My dad and I loved peppers. We always had some on hand -- we would put them on sandwiches and salads. Eaten in moderation, they were OK. On this day I was involved with a rather intense game of Wing Commander. I threw some peppers on a plate and had already eaten two on the way back to my armchair cockpit to do battle with the evil Kilrathi to save the universe.
Three hours had gone by, and two more trips back to the fridge for some lovely peppers. I had saved the universe and made the galaxy safe again for human space travel. I also had eaten the most peppers in one sitting that I can remember since my time began on this spinning ball called Earth.
I didn't think much about it because it was time for bed. The only warning I got that things were going to be bad was a long, satisfying Coca-Cola-and-pepper belch that lasted for about twenty seconds and really satisfied me. I crashed on the bed and slept pretty well.
I awoke the next morning and felt a pressure in my mid-section. It only hurt slightly. I let a well-sounding staccato blast out of my natural release valve. It was long and satisfying, but man was the smell bad! I can't even begin to explain. If you have ever smelled ammonium sulfide -- the stuff of stink bombs -- it smelled of rotten eggs from the devil's kitchen. I wish I could describe it better... this doesn't do it justice.
I felt pretty good after that rectal gas cleansing, so I thought everything would be alright from here on in. The drive to school was uneventful -- that is, if you consider producing the most foul smelling air additive your proboscis has ever experienced to be uneventful. My abdomen cramped for just a second after exiting the car, and I knew something was going to happen. I didn't know when, but I knew something lay on the horizon.
I had made it through biology class with no demon farts or cramps. Computer class came and went, then literature. I thought that maybe the farting was the worst of it, and that had passed on the way to school. I laughed to myself and was proud of my cast iron stomach and invulnerable intestines.
Geometry class. Two more classes and I was home free. Just as the class began, I felt and actually audibly heard it: a rumble that began at my mid-section and continued down until it reached my one ring circus. I felt the pressure, and it was building. "Ooooh God," I think to myself, "This is going to be bad." Ohh... the pressure just keeps climbing, pushing, unrelenting on my hole. I let a little go and, if it were possible, it smelled worse then before.
Luckily I only let a little out. I tried pointing my lips down and blowing a blast of air down between my legs, thinking this may dilute the wretched odor, or at least push it to the ground to avoid having the smell linger and hit someone I love full in the face and kill them. "Ooooomy GOD, my GOD," the pressure. I can't hold it in any more. I let it out, slowly oh so slowly, GOD at least make it silent and ohhhh man it's burning as it exits.
"It isn't liquid," I reassure myself in my head. I don't feel anything running down my leg so I am thankful for that, but man, when will it stop. All the time it is coming out I am blowing between my legs -- discreetly, I might add -- and just praying it will not burn any more than it was and oh was it burning. I had a tear running down my cheek; and then it stops. The silent blast from my ass lasted a good minute, and my stomach feels relieved, and the pressure is gone, but my sphincter has paid the price and is wounded, hopefully not beyond healing.
Then it happens. A friend of mine two seats ahead says, "Whoa, man, what the hell is that?" I pray he has spotted something out the window; but no, his nose is in full audible suction mode, and he is sniffing around and waving his hand in front of him. "Whoa, man, what is that? It just keeps on coming!" The teacher notices and tells him just to be quiet. I thank God and pray.
No one else says anything, but I can see them covering their noses and coughing. Inwardly I am cringing, but I do the same as my peers to avoid the finger being pointed at me. And then I laugh inwardly; it's almost a cackle. "I have some power now and no one knows it's me, bu hu wahhhh a a a a!"
I let two more gas bombs go, laughing all the while as others choke and gag on the horrific odor. Ha ha ha ha ha, I can't get enough. But I can't get any more gas to come, and the class is over. My classmates -- well, those closest to me -- run for the door at the sound of the bell. I stroll on out, feeling well relieved but burning anally; and then I cramp before I reach the door. Oh no!!! Boy do I cramp up, and it hurts like someone twisting a dagger in my innards.
I realize I will be late for the next class, but I can't help it. I limp to the nearest bathroom and feel my way to the very last stall. I sit down. The room is not clear, and I will not hurt anyone with the scent of what I am sure will be the most foul-smelling shit in all of shitdom. I breathe slowly, unfasten my belt and pants, sit down and wait. Finally the room is clear; the cramping has reached epic proportions.
I think I will just blast away to rid my bowels of the damnable liquid and be done with it. But oh no the devil has had his due and this is going to be anything but easy.
I go to let it all out but all I manage is a tiny squirt of the juice and aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! It burns, oh did it burn. I have never felt such heat without seeing smoke or flame. I check for both, but there are none, and now the tears start to flow. I manage a meager prayer and let some more out. Aaaaaahhhhhhh!! I hold on a little longer this time and again, the burning.
I get a little relief from the splash up on my butthole but I know this won't last. The smell of the shit wafts to my nostrils and burns and stinks at the same time of peppers and other foul food that must have been stuck in my intestines before this acid came to clean me out. I finally realize that I will be here all day if I do not get it all out in a hurry.
I get a grip on the toilet paper holder on one side and on the handle on the other side, and I let go. I squeeze the sphincter muscle like a woman birthing some anti-Christ baby with horns; I just try to block out the pain. I squeeze and squeeze until I can't feel any more burning, and when I am finished it feels surreal. I am in terrible pain; I wonder if I have not permanently hurt something and will need to shit in a bag for the rest of my natural life; and I am crying. I am really crying, my eyes are blurry, and I can't see. I can hear, though -- and someone has come into the room. Quickly I shut up from my bout of self-pity, wipe my eyes, and listen. "Whooo hoooo, man, I would hate to have to clean up that... you OK in there?"
"Yep," I shout in a high-pitched voice that sounds like a whimper and a plea. "Never better." I reach back and give the toilet a flush. Then I try to dab my ass, which is remarkably clean after the release -- just some splash on the butt, which I quickly wipe off in case it starts to eat my skin.
The smell in here will probably linger for a few hours, I think, but I am going home. I wander the halls to head for my car; hopeful no one will ask why I'm walking bowlegged. I finally reach my car and try to climb in, but my hole screams with pain in protest. I manage to lean onto a butt cheek and drive home to collapse on my stomach, and hopefully later take a bath to soak my ass.
-- Chorn