Every day, at about 2:30pm, I salute Thomas Crapper with a grunt, a splash, a cursory wipe, and a flush. In contemporary America, this is how we were all taught to poop.

Recently, however, I've felt the winds of change blow through my bathroom. For once, this wind was not flatulence. Instead, it came in the form of a cool, comforting geyser of water, hosing down my overused undercarriage. That's right, I had taken the next step in bathroom technology. As the French would say, I "straddled the pony."

Despite its mystique -- and its reputation for being a fixture primarily for women -- the bidet (pronounced "bih-DAY") is nothing for the brawny American man to fear.

Colon Bowell demonstrates proper bidet use. It's fairly obvious what step one is. Wipe like you would normally wipe. Flush like you would normally flush. Adjust water temperature and pressure. Remember, your nether-regions are sensitive... Enjoy as a powerful stream of water cleans and purifies your delighted anus.

Many men were first introduced to the bidet when stationed in France during World War I. After a lascivious romp with a "mistress of the evening," U.S. soldiers observed these vivacious vixens rinsing themselves off with this fascinating French invention. Perhaps those desperate, horny men were the first to perceive the full potential of the bidet in America.

Usually located adjacent to the toilet, the bidet provides a level of cleanliness that just can't be achieved with mere wiping, douching, or showering. The user adjusts the temperature and water pressure of the bidet, and then sits or squats on the fixture. With the flip of a lever, a jet of water surges reassuringly over the user's sensitive anatomical features, providing a sensation of refreshment and rejuvenation.

Needless to say, this has always been an enticing concept for women -- especially during that magical time of the month, or after a particularly lively tumble among the sheets. Consequently, the bidet caught on fast in Europe (over 97% of Italian bathrooms now have one). So why don't we see more bidets here in the U.S.?

Perhaps it just hasn't gotten trendy yet. Like the Beatles, another European import, the bidet may just need the proper exposure in America to develop a huge fan base.

Or maybe it's because we think the bidet is just simply another Euro-kinky concept, along the lines of men's bikini bottoms, nude beaches, and obtrusive sex shops.

Then again, we just may not be willing to give up precious real estate in our already-cramped bathrooms.

But I think the real reason why the bidet hasn't caught on in America is this: American men have been too wary of accepting this traditionally feminine fixture. So now I'd like to address the men of America:

It's time to stop thinking of the bidet as solely for women! When your wife suggested installing a bidet, you probably said something to the effect of "Screw that, I'll never use it. Now pass me a beer, I'm going to watch football and read pornography." That's the wrong attitude. Try it once, and you'll fall in love. (Plus, now you've got but two porcelain thrones upon which to read automotive magazines.)

After a good bowel movement, we need to understand that there is nothing wrong with the pleasure derived from a powerful jet of water gushing directly into our tender, still-quivering rectums. Remember: cleanliness is next to godliness.

Bidets these days are as tough as the jacked-up 4WD pick-ups in our garages. With solid, uni-body construction, super-high pressure capabilities, a bidet can be the 40 lb. workhorse of the bathroom. But besides being tough, modern bidets are also refined and user-friendly. With heated seats, ergonomic push-button controls, and simple installation guides, there's never been a better time to own a bidet. Recommended brands: USABidet [1], Hav-A-Seat [2], American Standard, and Mrs. Bidet [3].

Don't be put off by advertising that targets a demographic that you don't happen to fall into. Bidet manufacturers have recently been aiming at handicapped and elderly consumers, as well as those with hemorrhoids, STDs, and excessive menstruation. Please remember that everyone -- no matter what their age, sex, race, religion, or state of health -- can enjoy the benefits of a bidet.

A creative person may find uses for his bidet other than ass-rinsing. Crocodile Dundee, for example, washed his boots in one. Last week, my neighbor re-enacted the bombing of Pearl Harbor in his bidet, with tiny model ships. Just last night, I washed my dishes in the bidet.

So, men, when considering the bidet, please think of the pleasures, comfort, hygiene, versatility, and spousal thank-you sex that it will bring into your life.

In closing, one bit of advice: although a bidet may look just like a toilet after 11 beers, be advised that the bidet is for cleaning purposes only. One manufacturer warns that a bidet is "not [to be used] in any event for defecation, as it is not designed to accept solid waste."
-- Colon Bowell [4]

[5] Can you come up with a better name for the bidet? Enter our Rename The Bidet Contest! [6] The winner will receive an Official PoopReport Fake Poop, courtesy of our friends at Feces Farms! [7]