I'd like to thank Tom Green for demonstrating repeatedly his willingness to do anything at anytime in order to produce crap. If it hadn't been for his most massive artistic turd to date, Freddy Got Fingered, he may have sunk into relative obscurity following his dismissal from the Barrymore dynasty. Tom will finally achieve his pitchman potential now. No more soda, no more deodorant. From here on out, Tom Green IS poop! (inspirational music starts) Poop will now have a face and that face will be kind of vacant looking with a little goatee! Poop will now be given a voice, a voice with a Canadian accent, eh! Poop will now have one testicle! Welcome to the Age of Poop! (inspirational music ends)

After so many dashed hopes... after so many broken dreams... to be so close to pinching the golden loaf and coming up with the shitty end of the stick... I am inconsolable. I want to seem like the gracious loser, but Tom Green is too much of a low life to allow that to be possible.

Gary friggin Coleman! Get real dingle berries! What a wonderful ambassador he would have been. Poopreport would have been on the lips (and anuses) of men and women from one end of this fair country to the other. Now, alas, the only people who will be listening are a bunch of beer guzzling, fart blowing frat boys. Glitterati? I think not!

I do, though, cede graciously to the individual who submitted his name. Any Poopreport afficianado is a friend indeed!

In true democratic fashion, a sub-par candidate has been elected a winner, and the candidates with the most potential are left to do nothing but reach up from inside the toilet and flush themselves into obscurity. I watched the polls with much despair as the voting public flexed its underdeveloped voting muscles and allowed Gary Coleman to practically dominate the race for spokesman.

I can't believe he made it as far as he did. Sure, his nomination was supported by a clever write-up, but wit is hardly enough to merit nomination for any position. Don't be fooled; witicisms and catchy quips won't get you a raise at your job, discounts at restaurants, or anything else. Sure, it may get you laid, but don't think that will be the only tool you'll need to get some ass, poopreporters. I am glad he was not chosen.

The other nominees were just as bad, if not worse. They were random, unfunny, and irrelevant. Mr. T? Sally Struthers? Come on, folks. Late 70's/ early 80's throwbacks and name droppings are so tiresome and unfunny. They are also dim-witted. If I wanted to be assaulted with poor, half-assed references to America's lamest decade and a half, I'd watch That 80's Show. All that was missng from those suggestions were references to Q-Bert, Mork & Mindy, and the Rubix Cube. That really would have thrown me over the edge.

But alas, I must applaud the winner because, aside from Ron Popeil, he is the only finalist that has any realistic virtues and relevance. In all seriousness, I wouldn't be surprised if Tom Green actually heard about poopreport.com and actively endorsed it. It is right up his alley. He is still an active comedic figure, whereas the other finalists are just washed-up punch-lines to about a thousand stupid jokes. And anyway, Ron Popeil is probably too sophisticated and down to earth to endorse poopreport.com.

So for his existence in reality and the true possibility that he will endorse poopreport, I applaud nominator KillahKelley and the victor Tom Green.