The Turd Twister

The Earth is running out of resources. Our society is a wasteful one, and I feel that it's our duty to reuse resources much more than we do. If we don't change our ways, our over-consumption will destroy us.

So I believe in recycling and reusing to an almost ridiculous extreme [1]. But as much as I'm an environmentalist, even I have to draw the line somewhere. There is one resource that just simply should not be reused. And since this is PoopReport.com, I'll bet you can guess which resource I'm referring to.

[2]
The Turd Twister [3] comes with everything you see here. Part of your balanced breakfast.

The Turd Twister [4] allows us to reuse one of our most abundant resources. Why waste money and raw materials creating modeling clay when we can easily tap an endless supply of ass Play-Doh? Millions of turds are going to waste every day. With the Turd Twister, we can reuse them.

The problem is, that's really gross.

The Turd Twister a turd shaper -- "a unique product crafted of the highest-quality materials that will provide you with hours of entertainment and pleasure." The Turd Twister is essentially a mold you stick over your asshole. Like a Play-Doh Fun Factory for your ass.

The way it works is fairly obvious. You stick the "Turd Twister Extruder Ring" up your butt and crap through it. Your poop passes through one of seven "Clinically-Tested Designer Template Disks," which, like some bizarre Lucky Charms marshmallow set, includes a heart, a five-pointed star, a ten-pointed star, a clover, a gingerbread man, a lightning bolt, and, for some reason, a pine tree.

The end result is attractively-molded poop, which you can admire-and-flush, or retrieve for use in arts and crafts. In fact, the extensive Turd Twister manual devotes seven pages towards craft ideas. For instance, the book suggests slicing it up to create aesthetically-pleasing poop-chips for use in mobiles or decorating picture frames. Or you can dry your log out in the oven and use it as a unique paperweight.

Before engaging my Turd Twister, I carefully read all 32-pages of the booklet. It was in-depth, informative, and quite articulate. I was a little thrown when I read the disclaimer on the bottom of page 30: "IMPORTANT: The Turd Twister is a NOVELTY ITEM ONLY and is NOT INTENDED FOR ACTUAL USE. We cannot be held liable for any claims arising from misuse of this product. DO NOT STICK UP ASS!"

My eyes lingered over that last part. Do not stick up ass. In all caps, bold AND underlined. They were pretty serious about that.

But I'm a PoopReporter. Sometimes it's my job to ignore the warnings and just stick things up my ass.

[5]
I think I'd be lucky to get a quarter in my anal opening, much less that blue plastic behemoth.

So I go into the bathroom. Unfortunately, the Turd Twister is much bigger than my sphincter. I tried inserting it using the various methods described in the manual, but in spite of my years in prison, I just couldn't get it in there.

So I had to hold it in place. It's wasn't that gross -- I held onto the external flange, so my fingers were nowhere near my log. However, you don't want to know how I ensured it was positioned directly above my anus.

Then I pushed. Not an easy task. First of all, shit is used to a hole that expands with the size of the loaf, and second, the template disk provides a much smaller opening than my anus. After a few moments of straining, I realized I was going to hurt myself. I decided to focus on slow, steady pushing.

After a struggle, success! My poop had passed through the heart-shaped template disk and emerged smooth and thin and, although I wasn't going to retrieve it for a closer look, it appeared to possess the curvature and indentations commonly associated with a heart.

I admired my handiwork for a moment, until my nose reminded me that I was still holding the extruder ring. The inside of the extruder ring was covered with leftover crap. My original plan had been to wash the it and save it for another time. I had envisioned the turd sliding right through the ring, leaving minimal residue. Not the case -- my experiment left me with a couple of good dime-sized chunks that I refused to allow anywhere near my sink.

Quickly, I put the used extruder ring in a plastic Ziploc bag. Then I put the plastic Ziploc bag in a plastic container. Then I put the plastic container in a plastic grocery bag, tied it, put that in another plastic grocery bag, tied that, put the whole thing in the trash, and then took the trash out. Then I washed my hands.

So is the Turd Twister an admirable answer to our plague of waste and over-consumption? Yes. Does it work? Yes, kind of, pretty much, if you really try. Is it easy to use? No. Would anyone actually go through the process of retrieving, drying, laquering and decorating their twisted turd? Probably. But not me. My girlfriend is angry as it is that I even used the thing at all.

-- Dave [6]

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [7]!