Over the years, my brother and I have learned to take all of this in stride; but it has caused logistical problems for us from time to time. A couple of seasons ago, we had him up for a college football weekend only to discover that he was in the midst of one of these fad diets. This one was similar to the Atkins diet. It basically contained no fiber at all -- just tons and tons of meat. He claimed that he was going to drop those fifteen pesky pounds that had been haunting him for years, and in his zeal, threatened us with extra copies of the brochures, which we politely refused.
Then came game day. Time to head to the stadium early, to get a good parking space and enjoy all the pre-game festivities. We had loaded up the van and were ready to cruise, but at the last minute Dad had to visit the bathroom.
We waited. And waited. And then waited some more.
Finally, I went back into the house and talked to him through the crack in the bathroom door. "I can't get it out," he explained. "But I won't be able to walk around unless I do. I'm just too uncomfortable." His fabulous meat-only regimen had created a BM so hard, compact and bereft of fiber that it just wouldn't budge, and no amount of pushing or grunting seemed to be working. With an eye to the clock, I asked him how much longer he thought he would be.
"I don't know," he answered. "But I'll think of something."
So my brother and I waited out in the carport some more. Another fifteen minutes passed until finally he emerged, noting the displeasure on our faces.
"You boys have got to understand that when you get older, sometimes things don't work the way they used to. I ended up having to dig out a bunch of little balls with my fingers. Don't worry -- I washed up, several times."
That image haunted me all the way to the stadium. It stayed with me until I finally got into the game and was able to take my mind off his nugget digging. But on the way back home, I decided to broach the cause of his plight.
"I think maybe you ought to reconsider your diet, Dad. It's obviously stopped you up pretty damn good. You ought to think about adding some fruits and veggies back to your menu, and forget about these dietary shortcuts. That is, unless you want to keep probing for poop."
That elicited a genuine laugh from him, breaking the tension. He saw the folly of his ways and discontinued his latest fad that very day. That hasn't prevented him, however, from jumping on a few other alternative health bandwagons since. But at least the most recent ones haven't embargoed his shipping channel and damned his torpedoes. A little common sense goes a long way -- especially when you add some fiber to it.