THE SCOOP ON THE POOP

That five-week period between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is the best time for you to invest your dollars in the Charmin Toilet Paper Company.

This is the time of year when most holiday parties and family functions feature nogs, cheesecakes, ice creams, milk chocolates, and dairy products galore. What goes in must come out. It's the simplest of the Newtonian laws of physics: For every eating action, there is an equal and powerful digestive reaction. The results are often not very pretty. Eat dairy, get sludge.

YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS

Discussing bowel movements can be rather unpleasant.

Doctors rarely ask you this critically important question. Hippocrates taught that the state and form of your bowel movements are the most revealing clues to the nature of your physiology. That should be the primary question out of the mouths of physicians and healers during their examinations.

Most cats and every dog I've seen have great bowel movements. They don't need toilet paper. I've witnessed horses and elephants, barnyard animals, little mammals and large mammals all doing their duty, and they all have the same thing in common. They defecate quickly, and their "droppings" are firm.

Why are most humans the exception to this regular rule? Why do cows and buffaloes make "chips," and humans make sludge?

Did you ever consider the consistency of the yellowish goop inside of a jar of Cheeze Whiz? Could that be the same consistency of the digested food leaving your body?

Constipation or diarrhea? Internal sludge or internal blockage? In order to find the cure, one must first determine the cause.

When you have an unknown disease, physicians often take samples of your body wastes, run tests, diagnose, then medicate. Isn't there an easier way for you to experience "normal" bowel movements? You're damned right, there is!

Eighty percent of milk protein is casein, the mucous producer. Casein from cow's milk is a foreign protein. When you eat this antigen, your body's immune system manufactures an antibody. The antibody is a histamine. As a result of histamine production, many people open their medicine cabinets or rush to their pharmacies in search of antihistamines.

Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on your pasta and ten hours later, you'll have produced enough mucous to fill the empty quart container of Ben & Jerry's Nitty Gritty. Most Americans continuously eat one form or another of dairy products. The average American eats the equivalent of 29.2 ounces per day from this food group. For them, bad bowel movements are a way of life. They have never known what it is like to be regular. They never will if they continue eating dairy.

The cure is so simple. One week completely off dairy, and you'll be as regular as Fido. Is it not worth the experiment?

Give this embarrassing newsletter to a friend or relative. Dare them to take the NOTMILK challenge for just seven days. If you truly love them and wish for them to have a meaningful learning experience, treat them to pizza on day eight. On day nine, they'll return to the messy sludge, and experience that which most Americans deny:

Milk does not do the body good.

What I am about to suggest may have animal rights activists protesting at my door. Feed Fido two slices of pizza for his next meal. That gooey mozzarella should do amazing things to his regularity.

WARNING: For the next few walks, leave behind the pooper-scooper and bring along a spatula with you. Oh yes, bring along Charmin too. Your dog will be smart enough to make the connection. Will you?