Thank you, fellow PoopReporters, for voting my entry "Englesquirt Dumperstink" #1. Mr. Dumperstink is a musical icon. Anyone who can perform "Lesbian Seagulls" (from Beavis and Butthead) is OK with me. I will now explain the significance of this contest as it relates to world peace.

Ladies and gentlemen, we all poop. George Bush poops. Tony Blair poops, as do all the leaders of Eurpoe and the entire world. Hell, even Saddam Hussein grunts out a spud missle every now and again.

Why are we about to go to war? Why are these men mad at each other? I submit that it is not terrorism. Nor is it oil. What is it you ask? The pooping community cannot tear down the enemy because we fail to laugh at their name. We cannot "name that pooper," as it were.

It is an art that only a few adults (and most 5th graders) have. The talent for poop names is here, people, at PoopReport, and we need to tap into it heavily these next few months. Saddam Poopstain? I don't think so. Logjam Hussein? No. It's going to be tough, but I believe we can do it.

I entered Englesquirt as a wake up call! Funny names are still out there!! We don't have to take this war shitting down!! We must belittle our enemies with funnier poopy names! Osama Bin Pootin'?? No. Shit-sama bin Laden? I think not. We need laughter, people, and WE (or any 5th grade class) are the only ones that can provide it!

Once the free flow of poopy names is a part of our culture, terror and war will stop. Thus, Pooptopia. Thank you.

Well, I 'gis tha ain't no justis' yo. What kind of punk ass bitch comes up wit "Engelsquirt Dumperstink"? Yo, that be pre-school throwin' down. We needed a big timer, a roll wit the punches winna in dis contest! Yo, instead we git served dis low rent trash. Homies 'round the world know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Two-Plop had the hip-hop, the be-bop, the can't stop rocking wit the shazbot! You all frontin'. Y'all let Phlegm Master Phlegm down. Mack daddies be shoutin' out "Injustice to the Plop". If I had a nine I'd throw a clip in that bitch and bust a cap in my monitor, word. I'd like to give a shout out to my ni...uh...bro...uh...fellow poop reporters for voting for the Plop. You knew the vision. You saw the writing on the wall. You knew there was only ONE choice.

I 'gis tha ain't no justice fo a gansta. Y'all gonna have to live wit yourselves and the choice you made. Two-Plop's gonna haunt ya. It'll be like peanut butter on the roof of yo mouth. Y'all be shoutin, "Why?! Why did I vote for Engelsquirt when I knew the true winna was Two-Plop!". Tu-Pac said it best when he said,

"Yes, i'm an Oakland baller
rule number one check it
if I show you no respect then
be your own ni**a
meaning buy your own dope
cause that front s**t is punk s**t
something I never funked with
be true to this game and this game will be true to you
that's real s**t"

I don't know what it means, but it sounds heavy.

Peace out.

Well, I lost. Not only lost, but got blown away by a far superior entry. What can you say? "Englesquirt Dumperstink" -- 3 poop-related things in one name. Pure genius. Even better, when you remember some lyrics from Englebert Humperdink's big hit: "Please release me, let me go...." That's poop talking if I ever heard it.

I'll refrain from defending my entry, "'Roid Rogers." While I'm not ashamed of it, it was far from my best entry, in my opinion. Not even top 10 -- just a quick splat of brain diarrhea while I tried to plop out a more worthy piece.

Well done, PJ. Let us know how the sphincter cleaner works out.