I realize this is Poop For Peace Day, and I hate to bring this to the forefront of attention on such a well-intentioned day, but without this information, the terrorists may have already won..

This story appealed to me, regardless of it's brevity. Sure, some wacko nutjob ol'biddy was half off her rocker when she made the claim that a state building's toilet paper had been laced with poison [1], but the fact that her claim was taken so seriously, and an investigation begun so expeditiously, reassures me and my anus.
While she had absolutely zero proof to back up this seemingly-outrageous claim, it brings to mind one question: Why not? One of the first things they teach you in some form of emergency preparedness course (EMT, MD, etc) is that for a dry poison to work (if it isn't intended to be inhaled) it must come in contact with a mucous membrane.

Those of us not versed in biology or anatomy and physiology may well (and understandably) confuse the terms mucus and mucous. Sure, they sound the same, but whoa, is there a difference!

Think of it this way: If I said I snotted a ball of mucus outta my nose today, obviously, you'd think I was referring to boogers, or, more specifically, the liquidish vehicle they travel in. Mucus is a product of the respiratory tract. It's a filter, in that it traps small stuff, but it also can be a lot of fun to play with if you're bored, and have a cold. I digress...

Mucous, on the other-hand, is more of a reference to a "moist" surface (notice the "O" in the word...a good way to remember the difference is to remember that you can't spell MOIST without an "O"...never mind the fact that you need TWO "O"s to spell booger, that'll just confuse the issue). Our heads are literally laden with mucous membranes. Our mouths are lined with them, our noses are sheathed in them, heck, even our EYES are mucous membranes. For a dry toxin to work effectively (again, if it doesn't require/prefer inhalation) it must first be rehydrated, and then quickly absorbed.

Allow me to clarify a bit: Instead of Toxin, think Drug. Our entire Gastrointestinal system is lined with mucous membranes (as is our respiratory tract...just remember, we're not talking boogers here). Think of the most common "drugs" (illicit) that are consumed: Chewing Tobacco; ready route of entry to the blood supply through the porous and thirsty mucous membranes of the lip. Cocaine; true nose-candy in that it's got an E-Z Pass on the A-Train of cross-membrane permeability when snorted. I could go on, but you get the point...if a substance is an illegal immigrant to the blood supply, the mucous membranes are the holes in the fence that allow easy passage.

While it's unlikely to ever see someone (even in Studio 54's heyday) apply Cocaine to their inner-eyelid, it's still a mucous membrane, and therefore, is a B-line to the body. If you have the energy, check out the copy of the PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) which is published annually. You'll see a startling similarity in the cautions for certain drugs; do not apply to mucous membranes (I happen to have the PDR '04 sitting here).

What most people forget in their efforts to protect their vital membranes, is that Humans (all animals, really) are simply a tube-within-a-tube; the food we ingest is never found anywhere within our bodies, per se. It merely passes through (mouth to anus). Certain compounds/elements/nutrients are absorbed en route, but most of it passes through us like a bowling-ball passes through a corridor. While we have muchos mucous membranes at our head-end, we also have a few at our "nether regions" (girls have a few more than guys, I'll leave it up to you to figure out which you are).

The anus is actually an excellent mode of poisoning. While the actual anus itself is keratinized (protected by a sheath of "dry" skin, therefore is NOT a mucous membrane) most of us wipe well enough (I hope) to introduce a toxin into the anal canal, replete with these lax customs officials that let anything pass. So, if Al Qeada ever got a hold of our top-secret Charmin Defense plans, they could decimate us all by spiking the TP.

I think that's why the officials acted so quickly; to be perfectly honest, I never considered the potential mode of entry either (I'm not gay, and I don't mean to unintentionally "bash" those that are). Logistically, it's pretty easy. It should be pretty effective. It'd be damn difficult to trace...unless the perps left skid-marks leading to their hideout.

Oh, I s'pose I should honor our fine nation's PATRIOT ACT, and close this memo by saying, "If any potential or active terrorists have read this document, please immediately purge all details from your memory. Go figure this out on your own". Way to go, Ashcroft!

PS- I'll be bringing my own, all natural, 100% organic TP with me wherever I go. Who cares if it's 98% unrefined woodchips? I'd rather die of bacterial sepsis (due to lacerated anus) than ricin poisoning ANYDAY!