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[1]In the meantime, I'm going to move forward with the campaign. PoopReport needs a celebrity spokesperson. Someone whose very presence says, "I represent poop, and it's my mission to spread the gospel of poop across the land!"
Someone like Wilford Brimley, perhaps. His work with oatmeal has inspired regularity in millions of Americans -- which means his voice already resonates with potential PoopReporters.
So that's PoopReport Contest #8: Who do you think should be PoopReport's celebrity spokesperson, and why?
Big thanks to Turd Twister [3]
for supplying the prize.
| Voting has begun. Click here to vote [4]. |
The Ideal Celebrity Poop Spokesperson?
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Example:
Clearly, Wilford Brimley is the most appropriate spokesperson for PoopReport. As the former Quaker Oats spokesman, he's been selling shit to the American public for years. His rustic demeanor reminds me of all the comforts of home -- and that's where I like to poop the best. If Wilford were to talk to me about poop, I would put on my favorite cardigan, eat a slice of Mom's apple pie, and sit down on the toilet and heed his words.
-- Posted 2.25.02002 by Dave [5]
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Michael Jordan is undeniably the most important and influential spokesman to have ever
graced the advertising world. Who else has had actually slogans ("Be Like Mike") or a
series of shoes named after himself (Air Jordans)? This man is a marketing machine and
if by putting a checkmark and his name on some average athletic shoes raises the value
by $150, just think what he can do for poop! This man would sell his shits faster than
Nicaraguan kidnappers auctioning off kidnapped wealthy American children to impotent
upper-class Brazilian couples. With all the buzz around the NBA's greatest player of
all time, Jordan would allow all those who see him as a role model to save up their
McDonald's paychecks and buy a pair of Shit Jordans. After all, everyone else is
getting them so why not you, too.
-- Posted 2.25.02002 by Shaun
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J-Lo. She has a HUGE ass. Think of how much shit comes out of it....
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Disco Poo [6]
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George W. Bush. The ultimate shit-talker of all time! And every time I see Georgey on
T.V. It reminds me that I have to take a shit. He is kind of like a Television
laxative. George Bush, shit president of the world!
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Super Bowel
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Make no mistake about it, Arthur Giblin was the man who invented the first flushable
toilet. As a marketing strategy, he relinquished invention rights to his boss, Thomas
Crapper -- the man to which we wrongly credit the invention. However factual
information was lost, so was credit due to Mr. Giblin misplaced. We have let the man
lie quietly under the lid of Crapper's mythical saga and it is time we flush out Giblin
to raise him to the status he has deserved for so long.
Why Mr. Giblin at Poopreport.com? Mr. Giblin's vision introduced a convenient and sanitary alternative to outhouses and, well, buckets. The act of flushing, in it of itself, has affected the American lifestyle. Many have experienced the unrivaled satisfaction derived from observing a variety of substances flush away. Courtesy flushes have graced the American social conscience. Flushed-water flow continually spins intellectual curiosity about the Coriolis effect. And what good is a plunger if a toilet need not flush?
So now when I hear a passerby blurt out "I stepped in dog crap", I think to myself "that person should be saying 'I stepped in dog gib'". Okay it doesn't sound good, but you get the idea. Thank you, Mr. Giblin, and tonight I honor you with a 21-flush salute. Move over Crapper and p'shaw to sliced bread... Mr. Giblin -- your time might soon be here.
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Skiddy [7]
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In lieu of a spokesperson, I would suggest a celebrity poop spokespuppet. It might seem
a little unorthodox, yet at the same time absolutely appropriate.
And so I nominate Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Just imagine him saying "Go to
PoopReport.com. It's a great website...for me to poop on!"
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Artful Dodger [8]
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Art Linkletter seems like a natural. A man who works with children HAS to see his fair share of feces.
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Tony [9]
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Sally Struthers might also want to carry the banner triumphant. Her caloric intake alone would have to produce buckets full of hot steamy loaf.
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Tony [10]
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My final suggestion is Charo. "Coochi coochi poo."
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Tony [11]
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If only it could be, Kurt Cobain would make a wonderful poop spokesman. Listen to his words and you'll hear that deep, groaning agony, as if he's letting loose the worst log he's ever had - in every song!
-- Posted 2.26.02002 by Jacob
--- ADDED 2.27 ---
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Gary Coleman... because he hasn't done shit in years but is still floating around.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by Tony [12]
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Miss Cleo because she knows when shit is going to go down.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by Tony [13]
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Gilbert Godfrey. The man's face has that shit-eating grin and scrunched up eyes that
make it look like he is always trying to force out an especially large log.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by TwoPynts [14]
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I think the spokesperson should be someone that could put humor in talking about taking
a shit so I pick Eddie Murphy. If anyone has seen Eddie's stand up comedy movie "Raw" they
might agree. Eddie does a routine in which he talks about how his idol Richard Pryor can talk
about anything and make it funny, even taking a shit. Eddie then proceeds with a perfect
impression of Richard talking about taking a shit, I have watched it 100 times and I still
laugh everytime. Go out to your video store and rent "Raw" and you will agree with me.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by Doniker [15]
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Rodney Dangerfield would be great. He is just like poop, he gets no respect and most
of the time he stinks.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by Doc [16]
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I would have to say the perfect spokesperson would be Ron Popeil (see
http://shop.ronco.com/images/ronsmall01.jpg [17]). This is one man who
has devoted his life to
peddling of shit to the wary consumer. By shit, I am obviously referring to substandard items
of convenience that turn the laziest of people into the... uh... MORE laziest people. Does
the food dehydrator ring a bell? Yes, he taught us that you can turn anything into jerky.
Anyhow, he is charismatic and believes in his products no matter how lame they are. Also, check out his last name; Popeil, pronounced (poh-peel). There is a library of shit jokes and poop references in his last name alone. Visit http://shop.ronco.com/ [18] and you be the judge.
-- Posted 2.27.02002 by Jeff
--- ADDED 2.28 ---
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Oh, come on! Who better to represent the Poopreport than the talking
poo himself, Mr. Hanky? Sure he's a fictitious piece of cartoon turd, but
when you think poop, Mr. Hanky has to come to mind. And damnit, Dave, as soon
as I saw the name of the contest I was going to insist on Mr. Brimley. Damn!
It's scary that you thought of him too. Anyway, Mr. Hanky the X-mas Poo, a
visionary....a leader. Vote Hanky in March!!!!!!
-- Posted 2.28.02002 by Pete Pooperman [19]
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OK, these are the last 2 for today, they're similar... The lady from the
old Wendy's "Where's the beef?!" ad, and the lady from the medic-alert "I've
fallen and I can't get up!" ad. Both would do us right (but are they both
dead?). (and I won't mention Janice Joplin...oops...)
-- Posted 2.28.02002 by Pete Pooperman [20]
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It's gotta be everybody's spokesman, the Past-Tense of Poopness, William SHATner!!
-- Posted 2.28.02002 by Ada
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God. He would be the perfect spokesperson for poopreport.com.
Everybody knows who He is and I gotta believe that people will trust him when
he endorses a product. Being omniscient, He inspires confidence. Also, let's
not forget that He invented poop, so He must know what He is talking about.
-- Posted 2.28.02002 by Face [21]
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Emeril Lagasse. BAM! His sitcom was, in a word, a big, steaming pile
of dung. And who better to add to Intestinal distress than Emeril when he
"kicks it up a notch" in the spice department.
-- Posted 2.28.02002 by Joe C [22]
--- ADDED 3.4 ---
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Jesus, he's immortal, he's mysterious, trusted, and even he had to crap.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Disco Poo [23]
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How about this: although physically extinct, why not recruit the
services of a Brontosaurus? Paleontologists estimate that these massive
sauropods produced a TON of poop every day! A ton! Nothing that has ever
lived on Earth had such pooping-prowess. Poopreport can engineer a cute,
consumer-friendly, computer-generated brontosaurus spokesmodel. He won't
demand a high-paying Hollywood contract (like Wilfred Brimley), and will utter
nothing but grunting sounds, not unlike those of your average human passing an
above-average log of dung. Grrrrughhhh!!
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Colon Bowel [24]
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Bill Gates, yeah, put his piece of shit on display with other peoples,
you don't see much. But put a sticky note with his name on it, all eyes on that
one. He doesn't even have to say shit to get recongition.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by JoeLee
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Am going political on this:
1. Henry Kissinger has always been full of shit!
2. On the religious right we have the twin turds of anal retention in: Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell.
3. Louis Farrakhan - should be self explanatory
4.Ken Starr because he doesn't think his shit stinks -- just likes to stir it up
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by K. Mishan
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Linda Tripp because she loves getting into other people's shit... Big
scoop on Poop is her idea of a good time. Other people's shit excites her.
Plus she was quoted as saying, "I would have cleaned The White House toilets
with my tongue to work there again." I think a swell opportunity was missed.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by K. Mishan
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Rodin's The Thinker. I've always thought that he looks like a constipated man on the john.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Skiddy Poo [25]
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Uncle Ben. The old black guy on Uncle Ben's Rice. Doesn't say much and
kind of a voyeristic old pervert that hangs in the shadows. He has got to be a
poop lover. Besides he is probably dead so no legal issues with him.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Professor Lump [26]
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Vanila Ice. God knows he needs a job and his music was shit.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Professor Lump [27]
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Kermit The Frog. "Hi-ho, this is Kermit theeeee Frog reporting for the
poopreport." You might even get a plug on the Childrens Television Network.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Professor Lump [28]
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How about Anne Robinson? She knows a fair amount about consumer
affairs, after all.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Adrian
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Mr. Rogers. He is always so calm, you KNOW he must be keeping himself
regular. With his laid back persona and respectability, he can bring validity
to what he sells. Plus he can reach that younger market. And I could swear
I've seen rolls of TP in that closet of his, maybe due to that fact that his
show is so shitty anyway.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by TwoPynts [29]
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I've thought about this and I've got to go with my gut (no pun
intended)... I wish to nominate The King! Yes! Elvis Presley! Old, fat,
bloated Elvis, mind you...not young studly movie star, hound dog Elvis. I can
picture him on the stage in a Vegas venue with his fat can crammed into his
Evil Knievel-esque outfit with a half a chicken stuffed in the pocket and a big
jar of Pepto in the other, belting away an unintelligble tune, half out of his
mouth, half out of his winker, just waiting until he can down a few pills and
sit on his throne and finish off that chicken. I mean, he died on the crapper
and he liked to shoot out TV's, what else can I say? I think he's a worthy
candidate.
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Pete Pooperman [30]
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Dame Edna! She has universal appeal and great wit...better get her now
before she gets snapped up by the folks at "Depends" or "Serenity".
-- Posted 3.4.02002 by Clogger [31]
--- ADDED 3.7 ---
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I believe we need a super model, or someone renowned for their looks
such as Cindy Crawford. Couldn't you just imagine her rolling around in poop
while saying... "Go to www.poopreport.com, it'll change your life."
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by anonymous pooper
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Ron Jeremy - You know he's had his shit in some poop during his career. Plus he looks like
a big fat hairy turd.
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [32]
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Joey Buttafuoco - That guy could drop a load the size of the Queen Mary in those way cool 80's
style mucle man pants.
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [33]
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Bill Cosby - He supports Jello Pudding... so why not poop?
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [34]
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Ben And Jerry - Maybe they could get some new flavor ideas from this site. How about "Nutty Log
Swirl" flavor?
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [35]
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Mr. T - "Read the poopreport!, go to school!, and don't do drugs!" "Oh yea..Be tough
like me Mr. T! You too can be part of the "A" team.
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [36]
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Slim Pickins - Anyone remember the "bean eating" scene around the campfire in Blazing Sadles?
Yea they were only farts but you know what came after.
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Professor Lump [37]
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I feel the perfect PoopReport spokesperson is Ed McMahon. His whole career is based on being a sidekick -- that is, being #2. As a man who spent so many years in the position of #2, he surely has something to say in that regard. "PoopReport: Your #1 Source For Your #2 Business. And I should know!"
-- Posted 3.7.02002 by Tydirium
--- ADDED 3.12 ---
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How about Bill Clinton. . . He's an asshole and they know their shit.
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Mya Buttstinks [38]
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All the skate fans out there (and a few of u posers who watched Jackass) will know of
CKY. And in knowing of CKY will know of Cris Raab. AKA Raab Himself. In Cky2k and Cky3
as well as a number of other various videos, he has taken shits in a number of places,
including, but not limited to, off a 4 story parking garage, in a pool, out of a
speeding car and while running full speed. Check out CKY2k and CKY3 and you will see.
His shitting techniques are quite profound and he would make the best spokesperson.
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Bloodtang [39]
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How about Jared from the Subway commercials? I'm betting that they are letting him go
soon because I haven't really seen him on T.V. anymore and I bet he is looking for a
new job... He probably knows a bunch about poop considering he lost all that weight, and
from eating all those "fresh" subway subs I bet he has had at least one decent dump.
So I would say that Jared is my number one choice.
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Emily [40]
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Or, Calista Flockhart, who
probably wishes she could squeeze a turd out of that bony ass of hers.. ::shudders:: I
wonder how painful it must be for her to sit down?
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Emily [41]
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Danica McKellar, of "Wonder Years" fame! She's the spokeswoman for "Flatulence Joke Syndrome", so why the heck not?!
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Jason D. Lovelady [42]
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i do believe that Norm Macdonald would be the man. He doesn't only turn stupid jokes
into something funny. He is seen helping Adam Sandler light some poop on fire in Billy
Madison. Norm Macdonald is the man for PoopReport.
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Brett [43]
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Roseanne Barr...I don't really know why, but I think her breadbasin
(it's my word, don't steal it!) has been splattered with the remnants of numerous
chinese buffets.....
-- Posted 3.12.02002 by Pete Pooperman [44]
--- ADDED 3.25 ---
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It should be Fat Bastard, From Austin Powers Two.
Remember when he says, "first things first -- where's your shitter? I got a crap
on deck that could choke a donkey." and he goes on and on. And then remember
when he shits out the transmitter. Oh man he's perfect for the shits
spokesman!
-- Posted 3.25.02002 by Super Bowel [45]
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Florence Henderson. From Wesson Oil to Effordent to PoopReport. Sounds
like a natural progression to me.
-- Posted 3.25.02002 by Arkysparky
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Sandy Duncan should be in the running for the PoopReport Spokesperson. She
introduced Triscuit Crackers. If you have EVER eaten some of those things,
you know how well they run the gauntlet.
-- Posted 3.25.02002 by Clustersnarf
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What about Tom Green? NONE of the other people listed here would show
half the enthusiasm that he would. Hell, he'd probably do it for free!
-- Posted 3.25.02002 by KillahKelley
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Why settle for just a spokesperson when you could have a poster
child as well? My candidate would be Janet Reno. Just by looking at
her, one can tell that she has a load cocked and ready. As a matter of fact,
yesterday's load is still in her shorts so your fans would never have to wait
for results. Her pinched expression reveals one who really, really needs to go
NOW........ or maybe just has.
-- Posted 3.25.02002 by Justin Time