Dear Mr. Green,
I realize that a proclamation like this is usually accompanied by a dump truck full of money. Sorry about that. But nevertheless, I am proud to announce that you are now PoopReport.com's Official Celebrity Spokesperson.
I know I should have cleared this with your agent first, but we're dealing with forces more immediate and more powerful than our lawyers and our three-martini lunches and handshakes in my 48th floor Midtown penthouse -- we're dealing with the marketplace.
Mr. Green, the masses demand you.
PoopReport is an online source for (relatively) intellectual appreciation of poop humor. In addition to stories, resources, consumer reports, advice and anecdotes, we have contests. Our most recent contest was to determine our ideal celebrity spokesperson.
There were six finalists: Mr. T, Sally Struthers, Ron Popeil, Rodney Dangerfield,
Gary Coleman, and you. Gary Coleman led for much of the race but, in an incredible
last-minute finish, you pulled ahead for the win [1].
So, congratulations, and welcome aboard. The people have spoken, and who are we to
resist? We're entertainers. We have no choice but to give the audience what they
want. We are slaves, in a sense, with no free will of our own. (I eagerly anticipate
ruminating the philosophical ramifications of fame with you -- does lunch at Nobu sound
good? Call me.)
As PoopReport spokesperson, we won't ask for much from you. Lots publicity on your
show, definitely. The occasional public appearance. Perhaps a grant? If you gave us a
grant, then we could afford to pay you...
Mr. Green, on behalf of the entire PoopReport community, I welcome you as our
Official Celebrity Spokesperson. We anticipate a long and mutually beneficial
relationship, and we eagerly await your response. Please don't make us default to Gary
Coleman.
Your new boss,