For part of the time that I was in college, I lived in a house with three other dudes. The house only had one bathroom. Needless to say, it was really busy there in the mornings. One semester, everybody had an early (8:00) class, so everyone had to "shave, shower and shit" at some point before the day could begin.

We had a "open door" policy at the house when there weren't any guests around. That meant that no one would close the bathroom door no matter what he was doing, even if he was taking a shit. Beyond that, a guy was considered a weenie if he had to shit with the door closed. We were all "brothers" and this encouraged all of us to be shameless shitters.

So I would get into the bathroom at about 7:15, and there would always be a roomie on the pot. Usually the same guy, but not always. I would usually make some comment about his "ass being cemented to the seat," to which there was a response like "dude, I gotta take a big one," but I didn't really blame him. There was a "first come, first served" policy at the house, and the dude had a total right to take his morning shit without much grief.

By this time dude number two would just be getting out of the shower, and so I decide to shower and take a dump later at the Humanities building where I have my first class. The walk across campus would further intensify the need to take a crap, so I tried to hurry. Often times when I got there I would run into a friend of mine who was taking the same class.

After some talk about how fucking early it was to "listen to some asinine bullshit about world civilizations," I would usually state my first priority of having to "take a really mean shit before going to class." My friend would say something like "fuck yeah man, I've had to shit since I fuckin' got up." So, we headed for the shitters, looking forward to a much needed bowel movement.

By the time we got to the men's room, we were already late for class. Usually I noted the situation, but my friend, being the shameless shitter that he is, would comment on how much more important it was to "drop a load" rather than be on time for a "fucking stupid class." I would say "Hey dude, I'm with you. I couldn't hold this fucker in for an hour and a half anyway."

So we would get into the stalls. I talked about how great it was to be in school where no one cared if you had to take a shit during "business hours." I remember having to wait to take a dump when I worked in a factory one summer. It really sucked. My friend said "yeah dude, I worked for a guy who wouldn't let us take a dump before 10:00 AM, and the shift started at 7:00!" I said I'd fuckin' quit that job. And so he did, for that reason.

So we sat in the shithouse for fifteen or twenty minutes taking our shameless shits; you could hear the crackling sounds, the farts and the sighs of relief that came from our respective cubicles, while we talked and bullshited about college stuff. Sometimes dudes would leave the newspaper, or the school paper in the stalls and we would make fun of college people and policies and stuff.

My friend was a real shameless shitter, because he would tell me all about his dump, and even about how it felt to wipe his ass. I would usually comment on how great is was to take a dump in the morning, especially with someone who wasn't ashamed of the natural function of having a bowel movement. The toilet paper was thin and rough, and we both had to use a lot, but it was fun just the same. Then we would flush our toilets and reluctantly go to class, late as usual.

Sometimes people would ask where I was, to which I responded: "taking a fuckin' big shit, man!" The responses were varied, but I could see the envy on some dudes faces when I told them. One guy actually said to me one day that he should have been taking a shit too!

I miss those days.

-- Jonathan