grrrlfrnnnnd: so????
Auto response from mastercrapper:I am singing the body electric, except the power's out.
mastercrapper: oh sorry
mastercrapper: didn't realize the message was on
mastercrapper: i'm chunking away
grrrlfrnnnnd: doing good stuff?
grrrlfrnnnnd: to make your woman proud?
mastercrapper: still breaking through the overtures
mastercrapper: waiting for the main event
mastercrapper: there's a child up in there, and i'm gonna save it
grrrlfrnnnnd: good for you honey.
mastercrapper: if you were a parent and i were a three-year-old, you'd be praising me, but you'd be fearing me too
grrrlfrnnnnd: i fear for our children
mastercrapper: i feel anxiety leaving the building
grrrlfrnnnnd: why??
mastercrapper: because the immense weight inside me is being ejected
grrrlfrnnnnd: well, once it's gone, you have nothing more to fear
mastercrapper: it wasn't excitement -- it was an overstuffed bag of poo in my chute
grrrlfrnnnnd: that much??
mastercrapper: starfy is choking back tears
grrrlfrnnnnd: oh god.
mastercrapper: and this one stinks so bad it's like "Death of Spock" in here right now
grrrlfrnnnnd: please keep the fan on when you exit.
mastercrapper: yes, of course.
grrrlfrnnnnd: thank you sweetie.
mastercrapper: it's been nice...
mastercrapper: i don't know if i'm going to ever see the outside again
grrrlfrnnnnd: don't give up hope honey!
mastercrapper: it's just that when there are so many tragedies in the world, i have a hard time thinking this is going to turn out right
grrrlfrnnnnd: so, it's the master?
mastercrapper: yes, i'm afraid so
mastercrapper: and he's angry
mastercrapper: tumid, furious and proud. like a bucking bronco stuffed into a magic lamp
grrrlfrnnnnd: will you be okay?
grrrlfrnnnnd: maybe you'll need a pint of guiness.
mastercrapper: i think guinness was part of the problem
mastercrapper: i should rename my sphincter "St. James Gate."
grrrlfrnnnnd: hehe
mastercrapper: you know, i have to stuff my dick into the bowl and cross my legs to hold the laptop on my lap
mastercrapper: so i can't open fully up
mastercrapper: and fire out the big guns
grrrlfrnnnnd: put down the computer honey.
mastercrapper: i've tried putting the laptop on one thigh at a time
grrrlfrnnnnd: just put it down.
mastercrapper: but it's my only glimpse of the outside world
mastercrapper: i want to know i'm going to be safe when i finish the standoff
grrrlfrnnnnd: i'll keep up on things for you.
mastercrapper: if there were only a window, or a respirator...
grrrlfrnnnnd: yeah, that bathroom really does suck.
mastercrapper: i know. i want a bidet.
grrrlfrnnnnd: open the door, i won't come up.
mastercrapper: no, if i open the door, it will be like that scene in ghostbusters when all the evil gets out and infiltrates new york
mastercrapper: the dog is going to start belching vomit
mastercrapper: and you will be covered in scales
grrrlfrnnnnd: really that bad??
grrrlfrnnnnd: that came out of nowhere!
mastercrapper: no, sweetheart, it came out of me.
mastercrapper: it's the dr. jekyll mr. hyde thing
mastercrapper: on the outside, i'm your big strong groovy dude. but i'm rotten inside. so, so rotten.
mastercrapper: i think a colonic might be in order.
mastercrapper: i wonder how much meat has meshed with the espresso grinds to create a concrete-like compound...
mastercrapper: ... are you ever even going to kiss me again?
grrrlfrnnnnd: um, yes?
mastercrapper: this is sort of like women who write to prisoners, isn't it... kind of twisted like that?
grrrlfrnnnnd: i hadn't thought of it that way.
mastercrapper: well, obviously there's something you love about me besides my situation.
mastercrapper: bald, bloated and reeking of death...
grrrlfrnnnnd: can i do anything for you?
grrrlfrnnnnd: do you need some water to sip? ice chips to suck on?
mastercrapper: i was thinking a sandwich for sustenance :-)
grrrlfrnnnnd: i can make a mighty fine turkey sandwich
mastercrapper: hmm...this kind of isn't really the time or place to discuss it, but do you ever eat on the shitter?
grrrlfrnnnnd: never.
grrrlfrnnnnd: i'm never on it for that long honey
mastercrapper: i want a swedish masseuse to punch my stomach to knock the tar out of my tooshie
grrrlfrnnnnd: it's not coming out easily?
mastercrapper: i've been beating on it for like five minutes and i can't wrest it loose.
grrrlfrnnnnd: hang in there.
mastercrapper: i think i may walk away and live to fight another day... gonna have to put down the laptop for the wiping...
grrrlfrnnnnd: please...
mastercrapper: ooooohhhhh.
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