You're probably saying to yourself, "What the hell does this have to do with poop?" Well, believe me, my friend, everything in my world can be related to poop. I'm just that sophisticated.
Anyways, my favorite cereal of all time is BooBerry. Hands down. If a box of BooBerry had female sex organs, I'd marry it and live a happy life. (If you are a box of BooBerry with female organs, please feel free to email me [1].) So what's better than eating cereal? Eating it while watching kick-ass cartoons on a Saturday morning!
Well, at one particular time there was a sale on BooBerry at the market (a god-sent miracle!). I ended up buying eight boxes. The following Saturday couldn't have come to soon. I retrieved my large mixing bowl, my color-changing cereal spoon, a gallon of milk and four boxes of my coveted BooBerry. It was 7:00 am and time for "The Roadrunner & Wile E. Coyote Show." I plopped myself down, served myself a heaping bowl full of BooBerry and began to enjoy.
Well, before I knew it, it was 10:30 am. After being caught up in the excitement of the morning's program scheduling and my heroin-like sugar high, I finally started to notice my surroundings: an empty bowl with a few drops of blue milk in it, a spoon in between the couch cushions, a gallon jug of milk with about 1/10 of it's contents remaining, and four boxes of BooBerry... THREE EMPTY AND THE FOURTH HALF FULL! Holy shit! Did I consume all of that and not realize it?!
I got up to relieve my bladder. NOW I realized it. After taking a LONG whiz, I went to my comfy bed and collapsed, bloated belly and all.
I awoke around two in the afternoon and realized I had forgotten some work I needed to take care of. The rest of my day was full due to my schedule and the fact that I had lots on my mind (this is relevant later). I finished up my daily events and arrived home about 6:30 PM.
That's when it hit me. First, a low rumbling, then a sound similar of a cat in heat, followed by a sudden powerful plunge of pressure below my abdomen. This was serious.
My girlfriend was in the bathroom at the time so I screamed, "HONEY! I'M ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH! GET ME SOME FORCEPS, HOT WATER & A GOOD MAGAZINE!!" She blew me off, thinking I was kidding, so I picked the lock on the bathroom door and practically ripped her from the toilet seat (she was not pleased with this). She was only going #1 and daintily patting herself with a wad of toilet paper... she was almost done anyways.
I slammed the door shut after grabbing the newspaper and sat down. Ahhh, finally I was set... or at least I thought so. I began to push... nothing. AGAIN! Nothing. My gut was in extreme pain. I knew there was a brown infant in there trying to get out, but it wouldn't budge!
I threw down the newspaper, grabbed hold of the sink with one hand and the windowsill with the other and pushed like I never pushed before. I pushed as if I was pushing on the door of a locked room with a guy named Harold wearing a french tickler and swim goggles saying "Is you is, or is you ain't my baby!"
Just as the veins in my forehead were about to burst, the tip emerged. I pushed some more. Slowly it started its departure, gaining momentum like the space shuttle taking off. It was on its way and my cornhole felt like it had expanded to about 5 inches in diameter!
It kept going. I had to stand up to make room for the tail end. Whew! It was finally over. Sweat pouring off my brow, sore muscles and a bright red throbbing anus... but at least it was over.
I don't know about you, but I always look at my dearly departed before flushing. I turned around to look. I couldn't believe my eyes! Before me sat a three inch in diameter, eleven inch long... BooBerry! I mean this thing was BRIGHT BLUE! Amazing!
At first I was scared. I was thinking, "What in God's name did I eat that was BLUE?" -- not remembering my hearty breakfast. I called over my girlfriend to observe. She took one look and left the bathroom. I started shouting, "Honey, what's wrong with me...it's BLUE!" She returned with three empty boxes of BooBerry. "Um... I... uh... I was... I was hungry?" She looked at me in disgust and left. At least the mystery was solved.
My only regret besides having an asshole that swayed in the breeze was that I did not have a camera handy. It really was an incredible sight!
I think I'll try to take a Frankenturd next. Pink is so pretty!
-- Ass Phlegm [2]
Like Ass Phlegm? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [3]!