Picture this. I'm at a girl's house. Let's call this imaginary girl "Michael Jackson." Michael Jackson and I have only been dating a few weeks, so we're still at that awkward stage of anticipation. We're not quite strangers anymore, but we don't "know" each other that well. I don't fart around her, I definitely don't poop in her house, that sort of thing. I'm still trying to impress her.

So picture this. We're sharing a glass of wine, me and Michael Jackson. She's looking luscious; I'm looking masculine and ravishing. I'm wearing a tank-top, and my bulging biceps and sculpted chest are, quite frankly, turning us both on.

Things are progressing. We laugh at each other's jokes, we smile a secret smile, we share a deep, longing look into each other's souls. The moment has arrived. Tonight, Michael Jackson and I will be one. We will answer the call of nature. We will together engender the most beautiful and intimate moments of the human experience, using a variety of techniques and possibly some silicon-based toys. Our love begins tonight.

But, before I can take her quivering body in my arms and envelop her in my world of bliss, there is another call of nature I must answer.

Thus my fantasy ends, and the topic of this article begins.

Loud peeing. It's loud. It's embarrassing. To me, there is nothing more horrible than peeing in a toilet and knowing that everyone outside the door is listening to the splashes, sickened by you, laughing at you.

This problem really only bothers me when I'm at someone's house. This isn't usually an issue at a public restroom, because those are usually out of the way, around a corner or through a few doors where no one can here you pee. But when the bathroom is next to the living room, that's something to worry about.

My girlfriend (my real girlfriend, not the lascivious Michael Jackson) recently commented that she could hear me pee when I go at her place. Since then, I've taken great pains to quiet my stream.

For guys, that's usually easy. We can aim at the porcelain just above the waterline, and mute our flow to the point of near silence. The only risk is when your aim slips a bit, resulting in a burst of noise -- such intermittent splashing must prove baffling to any listeners who wonder why I'm sputtering in my attempts to void.

But at my girlfriend's place, her toilet water is too high. The waterline disappears behind the lip of the bowl. If I bend my knees significantly, I can make the trajectory more acute, and thus, by approaching the toilet from near-horizontal, can reach the inner bowl at an angle allowing my access to the dry, silent wall.

For girls, I imagine the process is much more difficult. As far as I know, girls can't aim.

I've heard girls pee. But I've also not heard girls pee. How? What sort of techniques could girls employ to reduce or eliminate pee noise? Is there a trick with toilet paper, or directional control, or what?

I don't believe I'm the only who endures this embarrassing excretory conundrum. I've suffered the awkwardness of hearing someone pee in the next room. And I've also known people to go pee and not make a sound. Clearly, people are aware of the issue, and I'm not the only one who attempts to mute when I make.

That being said, it's time to return to my fantasy.

Stepping seductively from the bathroom, I drift over to Michael Jackson. She smiles shyly at me, suddenly aware of the pure masculinity emanating from every pore on my body. And thus begins a night of romance, a night of passion, a night of sweet caresses and funky funky love -- a night unmarred by the decidedly un-erotic sound of urine splashing loudly into a toilet bowl.

-- Dave [1]

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