Regardless of what you may have heard, Immodium is not your friend. Especially if you treasure your daily toilet time as much as I do.

Lai, you have written a masterful poopreport. Your description of the fish market smell is superb. So tell us: do you like kimchee?

Forein food, exotic women, war references, and multiple shitcapades - this story had it all! Way to go Lai! Quite an amazing story. Normally a feud between a woman's hometown foods and her man's bowels might do in a relationship. So are you two still together, or did the kimchee soil the relationship (as well as numerous toilets)?

"Like a scud missile hitting my lower intestines, it hit me. Now I know how the Iraqis felt."

The Iraqis lunched the scuds at U.S. troops and 2 other countries(israel, and Kuwait). So you must have felt Happy?? when the alien burst your starfish. So the korean food kicked you in the nuts and left you for dead basically that would make me unhappy, not happy.

Reporting for DOODIE.

You are a brave man, and a caring boyfriend. Excellent story!

We are still together. Lets just say I am not a fan of kimchee. If all I have to put up with is bad food, I can live with that. I might need a colostomy bag by the time I am 40 but she's worth it.

Quite the story, excellent job!

We've been getting great stories, one after the other, and yet the comments have been muted and, although congratulatory, not as much fun. Where is everyone? Maybe we need Doniker to come back and start being a jerk... that, at least, got people talking.

I was stationed in Seoul for 2 years that felt like 50. The food was disgusting, as were the Koreans, traffic, weather, pollution and everything else about that toilet of a country. The rumor among the guys stationed there was that in order to get the enzymes in your system to combat the explosive korean butt mud, you had to lick a korean girl's asshole. I fugured it wasn't worth it. I ate on base whenever possible.

Gotta love the foreign food stories.
C Everrett Poop,
Lick a butthole?! *barf, ralph, puke*
Nasty. I hope no one actually did that.

Good story.

re kimchee, you left out the crucial ingredient: garlic. It's cabbage, fish paste, salt and a shit load of garlic buried in a crock until it's fermented and rotten. Deadly as the process sounds, it's the industrial load of garlic in Korean food that generates the poop reports.

Three months of the runs tho upon your return? Garlic is shorter lasting . . . you probably picked up some bacteria or parasite from attempting to innoculate yourself via the C Everett Poop licking a Korean girls butthole method. Don't believe everything you read here!

total fiction

the garlic sounds like the only thing edible out of all of that. probably picked up an intestinal parasite from eating at that fish market. bad things happen when u don't cook your food.

im back! i was playing world of warcraft!

great story hilarious especially "fill up a dirty sock with dog shit, eat it, and then puke it up; and that would be close to the smell of this place. "

thyts probably the nastiest thing ive ever heard

Good Story... but I wouldn't eat that shit for any woman

To Turd Turdgutson - No... Seriously I know this guy... Total truth. And, no... I'm not his gf.

Ass cheeks squeezed tight enough to bend steel, I am a metalworker, and they must have been squeezed as tight as the vise I used today to bend a piece of metal, anyway this story was funny as hell, and the skidmarks that make a vette owner jealous, talk about smart use of words.

stackin it deep and sellin it cheap... good one. some of the korean girls i have seen out here in LA, damn they are fine... i would suck sake out of their ass if they wanted me to.

that was a good story! that fish market sounds like hell. you're a very brave man for eating live animals. you know, technically that makes you a geek. you could join the circus!

I remember trying kimchi once, after I read the reviews of it by artistic snobs. I bought a package, and opened it, I felt like I was punched in the face by a vomiting dog. I tasted it and hated it. I think that temporarily, my nose switched into override of my taste buds.

Sometimes I wonder how Korea stays alive.

They have outback steakhouse in korea?

HAHAHA I loved this story! u have a great writing style. whenever you go abroad try to pop some ENTAMIZOLE and BACTRIM after a meal-it kills everything!

Judging by the smell, there are more kimchee pots buried in Seoul than landmines across the 38th parallel.

You had a sleeeeew of awesome lines. Unreal. You arent that guy that won last comic standing are you?

For someone who is dating a Korean girl, you sure are making some degrading remarks about her heritage. And for those of you who are making even more degrading comments should pat yourself on the back for further perpetuating racism and stupidy.

How is making fun of food that causes the shits racist? thats the problem with u hippy bastards. everything comes back to racism. stupidy??? learn to spell tard.

Immodium is not a cure, it's a delay. It doesn't stop diarrhea so much as put it off for 24 hours or so.

I only use it when I can absolutely NOT afford an attack of the shits..like when I have to be on a plane for a few hours, when I have to be in court, during a wedding, or for an important all day business meeting etc.

If you get the shits at a more convienient time, let it run it's course. Immodium will stop the shits but will cause more problems in the big picture...constipation followed by more diarrhea or soft, irregular shit..it can take weeks to get back on track.

Korean food: fire in the hole!!!

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

L. Wrong gives the perfect analogy of Korean food. Perfect.

I got used to kimchee over time -- trained in Taekwondo for 20 years and had to eat a lot of Korean food to make the Korean instructor happy. In fact, it's one of my favorite incredients in spaghetti sauce (a cup of kimchee in addition to the regular red sauce ingredients). Try it.

My fiance is Japanese, and he likes lots of fiery wasabi on sushi and all that. It's okay in small quantities (clears your sinuses if you a cold), but too much, and you'll be shitting rivers of molten magma.

Lai, when I was learning to speak mandarin, our teacher told us that there is an expression in China "We eat anything with 4 legs except a table. We eat anything that flys except airplanes." Having seen some of the things that they eat in China, I know the saying is apt.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Thanks! I laughed so hard I actually cried. My gf came in and said "that's gross!". I shared the page with friends who would appreciate it, and they all started sharing poop stories of their own. Vive la merde!

I'm not exactly sure how Korean-Korean kimchi compares to Korean-American kimchi, but just judging from the stuff I've had here, I don't know what the fuss is about. There's a Korean sushi place that I go to and they always give a little tub of the stuff. It's extremely spicy, but I wouldn't consider it dangerous or disgusting.

Fabulously written story Lai!! I'll keep all in mind when eating Korean food if the opportunity arises in the future. Poop Shooter

I lived in Tokyo Japan for 8 years and ate in many Korean restaurants while I was there. I grew to love kimchi so much that I make my own now. You do not need fish sauce in your kimchi (you can use it if you want to)
I use nappa cabage, green onions, garlic & crushed red pepper. Use 3 tablespoons of salt for every 5 lbs of cabbage (rough chopped)
& all the garlic and red pepper you can handle plus a little more. Place all ingredients in a container that can have a heavy weight pressing the ingredients. I make large batches in a 5 gallon bucket and use another 5 gallon bucket full of water as a weight. Let set at room temperature for abou a week (or until soured to your liking)
Refrigerate and eat with your meals as a condiment. It will continue to sour but will not go bad. Really good with rice.

I wonder if it is the food that made Kim Jong ill.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

Korean food is one of my favorites!! Why do they give the Asians all the good side dishes and think we Americans are too whimpy to eat the whole fish (maybe little anchovies?) We just end up with the kim chee and the dikon. I love a good Yakiniku, and the next morning it is just like eating Mexican food...burns going in and burns coming out....ouch.

Lai, excellent story! I was googling for a restaurant here in Seoul, and this story came up in the results and got me hooked on PR.com!

To the Anonymous Coward from 9.23.05:
Lai made no racist or degrading remarks about the girl's heritage.

You either have never spent any real amount of time in Korea (i.e. over a year), or you are Korean yourself. Koreans are extremely racist. It may not be apparent if you've only met Korean-Americans.

I`ve just got back from a week in North Korea. Ate kimchee at every meal. The only side effect was that my logs became half their usual width and at least twice the normal length. But every DPRK toilet, no matter how filthy had great quality 3 PLY PAPER.

"...I had been stacking it deep and selling it cheap..."

What a great line! Fantastic when applied to poop! I also loved the fish market smell metaphor.

I think Travel Logs are my favorite!

you think koreas bad..try going to china..no such thing as sweer n sour, manderin whatever, hunan cow nuts, or even a simple fortune cookie..but if you're willing to expect and anticipate a quintessential meal for only $.25 (which we white folks can't tell the difference from shit from shit, but only spew empty rhetorical cowardly bullshit from our asses) try china..your ass will thank and spite you for that.

mmmm kimchee. yummmmmmm.... it's sooo good but it WILL rip your ass a new ass.... i want korean food now.

_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

Korean food is mild by comparison to cuisines like that of Laos. Laotian food will scorch the pucker right off your starfish. I speak from experience.

Years ago I lived in rural Tennessee and worked in a custom slaughterhouse. We killed and processed animals for local farmers to put in their freezers. Most people who brought in an animal had no use at all for the offal, things like tongues, tails, hearts, tripe, etc..

I had a neighbor who owned a "you pick it" farm which was worked by a family that had recently immigrated from Laos but were ethnically Chinese. The head of the household was the best cook I have ever met in my life and was capable of making the most delicious meals imaginable from
ingredients considered gross by most Americans.

I donated the offal, his specialty was a soup made from beef tripe, and attended
many a feast at his home on Sunday afternoons. One of the other diners was an elderly Laotian man and his wife and daughter. The old man told me, through an interpreter, that I had been eating Chinese food but he would like to invite me to his home for some Laotian home cooking. I happily accepted since I am something of a foodee.

On the big day I drove to the old gentleman's house and was greeted like royalty. He knew I liked beer but he didn't realize that in America it is usually served chilled. The beer was straight from the shelf in the store and, needless to say, was lukewarm. We started with an appetizer of
a sausage made from fermented pork with
very thin strips of pig ear and one very small chili concealed inside. The sausages were about the size of a wiener from a 12oz pack. They were extremely tasty but the level of heat in the concealed pepper was unbelievable. Lukewarm beer had never been more refreshing. I don't know the name of the sausages but an appropriate one would be "pig ear surprises" since you never knew what bite would contain the lethal little chili.

Finally the main course arrived. It was a type of stir fry that, much to my horror, looked like it was composed mostly of the lethal little peppers. I looked around the table and saw young children, some appeared to be no more than seven, raking this food into their little asbestos lined mouths with abandon, showing no discomfort at all.

I am no stranger to chilies. Many is the time that in a marathon beer chugging session I have eaten a pint or more of jalapenos wrapped with anchovy fillets.
If these kids can handle it so can I. I popped open a beer and dug in. The first bite can only be described as pure pain. Had I stuck a blowtorch in my mouth it could not have been more painful. I chugged about half of a sixteen ounce can of warm Bud which foamed so violently in my mouth I thought suds would squirt out my ears. I continued eating with tears streaming down my face and dripping from my chin. Soon the pepper had destroyed the pain receptors in my mouth and I was able to finish my meal. It was delicious but God-- it was hot.

I returned to my home about 8:00 PM and, since I had to work early the next day, retired to my bed chamber. I had forgotten the cardinal rule, what goes in must come out. I was awakened about
midnight with a feeling of pain and nausea that was unbelievable. My entire lower gastro intestinal tract was on fire. Moaning, I went to the porcelain throne and seated myself. The memory of the pain in my mouth was nothing compared to the pain in my asshole. My mouth is in my head and is constantly exposed to the capricious behavior of the elements. Over the course of decades it has become toughened to the rigors of life. My asshole, on the other hand, has led a sheltered life tucked away between my ample buttocks, protected from the rigors of nature. As a result it can only be described as a very delicate orifice.
If you, dear reader, would like to feel what I felt at that moment I suggest you heat a metal rod to about a thousand degrees and stick it up your butt.

This scenario was acted out two more times before the sun finally came up. Korean food? I laugh at Korean food. Korean food is delicious but it is safe for infants and the elderly. To truly test the toughness of your anus you must try Laotian.