For hundreds of years, poets have struggled to encapsulate in words the meaning of human experience. Today, we witness their collective effort brought to fruition.
The returns are in. The race was tight from the get-go, but when it all settled, the winner was PROFESSOR LUMP -- by a margin of TWO VOTES!
Here is the world's greatest haiku about poo, as deemed by the readers of
PoopReport.com (you can see the final results here [1]):
As founder of PoopReport.com, it is my extreme pleasure to bestow upon
Professor Lump the title of POOP POET LAUREATE. At this time, Professor Lump could not be reached for comment (surely he is too overcome with emotion). However, second runner-up Colon Bowell was more than happy to share his thoughts on this momentous occasion:
A plague on both your toilets!
Love,
All of humanity should embrace one
another, join hands, and circle around the campfire, singing and dancing and
enjoying the comfort of brotherhood and sisterhood. For now, finally, after 6,000 years
of recorded history, humanity has its one, defining poo haiku. This is a
glorious moment indeed.
-- Dave [4]
Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [5]!
Butt cheeks squeezed tightly
Turtle head is poking out
No bathroom in sight.
-- Posted 6.11.02001 by Professor Lump [2].
Such magnificence. Such verisimilitude. It is beautiful beyond belief...
It brings a tear to my eye. Surely the angels will sing the praises of Professor
Lump from the highest mountain. Surely God will inscribe "Professor Lump" in the
Book of Life. The ages will remember this moment, and this haiku will live far
longer than any of us.
I've always been a sore loser, and this is no exception. I declare this should
be a victory speech! Professor Lump's haiku was as inspiring as a dung-tainted
shred of K-Mart asswipe, slowly decomposing in a Staten Island landfill. Hairy
Pooter? Bollocks! His talent is on par with that of the salmon-scented
man-cheese that I harvest from my wrinkly yambag.
Colon Bowell
As founder of PoopReport.com, I decree that there is no place for Colon
Bowell's acrimony in this moment of joy. Don't you agree, first runner-up Hairy
Pooter?
If these remarks have been published, then I suppose I have lost to Professor
Lump's highly derivative and unoriginal drivel which blatantly rips off earlier
works by artists such as myself. Professor Lump has essentially stolen content in
much the same way that some 'hip hop' artists illegally "sample" soulful,
original songs of yesterday because they are too lazy to think of something
themselves.
As founder of PoopReport.com, I officially condemn Colon Bowell and Hairy
Pooter for their poor sportsmanship. Don't they realize this is a time for
celebration, not anger and resentment??
Results of the poo haiku contest
Butt cheeks squeezed tightly
Turtle head is poking out
No bathroom in sight.
-- Posted 6.11.02001 by Professor Lump [6].
(73/291 votes)
Brown and browner pain
a burley sloth inches forth
corny head peeking
-- Posted 5.31.02001 by Hairy Pooter [7].
(71/291 votes)
Floodgates are open.
Ill be stuck here for an hour --
Taco Bells revenge.
-- Posted 5.31.02001 by Colon
Bowell [8].
(53/291 votes)
My stretching sphincter,
yawns like a black hole in space,
only gas comes out.
-- Posted 5.31.02001 by Colon
Bowell [9].
(42/291 votes)
Took a dump today
swirling water flush my cares
life is now better.
-- Posted 6.11.02001 by John [10].
(32/291 votes)
My asshole twitches.
Hoover Dam for my poo... No!!!!
The dam has broken.
-- Posted 7.10.02001 by Debbi [11].
(20/291 votes)
Check out the full list of haiku entries here [12].