About five years ago, I lost the ability to dook. I would go for a couple weeks without a bowel movement. And it wasn't just a passing occurrence -- it became a chronic, unrelenting problem. I would sit on the toilet for HOURS, to no avail. I became permanently uncomfortable and miserable.
I tried everything. Laxatives weren't working that great for me -- they'd just make me feel sick AND they oscillated between unpredictable and habit-forming. So I devised the most DISGUSTING scheme to assist myself in the removal of feces from my abdominal cavity -- and I hereby confess this appalling procedure to all of you (hopefully sympathetic) people out there.
Basically, for the last few years, I have stuck a hose up my ass pretty much daily. I made my poop-removal apparatus by cutting the end off of a shower-hose and attaching the other end onto my bathtub faucet. It takes FOREVER to get all the poop out via this unnatural method -- like 45 minutes -- but it works. If I miss a day, I get so uncomfortable and irritable that I just want to cry and/or kick people.
Absolutely nothing else works, except for like five Ex-Lax -- and when I take Ex-Lax, either a) it has no effect except giving me terrible abdominal pains or b) it works two days later and I have to go running to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
I can't keep putting drugs such as Ex-Lax in my body -- can't be good -- so I only use the Ex-lax method when I'm traveling or have guests staying in my apartment.
On that note, I feel lucky that my boyfriend is so sympathetic about my problem. I mean, granted, the rest of the package is great, but can you imagine having a hose-ass girlfriend? And having to help her make excuses to people? Sometimes I can't believe that he even associates with me, knowing what he knows.
Let me tell you something -- the hose procedure is so disgusting. It takes a while for your guts to stop revolting and accept the water. You have to calm down and relax. I usually read, with one hand guiding the hose into my ass (sorry -- but I said that I'd be honest with you all). Finally, the water gets up high enough to work and poop starts splatting out. It smells HORRIBLE. It makes the whole bathroom smell like a sewer for at least 15 minutes afterwards. And you SEE EVERYTHING -- every little detail of your poop -- because you have to keep turning around to see if the water coming out your asshole is running clear yet. You recognize what you ate, folks. It's SICK.
Again, I am an attractive -- AND educated -- not to mention nice -- and I don't do anything to deserve this (i.e. I eat enough fiber and work out every day and drink lots of water). But sometimes I feel like my intrinsic value is cut in half due to this problem. I look around at the faces of my friends and associates and think to myself, "oh GOD... if only you KNEW!!!!" (*cringe*)
I've been too embarrassed to see a doctor about this problem. But after five years I just couldn't TAKE it anymore -- so I saw my doctor and got referred to a gastrointestinal specialist. Only 3 weeks to go until my appointment... wish me luck.
-- SecretYuckHose