Jeans drop to ankles and hit sneakers:
"F-fffflump"

Knees crack while squatting into position:
"Ki-ki-ki-ki"

An opening salvo fart - staccato:
"phlltt!"

Re-positioning backwards, inching the ass closer to the heater, with jeans around the ankles:
"Swuff swuff swuff swuff"

Knees crack again for the deeper ass-to heater squat:
"Ki. Ki yih-ki.:

Ass hairs getting singed in the momentary pause nearing the heater:
"Sizz-s-s-s-z-z"

Ready, deadly, go:
"Fruuuuppp! Splooorrt!"

Cackle! Hoot! Screaming laughter

But then... the poop goes "Phuhluppp" on the buddy's sneaker.
"Squpp" on the heater
"Tzzzzz" as grilled pooplets fry and drop off the heater grille to the floor

"HHHmmmmmmmm......"

"Huuuuhuuuuhhhhhhuuuuuuuah........"

"HuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh TTTThhhhHHHHPPPPHHTTTllllLLLLTTT T................ .pop. Aha..AOUOOOWWWWW! GODDAMMIT! sssspppphhhlllttttttterrrrrrrrr................... sssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS S"

"SPLUTTER............. sppppppppisssssssssssssssssstttttttttttttt."

"Hey, whzatt? Jesus, is that your cat?"

"UUUUUUUhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn."

"911, What is your emergency?"

"My ass is on fire. We didn't plan it this way."

"You planned it? What is your address?"

"THE CAT! THE CAT! LOOK FOR THE BURNING CAT!"

"Uh, this is the 911 emergency services, we have an animal cruelty case here, someone set his cat on fire after a fight with his neighbor after arguing over the heat bill. Apparently they were using a space heater... I'm assuming they had the heat turned off."

"No! The cat!"

"Yes, the cat. We'll watch for the cat."

if i shit my my pants...
"blblbshbshbshbshblurblurblurblur..."