It was a clear and pleasant summer day in Goleta, California, where I was spending the summer at a private school situated by Santa Barbara Bay. I was only fourteen at the time. As it was summer break, there were no classes, but instead many outdoor activities. The school had a rather decent size pool -- not necessarily an 50m Olympic size, but nevertheless quite large, in an L shape.

I was having fun when, at one point, I felt that I had to take care of a little pressing business behind me. I had just gotten out earlier to use the toilet for frontal business, and I was not about to get out of the pool again! So I decided, "The hell with it!" and let loose in my swimming trunks, getting rid of all excess expenditures.

I had expected that this excess baggage would simply fall towards the bottom of the pool. However, this was not the case at all. Instead, some immediately surfaced, unveiling itself in full view of the other swimmers and the lifeguard. Further, more lumps decided to migrate to other parts of the pool, including the shallow end on the other part of the L. My shit was everywhere! I thought to myself, "Oh fuck! What am I going to do now?"

A couple of minutes went by when I felt another load brewing. This time, to my surprise, it was liquid! "Uh oh!" I thought. "Great. Now I have the runny shits." It definitely was quite obvious -- a brownish cloud began to form in the otherwise-clear water. The lifeguard saw the mess and blew his whistle, ordering all of us out of the water.

The next thing I knew was that all of us (except His Majesty the lifeguard) had to take one (white) towel and go back into the water to pick up as best as possible the turds thus scattered about. We picked up all that were visible and got out of the pool. Then we were told that from that moment, all swimming privileges for the remainder of the summer break were effectively cancelled!

Well, of course, this did not sit too well with us at all, having the pool taken away from us on these hot summer days. There were rumblings that whoever was responsible would be beaten to a pulp.

I was now caught between a rock and a hard place. I most certainly was not going to come forth and wind up physically assaulted by the rest of the student body -- but at the same time, I felt pretty bad for having caused our swimming privileges to be suspended. What was I to do?

We had gotten out of the pool, supposedly for the remainder of the summer, and were headed back to our respective dorms. En route, I nearly gave myself away as I inadvertently let loose a bit in my trunks. I still had the runny shits! Great. I had to be careful, especially just leaving the pool area under these circumstances, as I most certainly did not wish to wind up as pulp, thank you all the same.

I was able to make it back to my dorm and to the loo as well. I was in the beginning phases of becoming sick. I felt weak, and chilled. I climbed into bed -- I was just not feeling well at all. I even hurled once. I was concerned that being sick with diarrhea at this time would be a possible giveaway of who had shat in the pool. Fortunately, I was alone in my room, and I fell asleep.

I awoke later with a near accident in bed, as I had to use the loo again. By this time my roommates had returned, and conversation ensued; the topic, of course, was the event earlier that day at the pool. Threatening talk was made to really pulverize the culprit -- the student body was (understandably) rather upset of having our swimming privileges cut short. I lied and volunteered that I had become sick because of the event that happened that day. I told my roommates that I must of have caught something from that mess that had caused me to get sick.

I made frequent visits to the john all throughout the night, and didn't get sufficient sleep. I made it appear as if my frequent visits were caused by whoever let loose in the pool. And it worked! In fact, a rumor spread all around the school that I was the first victim of that dastardly act. Thus, I was actually receiving sympathy, rather than disdain.

I never knew whether others came down with what I had or not. But a few days after I had gotten over this bug, my conscience was bothering me. I had contemplated for the past two days visiting with our counselor and coming clean about this incident. On the one hand, I would clear my own conscience and hope that the swimming pool would reopen; but on the other hand, I was also afraid that he might betray me and that I would be a target for the whole school. But I just couldn't keep quiet about it. So one afternoon I requested to see the counselor. I was very nervous, needless to say, but I gingerly divulged to him who the actual culprit was.

Well, after admonishing me of my little deed, to my surprise -- and relief -- he promised to keep this conversation within his office, basically to protect me from becoming victim of school violence. I left his office, still concerned that he would betray my trust; but as it turned out, he called a special assembly for the school, and told the student body that someone (not identifying anyone) had come forth about the incident, and that the pool privileges were restored! Little did the student body know...

The moral here? Don't shit in swimming pools! It's not worth it!

-- The Other David [1]