Ever have one of those days where you couldn't shower because you were running late to work, and you were wearing a mesh-lined nylon bathing suit under your jeans because the week before you foolishly dropped off all your dirty clothes and underwear at the Wash'N'Fold that only stays open until six, and you've been unable to pick them up because you don't even get out of work until that hour?

Because let me tell you, bathing suits do not make good underwear.

[1] Sphincterine [2], in bottle or wipe.

A bathing suit works well because it doesn't absorb water. Water wicks right off it, for the most part. This is great in the pool, where you don't want heavy shorts dragging you under -- but under the blue jeans of a sedentary cubicle slave for twelve hours, a bathing suit lets all the ass- and ball-sweat collecting down there just pool up and fester on the grundle hair.

I grew aware of this olfactory phenomenon during my regular 10 o'clock. By the time I went back for the post-lunch, and then again for the pre-dinner, the odor had transformed from interesting/tangy to downright nasty. I had a hard time believing the dank, mildewy swamp-ass odor was actually coming from spread legs.

After work I showered and washed thoroughly, but I still felt unclean. Physically, I was spotless, but I didn't feel it. I needed a way to be certain that the funk was gone, especially because I was seeing my girlfriend for the first time in two weeks. I needed a confidence booster. I needed Sphinterine [3].

Sphincterine Personal Refresher is pretty much spearmint mouthwash for your butt. It's an "all-natural" liquid that you wipe around the rings of Uranus with toilet paper (or a wash cloth, according to the directions... eww!), leaving a cool, tingly sensation down there that will instill confidence in even my horrible post-bathing suit underwear swampy ass.

When I first tried Sphincterine, it almost hurt, like my rectum was in the first stages of freezer burn. But the intense minty pain quickly subsided, and I was left with a wonderfully cool cornhole. It was the same feeling I get when I put sliced cucumbers on my eyelids, or aloe on sun-burned shoulders. Sphincterine is truly soothing and delightful. With my Sphincterine'd ass, I felt the confidence to sit on my girlfriend's furniture.

Though I haven't tried them yet, Sphincterine also comes in travel-sized single use packets -- wetnaps, essentially. I am a regular user of wetnaps -- I keep them in my golf bag, just in case I need to I need to freshen up or clean some leakage down there in the middle of a particularly sweaty round. Sphincterine's single-use packets must have wetnaps beat by a long shot, though, simply because minty freshness beats icky mediciney goo any day.

My only complaint about bottle-form Sphincterine is that the liquid is surprisingly liquid. I was expecting a gel with the viscosity of lotion or shampoo, but instead something like baby oil poured out, making it slightly difficult to administer the correct amount. But I'm sure I'll get better at portion control as I use it more.

Which I definitely will.

Because I still haven't picked up my laundry.