Fingertouch: The Amazing Toilet Seat Lifter!

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, I try not to review a product unless I've actually used it. But sometimes, there comes a product that is just so striking, I can't help but to write it up sight unseen.

My friend Trevor [1] alerted me to this product after they spammed him. Three days later, I got the same spam:

[2]

No one likes to touch the toilet seat. Why else would public restrooms offer those little paper liners? Fingertouch brings you that type of service at home. You never have to touch your toilet seat again.
Our toilet seat lifter cradles your finger in a germ-free environment as you lift the seat up and down.

Fingertouch [3], "The Amazing Toilet Seat Lifter!", is a little piece of plastic that screws into your toilet seat. By using Fingertouch, you can avoid touching your toilet seat.

Without really trying, without calling upon my advertising major or my economics minor, without even bothering to exercise my brain in any capacity, I can come up with a million reasons this stupid product should not exist.

Here are five.

Who would have a home toilet seat so disgusting that they're afraid to touch it? This is their HOME BASE -- they place where they do most of their business. Who allows their favorite crapper to get that disgusting?

If, theoretically, someone DOES actually permit their own personal private seat to get that gross, they probably don't care about touching it. After all, they touch it with their ass all the time. And if they're too lazy to clean, why would they be so diligent as to install this device?

A disgusting toilet seat is easily lifted using a toilet paper buffer -- a lot cheaper than Fingertouch, with runs you $15 for two.

If this toilet seat is so disgusting, why bother to lift it up? No one is going to notice a few more pee-splatters on an already crap-covered seat.

Finally, if the little piece of plastic is attached to the toilet seat, it's essentially part of the toilet seat. So won't that little piece of plastic become as filthy as the toilet seat that its part of -- the one that this person is afraid to touch in the first place?

So, now that we've realized that there's absolutely no reason for this product to exist, let's enjoy it for what it really is: an example of how stupid, formulaic and ignorant advertising can be.

[4] Let's put some thought into their tagline: "The Amazing Toilet Seat Lifter!" A piece of plastic qualifies as amazing?

Let's make fun of their blatantly contrived marketingspeak: "Now lifting your toilet seat is easier than ever!" Right, because it was SO difficult before.

Let's acknowledge how their product addresses a burning need of the everyday consumer: "Remember, you can only stuff so many of those little seat protectors in your pockets before they fill up." Has anyone ever carried around one little seat protector in their pocket, much less enough to make their pockets overflow?

Let's see how their product can improve our health: "Start flushing stress away. Order our Toilet Seat Lifter Today!" I'd argue, of course, that anyone whose toilet is so disgusting that they need an external apparatus to lift it isn't the kind of person who gets stressed out over having a disgusting toilet.

Let's learn about the drawbacks of the product: "The hardest part is deciding which toilet to use it on." In some households, it's difficult to discern which toilet is the most repulsive. However, Fingertouch has a solution: "Why not splurge and get one for every toilet in your house?"

Let's discover how much better life becomes once you've installed your Fingertouch: "Now you're ready to enjoy raising the toilet seat again." Remember the good old days, back when raising the toilet seat was a thrill? If only there was a way to experience that childhood joy again...

Finally, let's all watch their infomercial [5] three times in a row. And then let's all enjoy a really good laugh at their expense.