know how bad it is not to shit for a week. All I could do was nod in empathy.

Yan, Eric's best man, was reassuring him, telling him that it's alright and if he thinks she's shit then he can get a divorce. Ironically, Eric was nearly shitting himself. As the makeshift wedding carriage arrived there was a great sense of anticipation in the air.

Everybody exited the car towards Eric. No woman was to be seen.

"What's going on?" Eric asked. "I thought I was marrying someone today? And what's that smell?" Eric didn't see the open shoebox behind Pete's back until Pete showed him his bride.

"Look!" exclaimed a giddy, almost hysterical Pete. "It's your bride!"

Words can not do justice to what was in the box. A very chunky stick figure, with peanuts for eyes, finer poo for hair, even brown breasts, encased in a wedding dress made of the finest toilet rolls Tesco had to offer, all topped off with a veil of what looked like silk (but turned out to be a single ply of toilet paper).

To say Eric's face dropped is like saying Iraq was only slightly bombed.

"What. The. Fuck! I AM NOT GOING TO MARRY A SHIT!"

"But she's so pretty! And you've always said, ‘shit happens and then you marry one!' See, your dream has come true!"

While this was going on I was busy reading the vows and performing the ceremony, tricking Eric into saying, "I do." He really only started listening when I said the line, "You may now kiss the bride." He gave me a look as if I came into his house on Christmas Day and pissed on his parents.

"You can fuck off if I kissing that!"

"But she loves you! And anyway, you're married now."

With that he lost it. He punted the box -- and the bride -- into the air. People ran and screamed, dodging the rain of the Poo Bride. As the fecal matter settled on the floor, somebody shouted, "Whoa, you just kicked the shit out of your wife! Married for a minute and already you had a domestic!"

Eric did not see the funny side of this.

All in all, it had everything a wedding needed -- a nervous groom, a beautiful bride, and a fight. And to this day, Eric has never again said, "Shit happens and then you marry one."



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slopjockey (11) -- 11.22.2005

What the Hell??

CC (not verified) -- 11.22.2005

Who thinks this is a real story?You claim to be an ordained reverend.You are married to a man who poops on a fire in front of children.You allow him to piss in a supermarket freezer.You then play a sick scat joke on Eric.

Dave (11451) -- 11.22.2005

Although there's nothing TOO farfetched in it if you accept the idea that someone would decorate a poop in a toilet paper wedding dress for the sake of a practical joke, what gives this story credibility in my eyes is that the author is a respected and relatively prolific PoopReporter from the days of yore. Rev Dan used to be known simply as Dan (he changed his PoopReport name) and back in 2003 and 2004 he wrote quite a few well-received stories.

As for the ordained minister part: anyone can get that on the Internet. It's real -- Hairy Pooter got ordained so he could officiate my wedding. All perfectly legal.

Logjam (2289) -- 11.22.2005

And sorry, CC, but where did you get the idea that Dan and Pete are married? He said nothing about living in Massachusetts or SF.

C Everett Poop (560) -- 11.22.2005

C Everett Poop has a saying too. "Fake"

Nice try

PooperGal (527) -- 11.22.2005

Did this happen in the UK?
Great story, whether for real or fiction. Only really good friends could pull off a stunt like this.

As for peeing in supermarket freezers, I draw the line where innocent bystanders are involved. Yesterday's paper had a story about a teenager who pee'd into an ice machine at his school, and many kids used the ice before the prank was discovered.

Pooping into a fire, si. Peeing into ice that is going to be consumed or used to store food, no.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Glutgut (not verified) -- 11.22.2005

Super DUPER fake. However it was well authored and entertaining.

cc (not verified) -- 11.22.2005

Duh!My bad!I should have read the name of the story teller.When I read the first paragraph I thought it was about a couple comparing their pooping habits.I should have realized it was about 2 male friends.I will sentence myself to 30 days of discount toilet paper.

Rev Dan (72) -- 11.22.2005

I am not at all suprised that some people think that this story is a fake, to be honest, after the events i had to question what happened, as well as pete's own sanity.
nether the less the story is true and to answer some questions, yes i am an ordained Reverend of the United Life Church of California, i have been since 2002 where i have perfromed many (illegal) marriages to friends, yes the danger piss in the supermarket was too far, even for pete, that was the first and last time he did anything that would impact on the general public in that way.
We are all good friends of Eric and still are to this day, like PooperGal said, only really good friends could pull of a stunt like this.
I know that me telling you that these events actually did happen won't make too much of a difference to some people on this site, but I am more glad that you enjoyed it more than anything else, after all it is better that you question the authenticity of the story than criticise the story for being rubbish.

runninggrrl2 (170) -- 11.22.2005

Some people will do just about anything for attention, including pooping in a box and making it into a bride-doll-made-of-crap to play a funny joke on a friend. Sounds like something my husband's stupid roomies would have done in college. Did Eric ever recite that phrase again? I'm bettin' not.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Courier (not verified) -- 11.22.2005

Three minutes of my life wasted reading this story, never to get that time back.

daphne (3202) -- 11.22.2005

You do realize that someone is probably going to forward this entire tale to your church, don't you? Peeing into a freezer in a supermarket is disgusting and probably not endorsed by Jesus. I don't know what to say......hugging bunnies since 1969

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 11.22.2005

I'm confused as to what Eric ACTUALLY expected to happen...a real wedding? Arranged by his friends a week in advance? Not possibly a practical joke?
stoopid story....

Winnie the Poo (74) -- 11.22.2005

I agree with courier, only I spent a little more time as I could not believe this was actually published. Call me a prude, but dressing a turd as a bride, and peeing in a supermarket freezer are big no-no's for my taste.

Winnie the Poo (74) -- 11.22.2005

Would have been a lot funnier if it had been about a poop experience in the honeymoon or something... wait!!! flashback... I got one of those...

Gaseous G (not verified) -- 11.23.2005

I stopped reading after "the famous "danger piss" into a freezer in a supermarket".

Have we no jails? Are they full? Can't we release a few murderers to make room for this guy?

SamDamnit (1191) -- 11.23.2005

I believe it. I don't think he is talking out of his ass. However, peeing in the supermarket freezer, makes him a total douchebag. I shit you not.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://groups.myspace.com/THECHURCHOFPOOP

daphne (3202) -- 11.23.2005

You should shit us. We tend to constipate.................hugging bunnies since 1969

Billy Bob Schpadoinkle (not verified) -- 11.23.2005

Who was the maid of honor?

anal explosion (4) -- 11.23.2005

Funny but almost unbelievable.
Anal Explosion

Rev Dan (72) -- 11.24.2005

there was no maid of honour, even though pete wes willing to shit into a shoebox and mould it into a 'bride' nobody was willing to be a bridesmaid, it turns out some of us have some pride.
the sad thing is, this is almost considered 'normal' behaviour for Pete.
When he lived with his friend alf he went through a period of shitting and flushing the toilet paper in a different bowl just so alf could 'appreciate' for lack of a better word his efforts. This lasted quite a while until he near enough had to be escorted to the tiolet with alf making sure he flushed both the poo and paper.
He also recently bought a 'turd twister' which is basically a play doh fun factory for your ass, he hasnt been able to use it yet since he says it doesnt fit, which is suprising considering the amount of waste that leaves his body.

Bunga Din (1237) -- 11.24.2005

Just the name Billy Bob Schpadoinkle has me laughing, well done.

DungDaddy (1341) -- 11.25.2005

This is singularly the most bizarre tale yet on poop report.

Jobber (not verified) -- 11.27.2005

I've read a lot of very strange things that people will do with a turd, and this seems so far fetched as to be believable! Not something I would either approve off or ever want to be party to myself !!! I did however read of a case a few years ago in the UK where some teenaged girls on their last day at school did a couple of big fat logs in a cardboard box , gift wrapped it and left it as "present" for a very unpopular male teacher who had given them a tough time. As they were no longer under the school's control when he opened it they could not be disciplined.

As for someone peeing in supermarket freezers, filthy, a danger to health, probably a criminal offence and you would deserve to get an electric shock if the stream of urine came in contact with any live electrics.

Fart Poopie (1256) -- 11.27.2005

I agree that peeing in a supermarket freezer is a stupid, and dangerous, thing to do. However, some of you need to lighten up. The Poop Bride was a prank, one I could see many of the men I know (husband included) pulling on their friends back in their day. I don't see a reason to question the authenticity of this story.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 11.29.2005

Heh, I like that people who are on a website entitled "THE POOP REPORT" are complaining about the story being tasteless. Also, I don't see why peeing in the freezer is that big of a deal. Urine is relatively sterile, and all the frozen foods are packaged. Jeez.

Great comment! +2 points
daphne (3202) -- 11.29.2005

Then, let's all go over the "Anonymous Coward"'s house and piss in his freezer. He's OK with it.

I'm sure your home is lovely.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

In The Bushes (111) -- 11.29.2005

I don't care whether the story was made up; it was entertaining nonetheless. Sometimes reality gets old and we have to look to the surreal for truly unique experiences. I enjoyed it.

lionheart237 (1) -- 12.02.2005

thats a great story haha!

EDDIE
pooping since 1979

L Wrong Hubbard (216) -- 12.08.2005

Lame.
But I do think some sick people would decorate poop and play with it. I mean, I just read about a guy eating viles of crack from his bedpan

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

The Dumpster (2507) -- 01.13.2006

We have another thread going about "turd terrorists." I would say Pete is Public Enemy #1....

The only reason I think this story is true is because no one in their right mind would make up something that gross and claim to be associated with it. I mean, who would ever want to be around these people again?

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 02.07.2006

this story is neither funny nor true - like the previous anonymous coward said, the author never explains why the friend was going along with the blind date wedding in the first place. which defies credibility. in my learned opinion, the amusing tales of scatology have rather to do with the accidental, the embarrassing, the inappropriate, the unfortunate, but in its effort to be outrageous, this tale veers away from the mere prankish and demonstrates a disturbing preoccupation with deliberate acts of vandalism by bodily wastes. it has a kind of bad-tempered edge to it that i find morbid and unfunny. pissing in someone's face, for example, is only usually funny, if it can ever be said to be funny, if it happens by virtue of a freakish accident and possibly involving a person of high rank, and in front of several hundred witnesses. but it's not funny if someone were to just walk up to you and deliberately piss in your face. just like smearing shit on walls isn't funny, whereas inconveniently passing a hefty beast of a bm while 30 people wait for the toilet at your cousin's wedding, is. I know some will say I have crap taste, but at least I don't have Coprophagia. ;-) I give this story a C-.

3flusher (45) -- 02.15.2006

I liked the story,especially the campfire part.
That was a really dangerous stunt. What Balls!

Kangapoo (3) -- 02.18.2006

Some people just have WAAAAAAAY too much spare time

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 02.18.2006

Daphne--"I'm sure your home is lovely"...THAT had me spitting chickenoodle all over the place! Roflmho.

And Kangapoo--I guess you make time for what you love. :)

The Great Brown Blob (not verified) -- 05.29.2006

I totally agree with Anonymous Coward!!! The story was extremely funny....I actually lost my breath from laughing so hard at the description of the stick poo bride. I further think that peeing in the freezer at a supermarket isn't as bad as everyone is making it out to be. I am sure that NONE of YOU have ever done anything as equally bad, or worse!!! WHATEVER!!! GROW UP!!! WE KNOW U AREN'T POPE JOHN PAUL FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!
_______________________________________________
STILL SHITTING!!!

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 05.30.2006

No need to yell, sweetie. You do know Pope John Paul II (as well as PJP I for that matter) has gone on to his Reward, don't you? There's a new Sheriff in Vatican City.

I think that when the guy went along with the "blind wedding", it must have been more along the lines of when your friends "kidnap" you in the middle of the night. You know they've set something up, but you go along with it because they're your wacky group of friends! I don't think he REALLY thought he was coming away from the evening with a wife.

_______
Santa Caca!

The Dumpster (2507) -- 05.30.2006

Unlike Pope Benedict, this story doesn't get any better with age.

The Shit Volcano (3540) -- 05.30.2006

"Eric did not see the funny side..."

Neither did I. This sounds like a story I might have made up as a kid on "Radio Poo", recorded on my cassette player. And at least those made me laugh a little.

I don't know what I find less funny. The pissing in the freezer. The shitting bare assed in front of a couple of children. The jokes about abusing wives. Plus, the story is so full of holes it's like a bunch of rabbit pellet turds crammed together.

This story is so unfunny that it actually rates in the top ten most horrible. Right up there with the The Birds and the Shats and that one where the cow supposedly kills a cat by shitting on it.

_______
A mind is a terrible thing to toast, unless you use a little butter.

The Dumpster (2507) -- 05.30.2006

TSV writes: "This sounds like a story I might have made up as a kid on 'Radio Poo'...."

Do I smell a story here?

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 06.05.2007


_I wept for 2 minutes....too funny!!______
Producing waste since 1967

My Lil Poo (4) -- 06.27.2007

Wow... you seriously tried to marry eric with a piece to poo. i really dont see how this was funny. I mean, some really sick things happened here( some in front of children). Well it was an ok story (although i still question its truthy-ness), but i probably wont read it again for a laugh.

Bettie has the runs (16) -- 06.28.2007


_"Man, those nuts cut my ass to ribbons." I am going to have to steal that line. It was my favorite part. Why'd Eric have to be such a party pooper?____
I'm here to prove that girls poop.

Blind Mullet (138) -- 04.21.2008

...I suspect that Rev. Dan is a soap-dodging Pommy, and as such, has a) a healthy imagination, b) a taste for the bizarre, c) a group of friends who are bent.
Mind you, none of these things are necessarily bad...
Except being a soap-dodger.

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