Nature's Platform: Squatting For A Pleasant Tomorrow

For the editor of a site devoted to all things toilet, it's an Earth-shattering premise: what if the way I've been crapping is bad?

Our beloved porcelain thrones are designed for sitting. But our bodies are designed for squatting.

Thinking about the evolution of human society in the last couple thousand years, it makes sense. Humans are supposed to eat berries and rabbits and drink pure streamwater from cups made of the skulls of our enemies. And when it comes time to crap, we're supposed to pop a squat behind the nearest tree -- not sit in comfort reading TV Guide.

Many of today's health problems stem from our sedentary lifestyle. Modern conveniences like supermarkets and pizza delivery mean it takes no effort to gather sustenance -- effort that our bodies rely on to stay healthy, and in the absence of which collapse into obesity and heart disease. Can we assume that our modern techniques of ass-birth have similar consequences?

This is your how things look when you sit.

And this is how they look when you squat. Ahh, much better.

To act as a big brown YES, I found images like the one on the right, comparing a sitting colon with a squatting one. I don't know nothing about plumbing, but it seems to me that solids pass through pipes easier if there are no kinks in the tubes.

According to many sources (here [1], here [2], and here [3] for references), sitting shitting may be the cause of horrible diseases ranging from hemorrhoids to appendicitis to colon cancer. So while it may be more comfortable, and it may be more conducive to playing Game Boy or reading pornography, seated dumping may be hurting our bodies more than the comfort is helping them.

But this is the West, and we only have sitters. How does the health-conscious PoopReporter squat on a sitter?

Easy. Bring the floor up to seat level.

Nature's Platform [4] is really nothing more than a table with a hole in the middle. Positioned over one's toilet bowl, Nature's Platform allows us to squat and crap the way the cavemen did, but still flush and sanitarily dispose of our mess the way Westerners are used to.

At $85 plus shipping, Nature's Platform is not cheap. But according to the literature that comes with it [5], neither is colon cancer -- one disease among many, they claim, you have a better chance of avoiding if you use their product.

Nature's Platform takes a bit of getting used to. My only experience in crouchcraps comes from camping trips, and every time I did that I was hanging off a tree for support. So my thigh muscles weren't immediately receptive to squatting. Their instructions allude to this: "If you are new to squatting, it may take some time for your muscles and joints to adapt." That's true -- it got easier every time, although climbing on and off is always a bit precarious (I have no fear of the apparatus collapsing, but I do fear of my own damn clumsy self).

My Nature's Platform [6], beckoning to me.

I don't normally poop with my pants on... just for this article.

Once aboard my Platform, my excretory experiences have been uniformly outstanding. Without exception, my craps have slid out with minimal effort. I get on the platform, and the squatting motion itself seems enough to cause the feces to start heading towards the light. Only nominal pushing has been necessary to completely empty the chamber.

However, I don't quite have the balance to wipe in the crouching position, so the squishing of butt juice that has occurred when I stand up has forced me to use more toilet paper than I'm used to.

I've only experienced one problem with my Platform, but it's been a major one: splashback.

Even from the sitting position, splashback is an ever-present threat to the pooper. But on Nature's Platform, your butthole goes from six inches above the water to at least a foot -- and as the laws of physics remind us, the farther an object falls, the faster it goes. Perhaps an experienced squatter can maneuver his ass down to levels where distance is not a factor, but I have no such ability -- my craps were hitting the water with significant velocity, and causing remarkable explosions.

I wrote to Nature's Platform for their advice on this issue. Jonathan Isbit, inventor of the product, provided this counsel:

Open the tank and you'll see a tube sitting inside a plastic pipe. Pull the tube out of the pipe and let it drain into the tank instead. This will reduce the water level in the bowl.

Move the platform a few inches forward. This will let you miss most of the water (depending on how your toilet bowl is designed.)

Remember that the diseases you're preventing are a WHOLE LOT messier that a little splashing.

I followed suggestion #2, and positioned my ass further toward the lip of the bowl, with pleasant results -- although I have to use my hand to aim the ol' peter to ensure I don't dribble on the floor. For women, aiming may prove a bit more difficult.

Nature's Platform is not as comfortable as sitting, nor very conducive to our accustomed forms of bathroom entertainment (although someday I anticipate the flexibility to read the newspaper as I do my business). But that's the trade-off involved in any form of healthy living -- immediate pleasure is sacrificed to avoid long-term pain. For those PoopReporters concerned about the prospect of pooping problems in the distant golden years, Nature's Platform provides a happy brown future by returning your pooping habits to the glorious prehistoric past.

-- Dave [7]

Click here to visit Nature's Platform [8].

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [9]!