It was a warm sunny day at the ballpark. Yes, the game was to be good. The hometown team was playing the Cleveland Indians and this was my first trip to Safeco Field. Before the game I decided it was best to eat at the stadium and not waste money at McDonalds, and so at the ballpark, I ate.

I guzzled 1 hotdog and had 2 Diet Pepsi's -- yet I needed more. So I then saw the sunflower seed dude. I bought 3 LARGE bags of sunflower seeds and viciously started eating them... WHOLE!! Shells and all... not realizing the effect of the dilemma yet to come.

The car ride home wasn't too bad. I got home with a small urge to shit, but what I was not ready for was the platoon of horror that was bestowed upon me. Down went the pants as I squatted, waiting to eject the hurtful shit from my bowels.

Yet this was much more painful than normal shit. It was cutting and slicing my asshole like a butcher infatuated with meat. I then realized what it was... the shells!!!

Oh God it hurt. My asshole was bleeding badly and I needed to get the shells out. They cut at my bowels as they came out and so I felt the need to suck them back in. Wrong plan because it only caused more cutting pain.

Crying in agony as I wanted to get them out, a thought came to my mind like I was eating KFC chicken. It was: "Use your hands".

Thankfully I was aware this would work and so I stuck my hand up my ass and started scooping and shoveling out massive hordes of shells. This hand up my ass felt rather good considering what I had just been through. Then when they were gone, I went to wipe! OMFG!! I sweared 100 times in 5 seconds. But it was over... and never again will I eat shells. Kids...dont try that at home!!

-- Sir Hanky