I am genuinely honored to have won this contest. In the general pecking order of seniority at PoopReport, I would have to be considered an intern. Although I have only been visiting the site for a few months now, I believe all of you have always been my peers. It is we who laugh the loudest during poop humor in movies. It is we who giggle uncontrollably when witnessing a funny poop incident, like the faces dogs make when they are pinching a loaf. And it is we who have been telling funny poop stories since before PoopReport or the Internet even existed.

I have heard it said that the only constants in life are taxes and death. But taxes are only paid once a year, and death is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I assert that pooping is the greatest constant on earth. I know I make brownies at least twice a day. Pooping is the most universal and binding (pun intended) act known to man.

It saddens me to ponder the probability that so many disenfranchised defecators are deprived of the fruits and fibers required to expel sufficiently softened feces, and must resort instead to power tools to assist the extrusion and post-plopping particulars of ass-crack clean-up. But if, in fact, it takes a chainsaw to get the job done, it may as well be the best chainsaw available (even if Poulan would've been a more phonetically subliminal reference to the task at hand).

So, as I bow my head in humility, and fade into the faceless masses of also-rans, let me just say that I appreciate each vote cast by those PoopReporters who supported me during our valiant effort to carry our copropolitical message that "every asshole deserves a decent wipe!"

Continue to Promote Fanny Values!

-- Turd Hugegrunt