Published on PoopReport.com (http://www.poopreport.com)

SPECIAL REPORT: Ply's Does Matter.

By Dave
Created Feb 11 2001 - 12:00am

Introduction

Humans are creatures of habit. We pick a brand and we stick with it -- that's how brands make their money. We learned about this in marketing class: it's pretty hard to get new customers to switch to your product. Usually, advertisers just focus on trying to get existing customers to buy more.

This particular aspect of marketing means that for many of us, there is a whole WORLD of brands we haven't yet tried. Why try Heinz when Hunts is doing the job quite nicely?

Therefore, in the interest of public service, we at PoopReport have commissioned The World's Most Comprehensive(1) [1] Survey of Toilet Paper Brands.

The Goals

The goals of this survey are threefold:

  1. To create a single, comprehensive source that will enable all Americans(2) [2] to quickly and accurately determine which brand of toilet paper is appropriate for them, based on a variety of criteria -- including cost, desired comfort level, and anticipated forms of excremental activities.
  2. To render millions of advertising dollars useless by providing trustworthy, accurate information that will allow the consumer to decide on the appropriate brand for themselves, instead of being influenced by potentially misleading advertising.
  3. To establish PoopReport as the web's premiere destination for all poop and poop-related news, information and resources.

Methodology

There are two phases to this survey.

quantitative data
qualitative data
  • PHASE II -- 3/01 to ???: Once the initial matrix is complete, it's time for field testing. This will be a labor-intensive study in which we will test the brands under various conditions -- after a lunch trip to Jaurez, Mexico, for instance, or after six cups of coffee. The ultimate goal of PHASE II is develop a complex algorithm which enables us to accurately determine the proper brand of toilet paper for any occasion.

Participation

Below is a list of currently known American toilet paper brands. Please select one or two brands you wish to review, or feel free to suggest one that's not on the list. After you have selected a brand, you will receive an email detailing proper reviewing procedure. In the interest of scientific accuracy, more than one person will be reviewing each brand.
Click on each brand below for more info.

Northern Bath Tissue [4] Charmin Ultra [5]
Quilted Northern [6] Charmin [7]
Quilted Northern Super Absorbent [8] Charmin Plus [9]
Kleenex Cottonelle [10] Charmin Kid Fresh [11]
Kleenex Cottonelle Ultrasoft [12] Coleman Biodegradable Toilet Paper [13]
Scott Bathroom Tissue [14] Angel Soft [15]
M.D. Bathroom Tissue (western U.S. only) [16] Seventh Generation Bathroom Tissue (recycled) [17]
Golf Bathroom Tissue (novelty) [18] Monty Python Bathroom Tissue (novelty) [19]
Marcal Bathroom Tissue [20] Softweave

Other brand:

My name:
*My email Address:

And hey, check out the preliminary results! [21]

Footnotes

(1) I assume this is the world's most comprehensive survey of toilet paper. I haven't looked to see if any others exist. Some philosophers would argue that if I have no knowledge of an entity, it does not exist. Let's try to keep it that way. Go back [22].

(2) America now, later the world. I've heard that in some countries you wipe with your hands, but for those that don't, hopefully someday we'll be able to provide a useful resource. Go back [23].

(3) Have you ever wondered if, in addition to the global brands we all know and love, there are regional brands of toilet paper? Microbrews, so to speak? Perhaps toilet paper availability reflects differing needs in different parts of American society. This survey should provide an interesting ethnography of our country. Go back [24].

-- Dave [25]

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [26]!


"The Dumptionary" [27] | index [28] | "Ply's: sample data" [29]


Source URL:
http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Plys/plys.2.11.html

Links:
[1] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#footnotes
[2] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#footnotes
[3] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#footnotes
[4] http://www.fortjames.com/products.asp?article_type=At_Home&slink=Quilted_Northern
[5] http://www.charmin.com/products.html
[6] http://www.fortjames.com/products.asp?article_type=At_Home&slink=Quilted_Northern
[7] http://www.charmin.com/products.html
[8] http://www.fortjames.com/products.asp?article_type=At_Home&slink=Quilted_Northern
[9] http://www.charmin.com/products.html
[10] http://www.kimberly-clark.com/what/family/
[11] http://www.charmin.com/products.html
[12] http://www.kimberly-clark.com/what/family/
[13] http://www.coleman.com/coleman/ColemanCom/prod_Detail.asp?Product_id=827-220T&CategoryID=6100&SourcePage=PROD_CATEGORY_MAIN.ASP&SubmittingPage=Prod_subcategory.asp
[14] http://www.kimberly-clark.com/what/family/
[15] http://www.gp.com/consumertissue/angel.html
[16] http://www.gp.com/consumertissue/md.html
[17] http://www.jademountain.com/ecologyProducts/tissue7.html
[18] http://www.golfcollection.com/golbattis.html
[19] http://www.monty-python-merchandise.co.uk/mp003.html
[20] http://www.marcalpaper.com/at_h_bathroomtissue.html
[21] http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Plys/results.html
[22] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#1
[23] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#2
[24] http://www.poopreport.com//Consumer/Content/Plys/#3
[25] http://www.poopreport.com/user/dave/track
[26] http://www.poopreport.com/Journal/index.html
[27] http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Dumptionary/dumptionary.html
[28] http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/index.html
[29] http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/Content/Plys/plys.sampledata.2.23.html